This blog has been on hiatus for several months because of the demands on my time and the adjustments required following the death of my husband last September. There are so many changes and so much additional work that come with a family death that I needed time to maneuver my way through it all. Now, however, I would like to share some insights from this experience.
Friends and Family: Pillars of Support
I’ve been stunned by the tremendous support of my friends and family. I never expected the overwhelmingly kind reaction through cards, phone calls, and emails. I was surprised by touching notes even from neighbors and fellow parishioners I hardly knew.
One cousin I’ve met only a few times not only sent a card but called me several weeks after the funeral to find out how I was doing. She, too, is a widow, so she knows what’s it like to go through this odyssey of rupture and grief and therefore wanted to try to help another widow the way she had been helped.
Another widowed cousin sent me a unique sympathy card with a profound message, adding some enlightening remarks from the priest who officiated at her husband’s funeral. Yet another cousin (I have 54!), one who hadn’t ever communicated with me before other than to visit at family gatherings, not only sent a condolence card, but also followed up with a Christmas card full of family news.
Other cousins/friends sent condolence messages and then were thoughtful enough to also send special Christmas and Valentine’s greetings to express their concern for me during the holidays, which can be a tough time emotionally for the bereaved.
Consolation Cards
I have always tried to send condolence cards to friends and family experiencing the loss of a loved one, even though I wondered if a card did much good or got much notice. Well, now I can tell you — they mean a lot to the recipient.
I never before realized what beautiful and meaningful sentiments some of those cards have. My congratulations to the writers at the greeting card companies. They have put some serious thought into what to say and how to say it that will bring real comfort to those very much needing consolation.
The Big Assist
Champion among my helpful friends was the one who, along with her office assistant, took charge of me the day after my husband died and ferried me around town to the funeral home and all the places we needed to go to make arrangements. They stayed with me from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., bought lunch, organized the funeral plans, and on and on. Remarkable! I have no family nearby, so without these two wonderful women, I couldn’t have even begun to negotiate all the tasks that needed doing.
Then my daughter arrived. What a rock! She took over from my friends, made lists, helped with the last of the arrangements, and just generally ran the show, taking the burden off me. I am so proud of her and the way she partnered with me in crisis.
The burial was a separate event a month later at a Veterans Cemetery in Texas. Again, friends rallied to my side, some coming from long distances. One picked up my daughter and me at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport and drove us 3 hours to Abilene. She brought along enough food for a whole reception and took care of everything.
Another friend took pictures at the burial and made a beautiful video of it so that I would have a remembrance of the awesome military honors and final farewell.
Uplifting Prayers
Most astonishing in all this, I discovered how many people had been praying for my husband and for me as his caregiver. (See: https://www.patheos.com/blogs/musingsfromthepew/2024/08/waitin-on-a-man-sitting-by-the-sickbed/) I had no inkling that all that prayer power was out there in our names, or who was praying (some lovely surprises there), but I swear, during the funeral, I physically felt as if I were being lifted up by all the prayers. They really do help!
This life event has been a humbling experience for me. It made me wonder: Have I been this nice to my friends when they were in need? Did I make the effort to send cards and notes? Did I include my sick or deceased friends in my prayers? Did I check to make sure they were doing okay? Did I deserve all this kindness?
You can bet that, from now on, I will be more vigilant about all these things. I owe so much to so many, and I don’t want anyone in need to go without the kind of comfort and care that I received.
The Church: The Rock of Ages for All Who Are in Need
The Church was truly the Rock of Ages for me. Having the traditions and the structure of Catholicism to lean on was a great comfort. My pastor made sure that my husband had a proper send-off from his church community, with all the blessings of our faith and a confirmation of the life to come. What we believe holds true in trying times. The Church is your companion, providing support and wisdom on this journey.
God was my anchor, my silent partner throughout the trauma. Knowing that God is there to provide strength and love, to listen to your thoughts and understand your feelings, is a steadying force. You truly can feel God walking beside you and sympathizing with your pain.
Reach Out, Connect, and Receive
Whenever you think you are alone, think again. If you are plugged into your church, your faith, even a little bit, there may be an army of prayer warriors advocating for your cause. Those amazing people who keep prayer lists are doing more good than even they imagine.
That is part of the tragedy of people who are lonely and think there’s no kindness in this cruel world. It’s not that there is no one out there for them, but that they have cut themselves out of the support system that is found among other humans, particularly in the Church.
We are often unaware of the spiritual and corporal works of mercy, of the goodness, of others. It’s an astounding revelation when you discover this generosity. If you are not finding the help you need, open yourself to the Church, to its people, and all its blessings. The rewards of faith will get you through the worst of times, I promise.
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