Husbands, Be a Patient Listener

This is the fourth post in the “How to Grow as a Husband” series. You can click the links to read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5.)

One of my favorite lines about communication between significant others comes from the movie Dumb and Dumber. When Harry explains to Lloyd why a girl broke up with him he said, “She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her enough or something. I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention.” Unfortunately this hits way too close to home for many husbands. Default mode for us often means halfway listening to our wives, waiting on them to finish so we can talk, talking over them, or not really listening to what they are saying and jumping to improper conclusions.

The art of patient listening is not foreign to the Christian husband. He experiences patient listening every day of his life. Because Jesus has given his life for us and sits at God’s right hand making intercession for us, God hears us when we come to him. He invites us to come near to him and inclines his ear to hear us. Christians also experience the patience of God as he encourages us to bring our requests to him continually. In addition God patiently forgives us when we ask and has been forgiving the same sins in many of us for a long time. God’s patience towards us is not begrudging. We are his children and he delights to hear us and be patient with us.

In addition husbands heed the command to love our wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Many times this sacrificial love does not mean taking a bullet for our wives, but loving them everyday in a sacrificial way. This means we listen when we are tired, empathize when we have difficulty understanding, and patiently seek to understand before we jump to conclusions. This kind of listening is not a burden for the Christian husband, but rather should be something we seek to do from a joyful posture towards our wives.

Give Her Your Full Attention

Men, when your wife wants to talk to you be sure you give her one hundred percent of your attention. Mute the television, shut off your phone, or put down the book you are reading. Look her in the face and show you are hearing what she is saying. This does not mean fake nodding, but a posture which lends itself towards active listening.

For many men this means we need to learn how to leave our work at the front door when we come home. Pick a spot on your commute where you will turn off the radio and take a few minutes to pray. Ask the Lord to help you be fully home when you get home. Leave your laptop in the car if it will be a distraction. Put your phone on a shelf or plug it in if you are tempted to scroll instead of talking. When you are at work be completely at work. Then when you come home be there completely.

Give Her Your Ear and Not Your Mouth

Resist the urge to jump into the conversation with your opinion about what your wife should do or how she should feel. Too often we formulate our next sentence while she is still speaking. Instead, resolve not to speak until you have fully heard what your wife is saying. Ask her appropriate follow up questions so you know you understand what she is saying. Hold off on your opinion until she invites you in.

I realize this sounds like something our second grade teacher would tell us about listening to another person, but how many of us have developed poor listening habits? Maybe this is a good time to work on our listening skills with every person, but our wives in particular need our listening ear.

Conversations with our wives are a joy and are not a burden. In his book The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller says “Your spouse has got to be your best friend, or on the way to becoming your best friend, or you won’t have a strong, rich marriage that endures and that makes you both vastly better persons for having been in it.” Our marriages should be marked by a growing friendship, and we build friendships through talking and shared time together. The discipline of patient listening grows our marital friendship and produces joy in our marriage.

Related Posts:
“Why the Bible Doesn’t Have Much ‘Marriage Advice’”
“What Happens When Your Marriage Doesn’t Have an Eject Button”

For Further Reading:
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller
The Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler
When Sinners Say “I Do” by Dave Harvey