How does our polygamous history affect our current relationships?

This study of the significance of eternal marriage has been going on since my wife informed me, after the birth of our first two children about five years into our marriage, that if I were to die, “of course she would remarry. She would need someone to provide support for her and the kids, and help raise them.” My witty comeback was “I’m sure that’s just what you would tell your new husband on your honeymoon night! When you have sexual relations in exchange for something of value ( a paycheck and help with diapers) I think that’s called prostitution.” And I don’t think, after being married to Husband No. 2 and/or bearing children with him, she would have divorced him at some point so she could prepare to spend eternity with me. Of course she countered she would stay married to Husband No. 2 in order to prepare to spend eternity with me. You know, she would “practice” with him so she would be a better eternal spouse for me. Somehow, her answer and her outlook on eternal marriage and our sealing did not provide me one bit of comfort. In fact, it told me loud and clear that she had not made up her mind that she wanted to spend eternity with me, despite all the pronouncements of “love” and “you’re the only one” and so forth, uttered prior to and immediately after our sealing. Of course, from her perspective, having been brought up and taught that “most definitely, men will have more than one wife in the Celestial Kingdom,” it only makes sense that she would want to even the score, even if only for a period of her mortal life. She was raised with the idea that once a woman is sealed, that’s it. Presuming she and her first husband don’t break any major commandments, they will be together in the Celestial Kingdom. It doesn’t matter if the husband dies and the wife remarries because she wouldn’t be able to be sealed to the second husband. The first husband would have to accept the fact that his wife loved another man, and that somehow she just wouldn’t “love” her second husband in the same way and manner as the first, and wouldn’t want to be with him forever. And if the wife died and the husband was sealed to another sister, then the first wife would come to “accept” polygamy in the eternities. And if two people married “for time only” because they were already sealed, then that marriage was “just for their convenience and companionship.”

From that point forward I’ve wondered what the doctrine was, why we say we’re married for time and all eternity when it appears we’re really not; why it is “okay” to remarry, and what the possible effects of remarriage would have with respect to the eternities. None of my questions affect non-members because most of the Christian world believes we’ll all be one big happy “family” in the eternities, that there won’t be family units, no husbands and wives, parents and children. Therefore, for nonmembers, “till death do you part” presents no problem with respect to remarriage. In fact, non-members should remarry freely and easily because there is no expectation of an eternal relationship with their spouse. But that certainly isn’t the case with Latter-day Saints. There is no “open” discussion of remarriage. When the topic comes up, people generally clam up or squirm in their chairs. When we hear of widows or widowers remarrying, congratulations and well wishing are everywhere. But no one dares ask: “What impact do you think this will have on your first sealing? You say you’re just remarrying to “take care of one another.” Do you really think that’s all a second marriage is? What are you going to do as your love for one another grows? What’s going to happen to your relationship with your prior spouse?”

I’ve wondered – what would happen to me? If I had died after 5 or 10 years of marriage and my wife had remarried another righteous man, had children with him, and been married to him for another 40 or 50 years, would I just have to accept the fact that she had loved another man for that time period, but that I would have her for eternity? I’m pragmatic. Why would my wife want to spend eternity with me if she had just spent 20, 30, 40 or 50 or even 60 years married to another man? What of the example of the woman married to the 7 brothers in the scriptures? What if she loved Husband No. 7 best of all? And what if the shoe were on my foot? Why would I remarry or even consider it? Or, could I remarry without worry and no matter what, my first wife would just have to accept my second wife as a plural wife? Or would I look for a previously sealed woman so I could tell children and family that remarriage was just “to be taken care of.”

Initially, I had convinced myself that if I died and my wife remarried, I guess she would “have” to spend eternity with me, even if she loved her second husband more than me. I actually almost felt sorry for her if she were to find herself in that predicament! But once I learned that we can seal women to all husbands they’ve had in mortality, that really made matters confusing. If she had remarried, what would become of me if she eventually chose Husband No. 2 over me? Would she have to choose either one of us? Would she have two husbands in the eternities? Would I have a chance to find another wife in the Spirit World? If there isn’t plural marriage in the eternities, and presuming she marries a man who is worthy of the Celestial Kingdom, why wouldn’t she want to be with him for eternity as opposed to me? Would her choice be directly proportional to the amount of time married? How could I choose between my first wife and my second wife? Would I have to choose at all? Would any of us have to “choose” at all, or would Heavenly Father just put people randomly together? Or, because He is our Father and knows us so well, would He basically put us all in arranged marriages? And if there is plural marriage, then why all this fuss over fidelity in mortality? Why isn’t our church culture such that we should all strive to be married as much of our adult lives as possible? If it’s no big deal to remarry, then why do people feel any guilt at all? Why don’t leaders encourage members to embark on a dating spree as soon as the funeral is over? And I used to think if I outlived my wife, then maybe my chances were better. But once I fell upon the idea of dating in the Spirit World, that shot down all my hopes! I have experienced a sampling of my wife’s “out of sight – out of mind” tendencies. Based on that experience, along with those comments made early in our marriage and others she’s made since, I don’t think she intends to stay “single” any longer than is necessary, whatever side of the veil she’s on.

I know we like to address the general rule and deal with the exceptions individually. (See talk by Elder Boyd K. Packer “Follow the Rule”, BYU Speeches, 14 Jan. 1977) That is a great strategy. But in this case, the general rule is that at some point after we’re sealed, we’re going to be single again. The odds of living to a ripe old age with your spouse and both of you dying in your sleep are extremely small. Therefore, you would think the general rule – an explanation of sealing policies and the effects of remarriage – would be readily known. A few minutes of internet browsing and searching and you’ll see that the “doctrine” is anything but readily known, nor are the temple sealing policies known to rank and file church members. I used to think I was the only church member who didn’t understand the doctrine. Now I’ve come to find out that no one understands it! I haven’t found one clear, concise quote made public by any modern authority that answers the issues I’ve raised. Add to that the contradictory statements found in talks and articles. Just when I think I understand everything, another leader will say something opposite. Despite clearly worded sealing policies, there is nothing in modern revelation outlining the effect of remarriage on sealings, plural marriage, agency, or what choices will have to be made in the after life. I’ve never had to know the end result with respect to a particular set of circumstances, but I think a general understanding of principles is a fair inquiry. I know we’ll be families in the eternities. I think we’ll be monogamous with very little exception. That’s why I believe any marriage (really any significant relationship) impacts the eternities, and therefore you had better be prepared to accept the consequences if you remarry.

Will there be plural marriage in the eternities or not? If yes, then will men have plural wives? Will women have plural husbands? If I die and my wife remarries, and I am one of her plural husbands, will I have the chance to find another wife in the Spirit World so that I have plural wives, also? And if we won’t have plural marriage will we have to choose one spouse out of the many to whom we might be sealed because of marriages entered into in mortality? Will only women have to pick, and not men? For those husbands or wives that are not “picked,” will there be an opportunity in the Spirit World to find another spouse? I think those are fair questions. If we believe in plural marriage in the eternities, that there’s nothing wrong with becoming one flesh with more than one person, there really is no incentive at all not to be married as much of your adult life as possible. If the ability to have romantic love for successive people is “acceptable,” doesn’t show a lack of loyalty, and not against the laws of the land nor of the gospel, then why not try and be married as much as possible? (Like Bryant Hinckley) On the other hand, if we’re going to be monogamous, then why would I allow myself to fall in love with another person, knowing my spouse is alive and well in the Spirit World? (Like Elder Richard G. Scott). Is our doctrine really serial monogamy in mortality, plurality or polyamorous in perpetuity?

I am a “waiter” married to a “non-waiter.” Ever since I understood that my wife was, and still is, open to the idea of spending eternity with someone else, I have kept my feelings in check. Outwardly we have a wonderful marriage. We’ve been married 30 years, raised 5 wonderful children. We’re active and hold callings. But deep down inside there is an intimate part of me that refuses to give our marriage 100% because I don’t really believe my wife has a desire to spend eternity with me. I provide for her comfort and care. I’m often complimented on what a good husband I am. It’s a passive aggressive kind of feeling. My wife would never commit adultery or otherwise not keep her basic covenants. But since remarriage is technically not in violation of temple covenants, the whole scheme of eternal marriage is placed in doubt.

I’m not sure what type of response you are looking for from me on this issue but I will give you some of my ideas and general concerns for us as a culture at large.  I agree the doctrine and history of polygamy within our church is complicated, unclear and even taboo.  Since the early 1900’s we have collectively separated ourselves from polygamy without in any shape or fashion coming to terms with it.  We currently have an official statement saying we do not practice polygamy and we excommunicate members who do.  However, as you have pointed out, on an eternal schema – the doctrinal territory is still very much in the open with no clarifying direction coming from our leaders.  I am not in a position to offer that direction – which I agree is needed.  My main concerns lie with the following considerations:

• Cultural myths and folklore regarding polygamy and its implications abound within our local congregations- including an underlying current that the practice could return.  Belief thought to be doctrinal, yet often taken out of context or misinterpreted, exists and ranges dramatically in scope depending on your family history, religious history and ward/geographical area you live in, etc.  I have moved enough to know this is the case. 
• For many areas where the church is fairly new, there is little to no knowledge of our polygamous past.  When the history catches up with these members it is often times what causes them to feel betrayed enough to leave the church.  
• Gender inequality in our temple ceremonies affect many current marriages and parenting positions.  I have had several young, widowed female clients with children from the first marriage remarrying and unable to participate in the sealing ordinances of the temple because they had been sealed before.  As you’ve stated, this holds religious implications for both partners and their children that can seep into their relationships in ways neither intend.
• Lastly and going along with my last point, these beliefs of how we formulate the afterlife have serious implications for the current relationships we find ourselves in.  Such as some of the examples you gave:  holding back in our emotional commitment, being passive aggressive, doubting our spouse’s commitment or loyalty towards us, doubting our faith, etc.  These implications limit the intimacy potential of marriages in a way that is difficult to measure.  And they hold true whether we stay married to just the one person we are sealed to or even more so if we find ourselves in the position of remarriage after death.  This is highly concerning to me.

Back to your specific situation: My main concern lies with the fact that you are limiting your current earthly experience with your wife on “knowledge” regarding an afterlife we know very little about.  I know as Mormons we like to believe we know a lot about the afterlife – and we do have doctrinal insights not offered in other religious dogma that often bring great comfort and peace.  However, I do not believe our Heavenly Parents would want “truth, light and knowledge” to affect your every day actions and/or mental status in a way that would distance you from your wife instead of bringing you closer to her.  If you need help sorting this out, you may want to consider some individual and/or marital counseling sessions with an LDS therapist who would understand the doctrinal issues behind your concerns.

It’s not a paralyzing issue.  It’s just something that is “out there.”  I assume you’re married and sealed in the temple.  Have you had the discussion with your spouse?  How do you feel about remarriage after being widowed?  How would you react if your husband looks you in the eye and says “Honey – I never want to be alone in mortality.  After an acceptable period of mourning I will date and remarry someone.  If she happens to have never been sealed before, then of course we’ll be sealed together, and you’ll have a sister wife.  And if she has been previously sealed, then I will want our kids to be sealed to us together after we die, and I guess I’ll have 2 wives, my second wife will have 2 husbands, and you and her first husband will only have one spouse.  I guess that’s just the way it goes.”  On the one hand, it’s easy to say “que sera, sera.”  We should be able to have those kind of conversations and not feel offended or hurt or anything else.  Yet, because the doctrine on plural sealings is so “up in the air,” it means Latter-day Saint husbands and wives are in no better position to think about what they’ll do after a spouse dies than are non-members.  Knowing all we know about the Spirit World and Plan of Salvation and eternal marriage, you would think we would know exactly how re-marriage after the death of a sealed spouse would impact the eternities.  But we don’t know anything.  Well, there really is nothing left to do except take one day at a time and make the most of our relationships while we’re here on earth.  I’ve told myself time and time again not to worry about the day when my wife and I will be single again.  As stated by a stake president, we’ll all be single again, whether it’s on this side of the veil or the other.  Thanks for the insightful website.

Yes, I have thought about these issues as I’m sure most married and single members have.  And I agree that there is a lot of knowledge still to be desired.  What I will state next are my own Mormonesque ideas, thoughts and beliefs on how I grapple with this topic to which anyone has the right to completely disagree with and discount:
I have always chosen to see the “sealing” as more of an abstract connecting ritual of humankind – not a rigid, calculated way of tying people together through only the bounds of a marital relationship.  I am one who chooses not to believe in polygamy in the sense of how deity is organized.  It makes no logical and/or emotional sense to me and I am glad to be part of a religion that taught me that truth would resonate within me.  Anything else I am free to reject.  I do believe in Heavenly Parents and I believe  in eternal marriage.  I believe in the anatomical symbology of husband and wife (meaning how our bodies fit together to create “one”) and the creative powers that lie within.  My understanding of the gospel lies largely with metaphor – not so much concrete realities.  It is how Christ taught and I am comfortable with symbols and given meaning depending on a given situation.  For me, this earthly experience is a symbolic journey – foreshadowing things to come and presenting things that have been.  I understand that we can love more than one person, have children with more than one person and this quickly makes our Mormon concept of eternal marriage with one companion complex.  However, the concepts of agency, choice and the atonement are central to my belief as well as the concept of them taking place both in this world and in the hereafter.  I do not believe these choices will necessitate a stop to relationships with those whom we love – we may, however,  need to choose the type of relationship.  I don’t know.
I do not feel that neither I nor my husband has a right to dictate what the other should do if one of us were to die.  In that sense the “til death do us part” holds some logistical meaning.  Things I believe now may change rather quickly if I was faced with his untimely death, as I’m sure they would for him.  Part of my current love and devotion to him is my decision to give him his freedom and not dictate how he should love me.  In the end my testimony lies mainly in the power of love.  I do not think any one of us can yet fully understand its depth, its healing power, its ability to solve what may now seem unsolvable.  But it’s the one thing I can say “I know” –  and it’s the framework from which I choose to live within the context of my present moment.  In the end, our present moment is all we truly have.  And how sad it would be for a largely unknown future to hold my present relationship hostage. 
In my opinion, for us as Mormons to think we have the eternities figured out in all its complexities is ludicrous and quite pompous.  The concept of eternity itself is mind blowing and completely foreign to our mortal and linear existence – where all we know are beginnings and ends.  I am greatly thankful for the founders of our faith who were willing to enter the realms of the eternities with their questions, debate, discussion and progressive thoughts – allowing for inspiration to teach – and giving us insight we might otherwise not have.  We can either allow the enormity of eternity to liberate us and help us hand our hearts and relationships over to God – or we can allow it to paralyze us with fear, anxiety and the delusion that we know more than we do.  I hope we can enjoy the truths we find in our doctrine without allowing them to get in the way of one of the most precious gifts we currently have – the present moment shared with those we hold most dear.  

I would ask my readers to comment on this sensitive topic and how you feel the doctrines surrounding polygamy either directly or indirectly affect your marriage, your sense of self, your sense of deity, your sense of the afterlife, etc., etc.  Thank you!  Oh, and take my new poll on the sidelines….