A Dutiful Trump Listicle

If a person doesn’t feel like writing about Trump, or thinking about him first thing in the morning, is there any recourse? What’s a blogger to do? Seems like there’s some sort of unwritten law, hovering just above in the clouds, like some kind of force, a force awakening, that requires a total Internet freak out about Trump or else. If a blogger wakes up in the morning and wants to think or write about something else, the force quietly whines NO.

So here are twenty boring reasons I don’t want to blog about Trump, and having thus enumerated them, I hope from hence forth to write about the really important stuff, like luncheon, and color coding my pencils, and Rachel Held Evans. Talk about a threat, phew.

1. I don’t feel like freaking out about Trump because we still have a year left of Obama.
2. Seriously, every time Trump says something incendiary about Muslims, his poll numbers go up. I understand that’s because all Americans are evil, but hmmm, maybe there’s a reason vast swaths of people are freaking out …..hmmmmmm….no, I guess not, guess everyone is just really really stupid.
3. I don’t feel like talking about Trump today, because if he wins, I’ll have to talk about him for four years and I better reserve my already minimal energies.
4. Trump isn’t a Christian. I mean, I know he says he is, but, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say not so much. So, I don’t expect him to act like one. And also, there’s not much there to parse theologically.
5. I don’t think he’s a Muslim either. I mean, just from the stuff he’s said over the last few days, religion of all kinds is clearly totally and firmly within his rhetorical grasp.
6. He does love him some money, though. Lots and lots of money. Gosh, I wish I could have just a couple of handfuls of his money.
7. Trump is at least as coherent as any modern liberal. Everyone should be happy. He’s probably the spirit of our age.
8. If he had different hair, and took a naked selfie, and came out as transgender, he could say whatever he wanted about Islam, probably.
9. And hey! I hear he’s definitely pro-life now, so yay.
10. On that subject, I’m sorry, but the whole idea that saying and doing ugly things is “un-American” is precious. Killing innocent people is what we do. Not caring that we do it is who we are. Lying about what counts as murder is our usual way. But suddenly it’s “un-American” to say stuff about Islam.
11. So which is it? Transgenderism of Islam? Which is the bestest thing ever? We should pick one because they can’t both go together.
12. I mean, I guess maybe they can go together. Maybe Trump can jumble together all the cultural incoherence in his words, which flow out so easily, like a stream, forever flowing forth.
13. I do get points, don’t I, for lightly bashing Trump? I mean, this isn’t turning out to be a pointless exercise, is it? Oh my gosh, I would hate to have wasted my time this morning.
14. Trump has his own airplane so it will save the country money when we elect him.
15. Maybe Trump and Bernie Sanders could run on the same ticket. Then the whole country would be united and Hillary would never have to be president.
16. Trump has had his own TV show. He’s practically already a god. Anyone who has had their own TV program should automatically get to be in public office. It stands to reason.
17. Now I’m just spinning. But see, all the things are about Trump! Trump. Trump. Trump.
18. Someday, we’ll look back on this election and remember the good old times. Just like when I look back at the 90s and miss its calm, stable, rational political culture. I know there’s no direct line from Bill Clinton to Barack Obama to Donald Trump….oh wait, maybe all actions do have consequences.
19. Let’s all join in and say a bunch of stuff about Islam. Whatever just pops into our heads. Doesn’t matter if it makes sense. Just call Huffpo and start wailing and they’ll probably put it up.
20. There, that’s 20. Have I earned the right to talk about something else tomorrow? Please please please tell me I don’t have to do this again for at least another week. Amen. Come Lord Jesus.