My Inner Flame was Restored by a Caring Human Voice

A volunteer at a crisis line restored my connection to the Divine that dwells within and flows through everything.

Last week I was once again reminded why it’s important for me to practice my anxiety coping skills daily. When a person learns a martial art, they do the moves over and over so the mind and body function together in one fluid motion. The person can react instinctively.

I was told by my social worker that I needed to keep up with my meditation and skills. When a person has a panic attack, you can’t think. If you can’t think, how can you remember what to do to help yourself calm down? The steps have to become routine.

“I am strong. I am strong. I’m not going to cry,” became my mantra as I drove the twenty miles home from my female wellness appointment. If only my anxiety medication I took in the parking lot would kick in faster. The nurse and nurse practitioner had both been wonderfully supportive as my body tensed and reacted to my childhood rapes. But now that I was alone, I was terrified.

At home I noticed my husband was asleep so I tip toed into the bathroom. I had to take a hot shower and wash myself clean of the memories and the feeling of the man who had violated me. I hoped the water would drown out my soft cries and wash my tears but as I unlocked the pain I still carry I sobbed loudly. Mike came to the door asking if I was okay. I was crying to hard to answer. He stuck his hand through the curtain and I grabbed it for support. “Yes, I will. I just need some time.”

After, I did everything I could to ignore my fear and the images such as reading or watching shows. Everything but reorienting myself to the present moment and doing my meditations. Three hours after my appointment I was curled up on the couch with my arms around a pillow so I wouldn’t claw at my skin. Something I had done before. It’s an illogical way of letting deep rooted pain out.

I wasn’t going to let that happen again so I sat down in the hall and called the crisis hotline. A woman with a pleasant voice answered and assured me I wasn’t alone. Between sobs, I told her that I was having flash backs. She let out a deep sigh which sounded like a sisterly hug, one filled with warmth and understanding. Somehow without words she had let me know she cared and what had happened was terrible but I was safe. She gently led me through deep breathing which now I understand was so I could hear her and she could hear me better.

I had called a crisis line before so she didn’t need to ask the typical beginning questions I said, “My husband’s here and I’m safe. I had wanted to hurt myself so I called you. I’m not suicidal.”

She explained that we would do some exercises to help return me to the present. Her is is for you to use. I’ve since used it before I got into a stressful situation to calm my nerves and I kept a sense of peace.

Exercise #1

This exercise can be done with your eyes open or closed. Sit up comfortably so you can easily reach your knees.

Start by taking five calming deep breaths.

Put your first two fingers together.

As you inhale gently tap the area just above your eyebrows slowly three times. Exhale to the count of three.

Inhale and gently tap the area just below your eyes. Exhale to the same rhythm.

Inhale and with just one hand this time, tap gently the area bellow your lip, along your chin. Exhale to the same rhythm.

This time feel the round ends of your collar bone at your neck. You’ll tap these two points harder as you inhale to the count of three. Breathe out to the count of three.

Do the same with your knees.

Repeat two more times.

I was working with some meridian points used in Chinese Medicine.

Exercise #2

Look up where the corner of the room meets the ceiling. Look left then right. Look left then right again. Look up then down. Do that again. (I know from past explanations that this stimulates the visual centers and helps keep a person focused on the present.)

As you take relaxing deep breaths, imagine yourself in your favorite place.

Now image that in the center of your chest, at your heart chakra, there is a golden egg. Inside this egg there is a warm flame. This flame is your spark of life. As you breathe, visualize the egg and flame growing brighter and stronger.

Rays move up and out the top of your head. They flow down your legs and into the earth. Growing warmer and stronger, filling you with a beautiful sense of life and strength.

This egg, this personal power, can’t be harmed or taken from you. It is you and it is protected. It also protects you.

At this point I added imagery from a tree meditation I had used for many years. I imagined growing roots into the earth, and branches high above my head. I took in the energy of the Universe and let it flow gently through my soul and body. I shared the image with her and she said it was beautiful. When we spoke our words were hushed in reverence for this state of bliss we had created. Though we couldn’t see each other, we could feel Divine essence flowing around us and through us. I don’t know if she did, but I also felt the Goddess Gaia, my patroness.

My soul was restored.

Though I thanked that volunteer before I ended the call, I won’t be able to thank her enough for restoring my Faith in the human spirit.

This experience with the egg meditation made me think of one of my favorite songs.

Wolfmother official music video for Cosmic Egg

Lyrics:
Walking through the gallery of light
Say hello to all those wayward eyes
Light up and cast your fears away
Look into what you’ve learned
How does it feel to have yearned?
The gift that she gave was given to be given away
Tell me all of your good reasons
Tell me every word you say
I’ve given you all of the seasons
Running through the night and day
I’m going out of my mind since I’ve seen you
Tell me how I got to live this way
I take a look around this town
People get up but they don’t get down
Standing on the edge of nowhere
Tell me all of your good reasons
Tell me every word you say
I’ve given you all of the seasons
Running through the night and day
I’m going out of my mind since I’ve seen you
Tell me how I got to live this way