Thank you, Aliaa Elmehdy, for showing us what freedom is

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

I read a news article this weekend about an Egyptian feminist blogger named Aliaa Elmehdy, who in a controversial move uploaded a nude picture online in order to express her freedom after the revolution in Egypt.  Her move was met with condemnation by Muslims all over the world, but for myself, I have a different view.

I for one would like to give a hearty “thank you” to Aliaa Elmehdy for showing all us ignorant repressed women what freedom is really all about.  Here I am, Muslim for eighteen years, forcing myself to wear this oppressive “modest” clothing, covering my hair, not letting every Tom, Dick and Harry (or Fuad, Zaid and Ahmed) see me in my altogether.  I was under the false impression that I had liberated myself by tossing away the bikini and picking up a Qur’an.  I’m so ashamed and saddened that I wasted eighteen years of my life studying and marrying an educated practicing Muslim and having kids and praying and having a business and being what I thought was a dynamic human being.  Well, now that I know better, I guess I can finally give up my horrible life and blossom into the free naked woman I always knew I should be.

Now, I’m not in Egypt, which is where Miss Almehdy hails from, so I can’t go out and be naked there to support the revolution.  I have to be naked here in America, so I have to  find some domestic issue to support with my nudity.  Occupy Wall Street seems to be the cause of the moment.  Perhaps I can fly up to New York and strip down there at one of the camps they have set up.  I can stand in all my Lady Godiva glory (minus the artfully placed long flowing hair that in the paintings covers all the nasty bits) and pose with my arms flung wide yelling “I am FREE!” so that it echoes and reverberates in the high steel and glass canyons and inspires others to disrobe.  I only hope that the ones so inspired are, you know, in shape, because I don’t want anyone to be subjected to some fat dude dropping his trousers in the middle of the road.  That would be oppressive to other peoples’ eyes.  Think Peter Griffin in “Family Guy”.

Come to think of it, I’m a bit far from New York.  I’m not that far from Washington D.C., however, so perhaps it would be more effective for me to be free closer to home.  I could strip to protest cuts to medicare; I could disrobe to tell the world I’m against global warming.  I could perhaps go starkers in order to let President Barack Obama know that I disagree with his wife’s healthy eating policy and I want to be free to rot my teeth and clog my arteries without her interference.  There are so many causes, and so little skin.

I’m so happy that Miss Elmehdy has given me such inspiration, and I can’t wait to get started on my heroic campaign of stripping for freedom.  There will be a short delay, though, because first I have to whip myself into shape..  I’m all for freedom of expression, but putting this body, this 44 year old body that has birthed six children and has consumed many football night pizzas and sodas and secret stashes of Whoppers and Milk Duds, well, that would be a bit of an, um, overly expansive exhibition.  So before I hit the freedom circuit, I’m going to hit the treadmill.  Shouldn’t take me more than a few months before I’m in suitable shape to inspire.  Until then, fear not, gentle reader.  I’m sure Miss Elmehdy will continue to offer us great inspiration.  After all, once a nude picture gets out onto the internets, it will be there until Judgment Day.