How to Make An Adult Baptism Stylish – Watch and Learn (or laugh) From This 2 Minutes of Heaven

So the “Big Rich Texas” clip opens with the line, “I am going to show you how to make an adult baptism stylish,” so you just know it’s going to be hilarious. The first thing you gotta ask yourself is, “Why am I listening to this woman teach me how to properly baptize someone?” A questions immediately followed by another, more existential question: “Do we really want to make a baptism stylish?”

You can dismiss that as silliness, but the next line really gets me. “It really is appropriate to have a baptism anywhere. I mean you can have it in a beautiful lake. You can actually have it in a church [tone of surprise], I mean sometimes that’s more traditional. But I prefer a beautiful swimming pool. It’s a little bit more controlled, and it’s a little bit cleaner.” This brings up some theological questions for me. Why not an ugly lake, or just an average lake? How about a pond? What about temperature and depth? I’m so confused…

Next we talk outfits. How did I not know when I was baptized that I needed an after outfit? Does my baptism still count if I just put my regular old clothes back on? And there was no cake. I feel cheated. What are the rules on getting re-baptized?

Since it is “Big Rich Texas,” when they released the doves, did anyone else expect to hear a shot gun blast, see feather’s fly, and one dove biting the dust? Either way, I think it’s safe to say that nothing honors the death and resurrection of Jesus like an expensive soirée at a Texas McMansion complete with a thousand dollar cake and the release of three doves. I think it’s just how John the Baptists would have envisioned it. Watch and learn…