Hookups, Porn, Selfish Men, and the Beauty of Marriage

Nancy Jo Sales talked to singles in Manhattan, Indiana, and Delaware about their experiences with dating and hookups for her Vanity Fair article, “Tinder and the Dawn of the Dating Apocalypse.” In the article, which I must warn you contains a fair amount of graphic language, she shares how the rise of dating apps like Tinder have pushed us past traditional dating rituals and into the era of fast, meaningless hookups. Hookup culture is nothing new, but she argues the rapid acceleration of technology has in turn rapidly ushered in what one interviewee called, “the dating apocalypse.”

Sales’ article reveals troubling trends arising from this new culture and in doing so inadvertently shows the beauty of the Gospel, marriage, and the Christian sexual ethic.

Selfishness v.s. Selflessness

One of the article’s most revealing moments occurs in a conversation with two men she calls Nick and Brian. (Sales says she changed some names for the article.) Neither Nick nor his friend John have had girlfriends in the last several years. In fact Nick, who lives with his mother, bragged that he recently slept with three women in four nights and only spent $80 on the three girls combined and John boasted of his ability to get a woman’s number on Tinder only from sending her emojis. Brian broke rank with his friends and had a girlfriend for a while before she broke up with him before she found out he was cheating.

None of the three guys are remotely interesting in being in a relationship anymore. Nick would rather hookup than be in a relationship because “I don’t want to deal with all that- stuff,” and Brian echoed the sentiment saying, “You can’t be selfish in a relationship. It feels good just to do what I want.” We should at least give these men the credit for being honest. They want the benefits of a relationship, sex, without the woman asking them for anything in return. The selfishness demonstrated by many young men in our culture that one woman interviewed in the article talked about how surprised she was when one guy drove her home the next morning after they hooked up.

Contrast this unrestrained selfishness with the Christian vision of marriage and relationships. “Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Christian marriage pulls people away from their innate selfishness, which few cultures regarded as a virtue before ours began to exalt it as something to be admired. In his words to married Christians, Paul points to the example of the greatest man who ever lived. Paul commands husbands to love their wives in the same way Christ loved his church. How did Jesus love the church? In his life he came “not to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.” In his death on the cross, Jesus sacrificed himself for his people to bring them back to God. He laid down his life for the good of those he came to save. Eschewing relationships and using people for selfish ends leaves us as people with poorly developed character. Marriage forces a person to look in the mirror and recognize how deeply rooted our selfishness really is. Rather than coddling our selfishness, the example of Christ calls us to crucify our selfishness and grow in sacrificial love for the sake of another. Then, in the ultimate coup in our selfish culture, we find that putting our selfishness to death and looking out for others is the path to genuine joy.

For my entire life I have heard people say that a male who looks at pornography and sleeps with every willing woman is, “just being a man.” May I be honest about this? The male who consistently consumes pornography and uses women solely to fulfill his sexual desire is the exact opposite of a man. He’s a selfish pervert who exploits the vulnerable for his own interest. Men recognize they were made by God and exist for him and not for themselves. Because they know they are dependent upon the sacrificial grace of Jesus, men sacrifice for others instead of using them. Men know they were made in God’s image to tend and cultivate the earth, so they take responsibility rather than avoiding it. Men embrace Jesus’ call to look out for the least of these, so they protect and care for the vulnerable instead of using them to fulfill their selfish desires. When men come face to face with the reality of their selfishness, perversion, sin, and exploitation they repent rather than excusing what they have done.

The Devastating Effects of Pornography

(Warning: There will be some frank discussions about sexuality in this section.)
One particularly graphic section of Sales’ article recounts a discussion with a gathering of college on the front porch of an off-campus house one morning. On this particular Sunday morning these University of Delaware students were recounting the events of the previous night. Some of them talked about their hookups and it led into a discussion about hookup culture and sex on their college campus. Among the topics covered were the number of young men who experienced some type of sexual dysfunction. Several of the girls recalled instances of young men who were unable to “perform” and they placed the blame on the over-consumption of porn among this age group.

This group of sorority girls actually hit on something an increasing number of people have noted of late. Pornography rewires the brain and make it more difficult for men to enjoy intimacy with actual women. The brain releases dopamine when we encounter an enjoyable behavior we want to repeat. The more enjoyable the experience, the higher the level of dopamine that is released. (Contrary to popular belief, it is dopamine, not testosterone, which provides the main fuel for the male sex drive.) The brain initially reacts to pornography the same way it responds to an actual sexual act. Yet if a person watches the same type of pornography over time they will need to seek a more extreme form of pornography to satisfy the urge for a dopamine release the brain craves. The result is that over time the consumption of pornography rewires the way the brain works. It should be no surprise then to find men who consume pornography growing bored or frustrated during sexual acts with a real woman because they do not involve the sensationalized scenes their brains have grown accustomed to desiring.

This phenomena shows why, in a turn of events our sex-crazed culture would never expect, research has shown that married men report being more satisfied with their sexual experiences than their single counterparts. God did not create sex to be enjoyed outside of the union of husband and wife; and he especially did not create it to be a spectator sport. The married man and woman are no longer two, but instead they are joined together as one flesh before God. They experience a unity of life which includes all of who they are. Sexuality is not the sum of their relationship, instead it is part of the larger picture of their union. Furthermore sex within marriage frees people from the guilt, shame, manipulation, and potential embarrassment which plagues sexual relationships outside of marriage. Sexuality within marriage becomes a vehicle for unity, service, and the expression of shared love.

The Beauty of the Gospel and Marriage

I highly doubt Nancy Jo Sales intended to show the beauty of Christian marriage when she began interviewing twenty somethings about Tinder, dating, hookups. As she writes about manipulation, embarrassment, and selfishness of the hookup she demonstrates by contrast why Christian marriage provides the best context for human joy and flourishing. Christian marriage pictures the great love story between Jesus Christ and his church. Through faith in Jesus who died for us, the infinitely holy God sees redeemed sinners as a beautiful bride adorned for her wedding day. We bring him our sin, shame, and filth and in exchange he forgives us, adopts us, declares us righteous, and promises we will reign forever with Christ. Because of our overwhelming over the grace we have received, Christians love God and live our lives to bring him glory. As a husband loves his wife sacrificially, he points to the reality of the sacrificial love of Christ for his people and the wife points to our love for God as she loves and trusts the leadership of her husband.

Among the many things which saddened me in “Tinder and the Dawn of the Dating Apocalypse,” I was most struck by the cynicism of the young women Sales interviewed. Their words reveal they know they should be loved, cherished, and respected; but they have given up on this happening and settle for being flattered by a guy who drives them home the morning after or texts them the next day. It demonstrates how sin, rather than giving us the joy it promises, leaves us cynical, jaded, and used. The Gospel of Jesus Christ delivers what it promises. The God who created the world knows us more deeply than anyone in the world and loves us more deeply than anyone. He sees the ugliest depths of who we are and responds with faithful love and grace. In him we do find the hope and the joy for which we spent our whole lives searching.

Related Posts:
“Husbands, Be a Patient Listener”
“Husbands, Be Kind to Your Wives”

For Further Reading:
Finally Free by Heath Lambert
What Did You Expect? by Paul David Tripp