14 Ways to Spice Up Your Boring Relationship

I’m busy today trying to catch up with real life so it’s time for something low hanging on the Internet. And what better place to go than to Huffpo for relationship advice.

In a year that finds the economy tanking, racism and violence on the rise, Boko Haram destroying the lives of women everywhere, Donald Trump the meme that memes all other memes, and the landscape littered with mansplaining, gunsplaining, popesplaining, and my own invention, dumbsplaining, you know what would be great, More Expensive Bucket Lists.

Here’s the set up.
“You’ve had this same conversation many times, haven’t you? It might be about a restaurant, a movie, or your next vacation. Sometimes couples find it hard to come up with new ideas. Despite all of the choices that surround us we tend to fall back on the same ones time and again. How about that cabin on the coast we go to every summer, the cafe where they serve that great salad, the movie that the neighbors recommended…?”

Ok, so there you are, in your comfortably taupe apartment, color coded books, beard and glasses in place, fridge stocked with Whole Foods deliciousness. You lie back, look deeply into each other’s eyes….and…are bored. Um. I have some recommendations for curing boredom, but what does our clever author have to suggest?

“Here’s an idea for 2016: why not shake things up and do something entirely out of character for you two? Something to startle your friends, amaze your children, and bring you closer together as a couple…”

Oh, well, I was going to say try reading more so you have something to talk about, or try going to church so you have something to be angry about, or try not thinking about yourself for every single second of every single day. Ok, so, not any of those things, what does our author think could startle and amaze?

“Have Dinner Up in the Eiffel Tower”
Um
“Attend a Masked Ball in Venice”
Um
“Learn to Cook in Another Language”
I’m going to go ahead and say the mention of children up there was some kind of joke. Which brings us to
“Get Silly at Clown School”
Ok, I can see now that we’re not being serious.
If we were–being serious that is–the next one
“Live in a Castle”
indicates a level of unreal, and therefore I would say funny, privilege of some kind. What is that called? Rich privilege? White privilege? Credit Card Privilege? Having the privilege of royalty? Please, go read the article because it would be unkind of you not to. He deserves your clicks. While you’re doing that I will inquire of my spirit, “Who are the regular readers of the Huffington Post? Upon what planet do we all dwell?”

All kidding aside, let me suggest some real help for relationship boredom, in the form of a Listicle (don’t frown! I have stuff to do!)
1. Become a Christian
2. Don’t live with anyone before you get married
3. Get Married
4. Have Children–lots, and, if you can’t have them in the usual way, adopt some. Believe me, the heartbreak of marriage and children will cure you of any possible boredom you can dream of. You will long to lie back, gaze into each other’s eyes, and Not Do Anything. Masquerade Ball Forsooth.
5. Once you have children, homeschool them….Gah
6. Go to Church and Get To Know The People Who Also Are There
7. Pray for Nigeria and Donald Trump
8. Cook for people who are unable to cook for themselves, in any kind of language
9. Don’t go to Clown School–Oh My Word–read the bible carefully and become wise
10. Rearrange Your Furniture
11. Clean Someone Else’s House
12. Ask the person you’re with questions about xerself, it might be sort of interesting.
13. Did I already say Read A Book?
14. Maybe take some of the money that would finance the Eiffel Tower Supper and just give it away, and if you film yourself while you do it, you might go viral on YouTube and then you could spend all your free time checking your stats.

What I’m trying to say, in this only partially ridiculous list, is that if you conceive of yourself as the center of the universe, you will need to take expensive and self indulgent trips because otherwise you will probably become bored and depressed. But if you put your soul into the hands of Jesus, and die to yourself, and constantly work to set your own ego aside and live for the sake of another, not only will you not need the expensive clown tuition, you might also stay married, and your children might not grow up to hate you. I don’t know, it’s worth a try.

There. Hopefully I’ve solved all your problems. Have a lovely day.