Sure, Let’s Ditch Masculinity

This Guardian piece was all over Facebook last week, and being a dutiful participant in social media, I read it. And then, because it was so weird, I read it again. Actually I think I read it, like, four or five times, trying to understand what the author, who appears to be some kind of man, was saying. It seems at first glance to be a joke, but as you labor through the prose, it becomes vaguely clear that he means to be serious.

Manhood isn’t a problem, he says, it is The problem. Moreover, the definition of manhood is violence. Here the author quotes somebody or other, “‘Violence is often the single most evident marker of manhood,’ sociologist Michael Kimmel wrote in his 1994 essay Masculinity as Homophobia. ‘It is the willingness to fight, the desire to fight.'”

Also a big problem, a Big Big problem: manspreading. He writes, talking about men still, “They are more likely to show anger in the workplace and be rewarded for it while women are affected negatively for the same behaviors. They even take up too much space on public transportation when ‘manspreading’. I could keep going.” See, he could keep going. Men are more likely to be angry, And, and and and they Manspread. See, men are super evil. They can’t even be around other people and it’s so awful that none of us can even cope any more.

Let’s see, what else is there wrong with men? Oh yes, they don’t know enough about women. Here he cites the findings of an important Social Scientist, “He asked a group of men to name important women in history, which they did, but when pressed on what those women did, the men really couldn’t respond. This lack of actually knowing women’s lives led Powell to the conclusion that if these men couldn’t connect or care to intimately know about women’s lives, they weren’t able to respect them enough not to perpetrate violence against their bodies.”

As you can see, there is more than enough evidence here to understand that men are evil and their masculinity is evil and nothing can be done about it except to make them get rid of what makes them essentially who they are. That would be their masculinity. Needs to go. Can’t have it any more. It’s too dangerous. He concludes, after building his impressive and thorough case, “So we may need to just rebuild everything with the whole concept of manhood excluded.”

I know I’m totally convinced. I’m going to rethink my entire parenting worldview and instead of rejoicing in my young sons desire to battle against their enemies (such as they are at this stage, so far the biggest enemy is Darth Maul, I’m sorry, I don’t know how to spell it), I’m going to chuck that and crush their nasty egos under my expensive but comfortable Naot red heel. Because, you know what, since they are definitely going to be ruining some pure as the wind driven snow female down the line, I might as well completely emasculate them now….said No Mother Ever.

Except that, I guess maybe some mothers are saying this. I don’t know. Who is this author’s mother? And, equally important, where was his father?

I don’t want to descend into preachy politically incorrect recriminations against women who, let the record show–and I would love to provide a link here but I can’t so in just going to list some pretty ugly names: Margaret Sanger, Cecile Richards, Jezebel, Herodias–can be just as awful and blood thirsty as men…..oh, who am I kidding, I totally want to. Men don’t have a monopoly on evil. Women are just as bad but you don’t hear anyone suggesting that women give up their femininity in order to solve the problems of humanity. They, see, aren’t part of the problem.

Oh wait, color me embarrassed. Femininity is Totally Under Assault. Women aren’t supposed to be women either. They’re supposed to take over being the mean bad men, slinging all their anger around in the work place. But, see, when a woman is angry it’s good. When a man is angry it’s bad.

Anyway, the most beautiful picture of pure womanhood we have today is….wait for it…..Caitlyn Jenner. Am I right? AmIright? Look at her, she’s gorgeous…..what? Oh, you mean, she’s still a man? You can tell that she’s not a woman? Shut up.

So, see, women, when they chuck what makes them women and act like men, that’s awesome. And men, when they chuck what makes them men and act like women, that’s even more awesome. And me, because I like masculine men, I’m the bigot. Just so long as we’re all clear.

Have a lovely day! I’m going to crush humanity under my heel.