Matt is distracting me by looking at the Fail Blog and laughing too loudly for me to think. The children are quietly fighting over Lincoln Logs in the background and coming in every few minutes to tattle.
Romulus: Alouicious Coffeeeeeeed me!!!!! (And no, Romulous can’t say the word Alouicious, just like I can’t spell it. AND if you come over and tell them that its ‘copy’ not ‘coffee’ I’ll be so unhappy with you.)
Me: I’m sorry to hear that. Are you ok?
Romulus: Yeah. But I’m gonna be a knight.
Me: Ok.
Two minutes later
Gladys: ROMULUS AGH lalalla (the intonation of a tattle is perfect)
Me: I’m sorry to hear that. Are you ok?
Gladys: Yeah.
Two minutes later
Alouicious: Romulus is hitting Gladys on the head.
Me: I’m sorry to hear that. What did she do to deserve it?
Alouicious: She bit him.
That’s right, we have a biter.
And, we have another lost tooth. That makes three. Three perfect funny little holes in the bottom of Elphine’s mouth, three dollars scrounged around for at 4 in the morning because I forgot the night before, three times of Matt and I creeping into her room trying to find the blinking tooth. This time she woke up and sat straight up in her bed.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Checking on Gladys, go back to sleep.’
‘Why are you touching my pillow?’
‘I didn’t touch your pillow. Go back to sleep.’
We stumble out, Matt and I, cursing each other under our breaths.
‘Why did you lie!!!!’ He hissed.
‘I thought lying was our standard operating procedure concerning the Tooth Fairy. The Whole Thing is a Wretched Lie! Why didn’t you do it? You know I can’t think on my feet. Its 4AM!!! (Did I mention that I was woken by Matt out of a dream that turned out to be……That’s right, the Gummy Bear Song. Please don’t google it. Its lude and catchy–a horrible green gummy bear in yellow underwear dancing an inappropriate dance and singing ‘Oh I’m a gummy bear, yes I’m a gummy bear, I’m a gummy yummy gummy yummy bear’. THAT is what lies in my deep unconscious. How thoroughly disappointing.)
‘I’m just saying,’ said Matt, ‘You could have said, I was checking to see if the Tooth Fairy had come.’
‘Well, that would have made sense wouldn’t it have.’ I stumbled back to bed and woke two hours later to the gentle sound of Susan Russel and Kendall Harmon battling it out on Minnesota Public Radio or something. As far as I can tell, the tooth is still in there, but my child only noticed the money. So now I only have to creep in when she isn’t looking and remove it. That should be easy. I’m sure I won’t foul that up.
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