I’m Not a Good Soldier

I took a long walk today. Something important gradually dawned on me:

I have always struggled within the church. This blog is all about critiquing religion and the church. I love religion and the church, but I’ve always struggled within them and have witnessed, experienced and sometimes perpetuated terrible things… about which I write and cartoon.

One of the criticisms I frequently get is that I’m not fair, that I paint with too broad a brush. Not all of religion is like that or churches or pastors. I agree. There are lots of good things about religion. There are tons of good churches. There are many good pastors. I’ve even experienced these, not just heard about them.

But I have experienced countless negative things that many others have. So much so that one could presume that it comes with the territory. I do believe spiritual abuse is rampant, that systems perpetually pull towards inhumane policies and treatment of people, and that all kinds of harmful ideas, attitudes and behaviours run rampant inside systems, including the church.

What dawned on me today is that I am the problem. I am the one who stirs things up. The reasons are these: I refuse to conform to the status quo. I don’t like arrogant authority figures. I hate seeing people taken advantage of. I’m suspicious of unquestioning loyalty to systems and its leaders. I really just want to be allowed to be free to be me.

So when I felt any pressure or even a suggestion that I should toe the line, I would rebel. I would take it for a while, but eventually I would speak up or send that email. I had to in order to keep my integrity intact, to keep my conscience clear, and to speak freely. I often did it to protect myself. But many times I did it for the sake of those I saw mistreated.

And it almost always got me in trouble.

Everything’s fine and dandy as long as you don’t notice. And if you do notice, shut up! That’s the truth. Speak your mind and suffer the consequences.

So I could blame the authorities. I could blame the systems. But the fact is I’m to blame for not conforming like a good soldier.

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