crisis and the pursuit of truth

Darrin, who I met through this blog, commented on this morning’s cartoon “Goodbye?”:

Honesty is a lonely trail sometimes. Keep up the good work. And you do go too far sometimes! LOL. So do we all though! Maybe for many people in the church Dave you simply pronounce shibbóleth the wrong way and they then won’t let you cross into places they don’t want you to be. But those places are home for you and where your voice is most authentic. You have to be true to you. So thanks.

I’m going through another crisis lately. It is a very melancholy and lonely time. This is the darkest path yet. Here are just a few of the most important things that are vexing me:

1. I’m getting older. I switched streams so late in life. I left the church in April 2010 and have no intentions of going back. What do I do now that is meaningful in this world? Which will also earn me a living? At my darkest moments, even though I know I had to do what I did, I find my terrified self asking, “What have I done?“
2. Although I am not intentionally, in a reactionary way, distancing myself from Christian theology or those associated with it (the church and its members), it is happening anyway. Actually, I feel I am being distanced from. Although I believe my pursuit of truth could be embraceable by authorized truth, I suspect it won’t be.
3. I am finding stimulation and serenity in philosophers such as Ludwig Wittgenstein, Michel Foucault, and Derrida. To me, their philosophy is, in biblical terms, a crucified philosophy because it carries within itself the seeds to its own humiliation. Somehow this seems most true to me.

I am pursuing truth without permission from an institution I served for almost all of my life. I have to be true to my own pursuit of truth. Otherwise I would live a lie. I began my journey in the institution. Now I continue it outside of it. But perhaps in the end I will have served all people.

That would make me glad.

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