7 Frenzied Takes

One
One of my favorite ways to read the Bible is to wake up way too early, freak out about everything, turn on the audio bible, lie there freaking out, and then like thirty seconds later completely conk out because it’s so soothing. The only problem with this is the weird dreams. Instead of being yourself you discover you’re Abimelech feeling totally put out because it’s apparently Your fault even though Abraham was the one who lied to you.

Also, ever notice how Sarah is barren, but then God strikes all the women of Abimelech’s household with barrenness, and I’m pretty sure that’s the single one time that Sarah is Not barren, because it’s after the three angels come to visit them, but also before Isaac is born. #weird

Also, fun fact, slept through almost the whole book of Genesis and woke up just in time to hear about the defiling of Dinah. Looked over the expanse of my bed and discovered it was covered in children. Fumbled for the off button before anyone could begin asking questions. That’s not really the conversation I’m up to having today.

Two
Have been thinking about the whole genre of the devotional, what with having written one and all, but also because I keep stumbling across things like this. You won’t be surprise to hear that this kind of thing sets all my red flags flapping wildly in the wind. But I don’t want to be a jerk, I want, for the most part, to assume the best about almost everything (that’s kind a joke).

So, has anyone signed up for it? And is it any good? Someone, please, prove me wrong in my pessimism.

Three
Elphine saved up enough money to buy herself an expensive electronic gadget. This, of course, has thrown the household into confusion. Every other single child has been crying and complaining that it’s Not Fair, that she gets to earn money and they don’t, that God doesn’t love them, that we don’t love them, that if we did love them we would just go out and buy that same item and not be so chintzy.

Well, I shouldn’t say Every child, just the second one. The little girls are more inspired to try to save. They’ve been lugging around their purses looking for cash wherever they can find it, sometimes even in My purse (Theft is Not Cool). So anyway, the highlight of the week has been the announcement, by Egglantine, that she not only is in possession of 23$, but that she has been, and I quote, “Slaving Up.” The brilliance of this new expression is beyond anything I could have ever hoped or dreamed of.

Four
Later, when I was screaming with fury over someone writing with blue crayon on my beautiful chair, this being why we can never have nice things, and all the children were standing around with bemused indulgent looks on their jerk faces, Marigold asked what would happen if anyone spilled a drink on her father’s chair. To which Egglantine replied, “Well, you couldn’t blame it on God because he died.”
Well, shoot. There goes weeks of religious instruction, down the drain.

Still later, when I was collapsed back in my crayoned chair, I told Marigold to go find Elphine and get her to make some tea. Marigold wandered languidly out of the room and called out to the universe, in her essential spirit which is Passive Aggressive, “Who will put water in the tea kettle? Will anyone? Elphine, will you?” In the distance I heard the usual call, “No.”

Five
I think I must have some new readers because my stats have been awfully wonderful lately, unless it’s just the same ones clicking refresh in a frenzied and wild way. But if there are new readers, I feel it might be nice to explain, once more, that the Names I call my children on this blog are not their real names. I am super regretful that I didn’t call them these names, but, like puppies, they seem to be averse to being called anything but what I usually call them. Anyway, for the purposes of the blog, I have

Elphine who is 14
Alouicious, 12 for the moment, but almost 13
Romulus, 10
Gladys, 9
Marigold, 7
And Egglantine, almost 6
Actually, Marigold is the only one I feel really regretful about. I keep asking her if I couldn’t call her that all the time but she always says no. If you want to know whence derive these names you would have to watch Cold Comfort Farm, and then read Brideshead Revisited, The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, some history about Rome, and Magic for Marigold. The last one, Egglantine, is because, well, she’s kind of a bully and it’s the name I keep calling her, even when I try to call her something else.

Six
I’m going to treat myself to something by Kyra, this week, or soon. I, of course, don’t believe in the treating end of self care, except just this once. Anyway, Kyra, famous for chain mail jewelry, has come into the way of having cool watch parts and is making jewelry out of them. One reason I haven’t bought anything is because every day she makes something so cool I am stuck between two opinions, or five or six. Also, let me remind you that it’s almost Valentine’s Day, and so you should get your orders in now, because she’s very busy, and you wouldn’t want to miss out.

Seven
And so, finally, I guess I shall arise and go face another school day. Boy, starting back school after a nice comfortable Christmas is really uncool, and it’s not even February yet. Hopefully next week will be like sitting around eating candy…except, that sounds disgusting, so maybe not. Anyway, pip pip. Go read more and better takes.