Melt Oh My Heart

I went to Saint Stephen’s University this last weekend to hear Pete Rollins because my friend Brianna Kocka invited me to go. I’ve been reading his work and would have liked to hear him. At first I was very reluctant. But then another friend Judith Brannen also invited me to go and that sealed it. Right up to the last minute I really didn’t want to go. But something besides these kind invitations was pulling me to go. I didn’t want to go because I was very nervous about 3 things:

1. I have been outside the church and its people, physically at least, for almost a year. Whenever I run into someone from the church it is often very awkward. I allowed this awkwardness to develop a paranoia within me. In a sense I’ve become so isolated because I don’t want to put up with any more awkwardness. I also know a reputation about me has spread among some that isn’t very favorable. I hear things. My reputation has never been favorable around here, and this last move of mine only exacerbated that. I had come dangerously close to the conclusion that I would never find myself among Christians and church people again. So I was nervous walking into that meeting room. Much to my delight I was warmly received. Many people came up to greet me. People asked me out after. People actually wanted to hang out with me. I do have friends here, but that was a comforting feeling.
2. Another thing that happened this weekend was I went feeling very discouraged about my blog, nakedpastor. I wondered if it was making any valuable difference at all. I wondered if what I considered my ministry as a pastor through my cartoons, art and writing was worth anything to anyone. But as soon as I got there some people came up to me who I hadn’t met before saying it was a pleasure to meet the nakedpastor and that they enjoyed my blog. I met with a group of pastors on sabbatical for a ministry module at the University and they told me how much they enjoyed my book, nakedpastor101. Someone told me that Pete Rollins heard I was there and that he wanted to meet me, and he later told me he read my blog and enjoyed my book very much. I left that weekend affirmed that my blog is doing some good work, and that in spite of the controversy it is of some value to the church.
3. Finally, I went to the weekend very confused about my calling and role as a pastor. When I first left the church last year I said I would never do that again or even be a pastor again. But as usual time went on and I realized I was reacting with bitterness and resentment. I have a regular job teaching English as as second language. I pretty much started concluding that my work with the church was finished. But many people were constantly reminding me that I am a pastor to many people globally. They reminded me that being a pastor is a way of being, not just a job. And when I listened to Rollins I often felt like I was listening to myself. In fact, one friend came up to me one night and said with a tone of humor in his voice, “This stuff must really be offending you!” and then laughed. He said that what Pete was saying was what my blog was all about and that I should find it very affirming. I began to feel my heart melt a bit and warm up to the possibility that my vocation as a pastor may not be completed. I do believe in the church, love it, am passionate about it, and think that it is important and even necessary. Maybe I still have a place as a servant of the church?

So that’s my story. It reveals just how insecure, how desperate for love and how hungry for affirmation I am. But this is an interesting turn of events and heart for me. What this is going to mean I yet have no idea.