Lent, as you may know, is well nigh upon us, practically down our throats if you want to get all panicky about it. We’ve been chatting with the children over Luncheon about what everybody might like to do or give up through the long slog between next Wednesday and Easter. It’s a fun conversation piece.
I say fun because an uproariously good time can be had by thinking up not what you yourself should give up or take on, but by thinking about the person next to you. In a solemn consideration of a holy lent I am, for example, able almost immediately to see what the children ought to do.
“I think you should all give up all your screens” I announced cheerily, watching them reel back in horror.
“Why,” said Matt, “is that their big source of sin?”
“No,” I said, “it’s just making them into dumb bricks .”
“We’re not dumb!” They all shouted as with one voice.
“I think you should give up your Chat,” said Matt.
“Well, I think you should give up Facebook,” I spat back.
Give up my Chat. Not on your life buddy.
Where was I?
Oh yes! A holy lent! So, as you can see, it’s very hard to figure out what to give up. I’ll probably be confining myself to chocolate Yet Again, mainly because I don’t really like chocolate, and maybe I’ll tack on something like, I don’t know, Not Being Perfect.
But it’s not just me and my household that likes to think of Other People in their considerations of sanctimony. Here is a delightful piece about why you should give up plastic for Lent, you sinner, because Mother Earth is Dying. I’ll just pull out the best bits, shall I?
“During Lent, a season observed during the six weeks before Easter, many Christians make a commitment to give up certain luxuries as a form of penitence. But would people really recognize plastics as a form of luxury? Or would it be better to just let people make their own choices?”
Oh the humanity! Well, of course it’s not better to let people make their own choices! People always choose wrong, see? Individual Lenten Observance should be mandated by the church, and, wait! Let’s add the state too! And, as we all know, the greatest sins in the world are where the individual fails in his responsibilities to the collective. Sin has Nothing Whatsoever to do with the interior attitudes of the heart.
See, you may not think that you’re sinning (stop it autocorrect! I do not mean winning!) by using plastic. You may think you’re just drinking some water to keep yourself from dying, or buying some food from the store to keep your children alive, but you’re wrong. You Are Sinning. You must stop it. You must go out and buy those gross reusable germ breeding reusable bags and then, when you forget to take them to the store, you must buy more of them until your house is filled with reusable bags.
Now, see, I actually have this covered. I am a very holy person, as you all know, and I don’t shop where they even have plastic bags. I shop at Aldi and I do this remarkable thing where I just put the stuff in my cart and then I wheel the cart out to the car and then I put the stuff in the car and then I drive home and I have my six children hand carry all the stuff in from the car. Thank goodness I have so many kids.
Here’s another brilliant and not awkward at all suggestion for getting evil plastic out of your sinful life. She writes,
“Uneaten food from restaurants can be taken home in a container you’ve brought along for just that purpose.”
It’s the perfect restaurant moment! There you are, with your capacious purse filled to the brim with reusable take home containers, your eyes aflame with righteousness, abstaining from wine because only bad people drink wine and you forgot to take your special little pill and so if you drink you might get pregnant, even though you’re not with a man, you’re actually out with all your girl friends (you still have friends because you haven’t yet told them how evil and sinful they all are) but you don’t drink because You Never Know What Could Happen. You eat half of your gorgeous organic gluten free, soy free, lactose free, sin free ravioli and then the moment comes! The waiter arrives at your elbow to ask if you’d like to keep eating like a sinful glutton or if you’d like to take it home with you? And you! You’re ready! You say, “I have my own container that I have brought For Such A Time As This!” And then you pull it out out of your enormous bag and smile at everyone.
And see! In so doing, the earth can heal. It’s not awkward or weird At All. As you ladle your ravioli in you can enjoy the downcast expressions of your friends who are going home with their dinners in styrofoam. Blech. Most importantly, though, as we all join hands and stop using plastic, religion itself can just fade away. She writes,
“You might be reading this and thinking, ‘But I don’t observe Lent.’ What I would say to you is, why not consider starting this initiative anyway? While I’m a Lutheran-turned Episcopalian, my husband is Jewish. One of our sons and his family are Mormon. Another son and his family are Muslim. My daughter is an atheist with a lapsed Catholic husband. Together, they’ve all bought into living with less plastic. Can we count you ‘in’?”
Oh yeah baby! Count me in! This way I can keep my chocolate and my self righteousness. Gosh I love lent. I love being a good person. This is going to be Yuge!….oh wait, wrong heresy.
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