Well, here we are, Election Day 2016. After months and months of waiting, we finally get to pick our lesser evil and then sit around hoping for a miracle. As in, maybe Ronald Reagan and FDR will swoop down on a cloud of glory and restore all things to sanity. Or we’ll watch just the results and then collapse into bed in the usual way.
I have, after much gnawing consideration, decided not to vote. This is mainly because I didn’t go change my address and get signed in to my new polling place. I decided quite some time ago to self sabotage. As the primary field narrowed and Trump finally became the nominee, I suddenly found myself too busy to either get online or pop over to the dmv. Sure, I could go file an affidavit or whatever, but I’m going to be more busy today than I have been in like twenty-five months. There is No Way I will be able to find a single moment to pop over and beclown myself by being involved in this political process.
Here are twenty things I’ll be doing today instead of voting.
1. I’ll be eating a butter laden biscuit for breakfast and drinking a fifth cup of tea.
2. I’ll be baking up a Funeral Fish Pie out of mourning for our republic.
3. I’ll be taking my son to the doctor to make sure he really just fainted and nothing more is wrong.
4. I’ll be going to a bible study on Ecclesiastes where I’ll be reminded that everything is vanity.
5. I’ll be sitting and listening to my two little girls try to read and I’ll be slowly losing my sanity as they can’t remember sounds like M and B.
6. I’ll be doing math with all six kids. And then lying on the floor gently sobbing and weeping because I myself so much hate math.
7. I’ll be reading aloud about Ancient Greece, the Conversion of the Barbarians, the New Kingdom in Egypt, and the Discovery of Mold.
8. I’ll also read some chapters of the Princess and Curdie.
9. I will do ten loads of laundry.
10. I will scrub out two foul kitty boxes and curse the cats under my breath.
11. I will take a long walk with Elphine.
12. I will stand in my laundry room waiting for my audible credit to appear and be frustrated and angry that it hasn’t yet appeared.
13. As soon as it appears I will download Love Over Scotland and listen to it while I fold ten loads of laundry.
14. I will get online and spend some minutes becoming familiar with the Live Blog platform for the evening.
15. I will wrap bacon around little sweat peppers filled with cream cheese and then gently fry them and then I will stand and eat them in the kitchen instead of carrying them in to be eaten by others.
16. I will write four or five emails and despair over the pile of paper on my desk.
17. I will stand around waiving my arms at Matt complaining about the stupidity of our entire political system.
18. I will finally sit on the couch and try to watch coverage of the election returns and be angry that we keep falling off line so that I can’t update my live blog.
19. I will feel really sad as I watch one of these two human people win.
20. I will finally stagger up to bed and try to go to sleep by reading comics on the Internet.
But one thing I will not do, and that will be to regret not voting. I don’t ever want to look back and have to remember filling in a little black dot for Hillary, whose disregard for lives of others has imperiled the security of this entire land, nor for Trump whose manner of life is beyond anything I can imagine. Either way this is a black day and one for weeping, mourning, and repenting before a just and holy God. May God have mercy on our collective soul.
So, have a lovely day! And don’t forget to check back in around 6pm tonight when I’ll be saying all the things. Why so early, you ask? Because I’ll probably be dead asleep by nine. I’ll be like a warm up show before the real business of the evening takes off. Here’s the link. Pip pip.
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