Before Speaking

Yesterday I was speaking with a friend about truth-telling. We agreed how too often “the truth” becomes an excuse for bludgeoning someone, rather than trying to help. Somewhere in the back of my mind I recalled reading advice on this subject, how telling the truth wasn’t quite enough. There was something about kindness and necessity being important, as well. I decided to look it up…

Later I noodled around the web and found the original quote, at least I think it’s the original. It’s even better than I recalled. It goes:

“Before you speak, ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?”

What bothered me was how this quote was attributed to Sathya Sai Baba, a figure of considerable controversy. However, I also found the quote attributed to the original Sai Baba, Sai Baba of Shirdi, whom I find a very attractive figure.

Which opens the briefest reflection on the four points of the saying.

First, that truth thing. I suspect we need always to be careful of assertions of truth. Pilate’s famous question hangs always in the air. So, for the sake of argument, let’s say for a moment this advice comes from Sathya Sai Baba, someone who has been charged with various forms of fraud and abuse. Let’s say he’s guilty of everything he’s been accused of, and the list is rather long. Is the saying any less true? Any less helpful? I think not. For me truth has most to do with congruence with reality. And appeal to authority is just one more fallacy distracting us in our quest. Ironically, I find I best approach truth so far as matters spiritual are concerned through passionate not-knowing. Which circles around to silence…

But before that, second, that kind thing. The Dalai Lama is famously said to have declared his religion is kindness. I admit I find kindness is something powerful and compelling and seems to exist at the heart of the spiritual quest. The kind heart seems essential to finding joy and peace in this life. And I have no doubt acting with kindness is one of the great rules of thumb for a worthy life.

And third, that necessary thing. When is something absolutely needed? Not often, I suspect. Actually I’m pretty sure not often. But, sometimes, absolutely, something is necessary… It does feel to me necessity should trump kindness.

Before I throw words at silence, I want to note before finding the Sai Baba quote I was recalling this as some sort of rule of thumb about when to speak. And, I was thinking, the rule was something to the effect of asking: is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? And then, interestingly, at least in my imaginal reconstruction of the rule, if the answer to at least two of these questions is yes, then speak..

But, one combination gives pause; that is a statement that is both kind and necessary but is not true.

Which probably takes us to the wisest suggestion: does it improve upon the silence?