The Silence

Behind the depressing silence of the sea, the silence of God… the feeling that while men raise their voices in anguish God remains with folded arms, silent.*

The loudest thing these days is the silence of God. I knew when I left the church last April that I was entering a huge learning curve. I knew I filed for a very surprising, sudden and sad divorce from an institution I’d served for over 30 years. I also realized I was intentionally and purposefully entering a season of grief because of my decision. I couldn’t have predicted the depth of pain, the complexity of readjustment and the accompanying silence that lay before me.

Before April 2010 my whole life and livelihood was filled and sustained by the church and Christians. Now that has all changed. In fact, I confess that even in this blog you may have noticed my vain attempts to keep at least some of my sustenance supplied by the church and its members. But I’ve had to slowly face the fact that this isn’t to be. I’m being forced to learn what it means to live fully in the world while not of it.

It is the hardest lesson I’ve ever had to learn, mainly because of the serious deprogramming that needs to occur, as well as the deathly silence of all that seemed to be my help before. At my weakest moments I wonder if I have inadvertently brought upon myself a curse.

I am not dying physically. But so much else is.

*from Shusaku Endo, Silence.