How do I teach my kids about sex?

I have been reading through your blog and HIGHLY enjoying it! I’ve already sent off 3 links to my husband to read (on sex, and on parenting as well). I think its going to be very beneficial for us.

One topic that has been concerning me of late, is how to have the “sex talk” with our children. We have a soon-to-be 9yo and a 7yo and I *know* I need to address it, but am hesitant because 1) I am embarrassed and 2) I don’t want to say too much, or not enough.

I want my kids to be knowledgeable and protected (ie, sexual abuse and birth control) but I don’t want to introduce any topics that are above them (ie, I’ve heard of stories where kids actually get hooked on porn after their parents tell them what it is, and where it is found).

I don’t want to introduce any knowledge that is above their understanding, and I certainly don’t want to pique their interest in any of these activities! But I don’t want to wait too long, and then have it introduced by peers.

I am also conflicted about our religious views towards sex. On one hand, I feel church books are too conservative on the issue…but “worldly” books are too liberal. I want my children to be educated on the issues, but still approach them morally.

Are there any books that you could recommend?

Thanks so much!

You bring up excellent questions and concerns regarding the sexual education of our children. Your children are at a perfect age to start some of these very important discussions. Here are some quick guidelines of what I deem appropriate at different ages:

Starting from day 1:
Use proper terminology. The sooner you begin to use terms such as penis, testes, vagina and vulva the sooner your anxiety will diminish and the better prepared you will be for more in depth conversations in the future. And I know that culturally we are used to using the generic term “vagina” for girls but if you are pointing out what they can see and touch this is not an accurate term. Vulva is the correct term.

Age 2 forward:
This is when it is appropriate to begin to talk about genitalia being “private” areas. The main point of this education is sexual safety. This is when parents should begin to address that privates are exactly that – private. No one should be touching these parts except under the following circumstances: bath time with a parent who is washing, diapering or wiping after using the toilet, or at a doctor’s office where a parent or guardian is present. It is important to share the message that it is always safe to come to a parent if someone has touched them or has made them touch. They will not get in trouble. It is also important in safety talks to discuss that it is not appropriate to touch the genitalia of their siblings.

Children of this age are not usually into modesty. They love to undress and run around naked, they will touch their genitals and they may deal with their privates with humor – being silly. These are all developmentally appropriate and for the most part can be ignored or dealt with using humor – not strict scolding. This is where parents can practice controlling their own anxieties.

Once you start hitting the age of accountability (7-10) you will notice that your child becomes more modest themselves. Kids will start closing the door to go to the bathroom or to change clothes. They will make a big deal if someone sees them naked, etc. It is important for us as parents to respect these requests for privacy. If your child does not start showing signs of modesty, it’s not a huge concern. It just presents more opportunities for you to begin teaching appropriate boundaries re being naked, discussing genitalia, making jokes, etc.

At this age they also begin to ask more in depth questions. If you have a questioning child I encourage frank, honest and simple answers. I do not recommend putting off conversations by the classic response of “we’ll talk about that when you’re older.” You’re missing an opportunity when you procrastinate this task and you are also sending a message that there is something unsafe about approaching you with this topic. If you don’t have a questioning child, it is still important to educate them on sexual basics for three basic reasons: 1. if you don’t they will hear it from somewhere else, 2. you want them to know you are willing to discuss these subjects with them and that you are a resource of knowledge for them, and 3. more and more of our kids are reaching puberty at a younger age. I hear often of girls getting their periods as early as 9 years of age. Breast buds are developing and pubic hair is beginning to show. Puberty is already a confusing time without adding the added obstacle of not having proper information.

I encourage teaching all the basic mechanics at this point of both genders. Examples: Basic anatomy. How a baby is made. There is an egg in the female that needs to be fertilized. It is fertilized by sperm which is in the testes. The penis goes inside the vagina so that the sperm can get to the egg. This is called “sex” or “making love.” The cycle of eggs that are not fertilized. How they break and bleed. This is called a “period” or “menstruation.” Blood comes out of the vagina and girls need to wear pads or tampons. Sometimes sperm comes out of the penis while boys sleep. This is called a “wet dream” and is normal. Etc., etc., etc.,

As they start reaching young men and young women age it is time for more in depth conversations – especially about some of the issues around sexual drive. Please normalize sexual drive. Please teach correct principles about the divinity and purposes of sexual drive. Then add your teachings and values regarding premarital sex, pornography usage, masturbation, etc. If you are going to teach your children that they shouldn’t masturbate, I would make sure that you also explain that this is not as serious of a sin as other ones and that it is something many kids their age do. The worst damage around this issue is done when kids feel they are weird or “freaks” because they masturbate. They also feel like they are addicted or have no control because they masturbate once a week or every two weeks. Please normalize this for them.

Don’t just tell teens what they should or should not do – tell them the whys. Equip yourself with current research and information that shows teenagers are not ready for the emotional intimacy that goes along with sex. Teach them about the risks – STDs, possibility of pregnancy, heartache of break-ups, etc. Teach them about neurons and how our brain is affected by the things we do. When you teach about agency, teach about addiction and how it robs your agency from a scientific perspective. You will have much more power as an educator if you approach this subject in a more diverse way than just from what the church teaches. Teach them how to repent in case they make a wrong turn.

Decide as parents how you want your children approached at church regarding morality. Are you uncomfortable with your 12-year daughter, for instance, going in for a priesthood interview where she will be asked questions regarding the law of chastity? Have a united front as to how you want these types of situations handled and then communicate them to your local leaders. I know many parents who actually ask to be present at such interviews. Make sure you know what is being taught in the young men and young women programs regarding chastity. Make sure this program does not take your place as the main sexual educator.

On a side note, I don’t think educating our children is the main reason why kids get “hooked” on porn. I want to be careful as to how we use language. Although most teenagers will have some type of contact with pornography (whether through friends or their own curiosity) this does not mean that they are “hooked.” This speaks of addiction. And there is a big difference between experimentation, curiosity and developing an actual addiction. This is where as parents, we need to be careful not to overdramatize problems. If we find out our child has seen pornography, has masturbated, has been petting heavily or even having premarital sex – it does not mean that they are doomed to addiction or a life of misery. This is where we can correctly teach the principles of the atonement alongside the equally important principles of self worth.

I would rather parents err on the side of sharing too much than not sharing enough.

Learning how to manage our own anxiety is pivotal. It’s ok to say “I don’t know.” It’s ok to say “let me think about how I want to answer that and I’ll get back to you” (and make sure you get back to them). It’s ok to speak about your own feelings (i.e. “It can feel uncomfortable to talk about this stuff but its so important that we do. It’s my job as your parent to explain these things to you.”). Family Home Evening is a great venue to discuss these types of topics on a general note. Then you can focus on each child individually as well.

I don’t have any great recommendations of books, especially for your aged children. The ones I’ve seen usually include information that is not completely congruent with LDS beliefs. Although that also presents an opportunity to share what other people believe vs what we believe. I am currently working on my own book on this topic directed towards children but that may take a while to get off the ground. A Parent’s Guide put out by the church has very useful guidelines of what is age appropriate. I’d love to hear from other readers on things they have found helpful.

Good luck on this wonderful and important endeavor!