Chastity Check

Chastity Check January 27, 2014

He had no shame.

I think that made the situation worse.

He said it so nonchalantly like it was normal practice.

I asked him the question I have asked most brothers I am interested in.

“Have you been in any relationships outside of your previous marriage?”

He looked at me and nodded.

Sadly, it didn’t surprise me because this seemed to be the reality for a majority of brothers my friends and I encountered.

Brothers who acted a hot stakin’ mess…

Sex before marriage, babies out of wedlock and not even hiding it in the slightest.

What makes matters worse is many of them are not reprimanded.

Jummah by day and the club by night.

Posting it everywhere for folks to see.

Listen, I ain’t got the time…

Ya’ll know I keep it real all day everyday.

There are many brothers looking for wives who were once caught up in the dunya. Now a sista ain’t judgin’. I will give a brotha a chance if he is deemed as worthy and approaches the situation with a sincere heart.

The key is to step correct.

With all that being said it is very disheartening meeting brothers who have not held onto their chastity.

If it is expected from women it should also be expected from men as well.

All this mumbo jumbo about how it is difficult for a man to control himself is absolute crap and I don’t use that as an excuse.

All single Muslims regardless of gender are sexually frustrated in an over sexed society.

Now I am not being biased here because I know many sisters have also been involved in premarital sexual relationships as well. I am positive that the number of brothers outweigh the sisters by a long shot.

I give mad respect to the brother who holds himself together for his future wife. I have come across several of them. May Allah reward you. Truly, you are a gem.

Like I have mentioned, if the fear of fornication is not enough to deter you from premarital encounters then the fear of contracting one of the 3 H’s (Herpes, HIV, Hepatitis) should be enough.

Thirty minutes of gratification for a lifetime of misery.

You can keep that!

So many Muslims are concerned with female sexuality that we are not looking at the bigger picture. Instead of focusing on the proper way to tie your hijab in order not to distract a man we need to be discussing why many Muslim men of marriageable age are, quite frankly, not seeking spouses.

They are getting their needs met in other ways.

Why get married, financially support a wife when you can get booty on the side?

What is truly the incentive?

For some men they see no incentive with taking a wife when they can get what they want for free.

Just like a brother doesn’t want to marry a sister who has been around the block I have no interest in marrying someone who has “been around”. I think many sisters should stick to this approach when dealing with potential suitors.

Don’t settle.

Western culture correlates manhood with sexuality. Many men have fallen for this gimmick and this includes Muslim men.

Then I had this thought…

As a Muslim woman why am I not entitled to be open with my own sexuality? I am not talking about sleeping around here and being reckless with my body. Why am I not able to simply state that one of my motivations for getting married is to fulfill my sexual desires? As a woman even the mere mention of the word “sex” will throw most Muslims into cahoots and a fatwa frenzy. Though as a man its absolutely acceptable to be adamant in regards to his needs.

I think I smell something here called a …. DOUBLE STANDARD!

In many cultures you are not considered a “woman” until you are married and have been intimate with a man.


What is so wrong with having preferences and being vocal about what you want and more importantly what you don’t?Quite frankly, I am disgusted by consistently being defined by a man or in relation to them. As women we are our own entity and deserve to think and speak for ourselves.

Sistas, sexually emancipate yourself and understand that there is nothing wrong with being honest with what Allah has placed within all of us…

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  • THIS is sooooo true. I can’t with brother’s that don’t see the value in chastity.
    It lets me know first OFF that you have maintained sabr and obeyed your Lord, Allah(swt) and followed the advise of His(swt) beloved Messenger (saws).
    It lets me know that you truly fear Allah(swt) and His(swt) punishment.
    It lets me know that you want to elevate our intimacy; that you really are my gift and I am yours.
    it lets me know that you honor what comes out of this intimacy.
    It lets me feel special.

    I am not talking about sins committed before one has made taubah or if your divorced as I am, a questions of have you had intimacy with another woman or not.
    We are talking about that time either before you even GET married or between your last marriage to the next.

    As someone who is divorced with kids this is very important to me. I can’t have someone else’s sins creep up and take me out. I have too much at stake. I have my eyes wide open in this department.

    Thanks for bringing the topic to the forefront.

  • Sudan

    So the idea that a man can’t maintain himself I think is on some level valid. I am 24, I will admit off the bat that I have maintained myself. That is great and all but what has that done for me really? I am in a culture where sex sells and it is the forefront topic. My manhood for at least the past 8 years has been defined on if I have been with a woman. I have had roommates who used to bring home several women. If I were to slip who would care…. really? Maybe my parents, maybe my sisters. Friends both Muslim and non Muslim would either not care or congratulate me on “losing’ it.

    Luckily I am at the point in my life where people go back to minding their own business. I am not crammed into locker rooms or stuck with a bunch of guys after school. However, sometimes I do wonder. Did I just waste my late teens and early twenties? Plus as I get older it seems that the chances of finding a woman who has also maintained will get slimmer. Maybe it is because I am surrounded by sex in this society but, it deftly feels the promiscuous people are the majority.

  • Double standards are quite horrible, indeed 🙁 !