[JESUS, take Jesus with you on your beach vacation.]
Besides it being the beginning of wedding season, it’s also that time when you look over the vast array of empty summer days and try to figure out what kinds of super fun things you’re going to do with them, besides just working, which is what you always do. In other words, Vacation–are you going to have one? Will you go somewhere? And, if you do go, what will you take with you?
I decided I needed a little help as I considered this important matter, and where better to go than goop, which always has all the answers. Whether you’re trying decide whether to light all your money on fire for items like 10,000$ body glitter or to spend some of it on food for your children, Goop is always there with all the pertinent info you need to know.
So, helpfully, right there on the main page, were 12 things you need, NEED for your summer trip away. I’m just going to list them real quick and then offer my own alternative list. The twelve things you need, NEED for this summer are, in order
A Brightly Colored Bikini (Hahahahahahaha)
The Perfect One Piece (obviously, because you can definitely get the perfect one piece. It is possible to do that. You just need to go to like a store or like the internet and just pick anything out because it will fit, it will, and when you’re wearing it, its perfection will keep you from wanting to die. It’s going to be great. Just go out and get it, that perfect one piece, go on. Why are you crying?)
The Day to Night Cover Up (why are these all ruffly? Is that a real thing? After a century of fighting for women’s rights and stuff do we really have to go back and wear the big open collar seventies ruffle? I am only five feet tall and I’ve given birth six times. These ‘day to night covers’–because, you know, I’m going to relax on the beach and then arise elegantly from the sand and put on my fluffy cover and then go out for the evening, that’s something that people like me do–are going to look stupid on me.)
The Circular Bag…or Beach Towel (this is seriously a steal. You will not be able to live without these. The bag, which is a great and useful shape, a perfect circle being perfect for putting all your perfectly round items and your perfect one piece in, is only 275$ and the towel, again, so so useful because it’s actually the shape of some of us humans, a perfect circle, is literally only 110$. Goop writes, ‘A circular bag is reminiscent of vintage luggage, but well-sized for a beach day, while this round beach towel is big enough for sharing.’ So perfect.)
The Hands Free Slides (this is a kind of shoe, a good kind actually, even if you can only get it for hundreds of dollars from the goop website, because your hands are going to be full with that circle bag and the massive circle Towel that probably cannot be folded in any useful way, while you’re hanging onto the arm of the screaming toddler, trying to keep the baby from eating the sand and then crying, trying to get the sunscreen out of the eyes of the child dumb enough to goop (get it, get it) all over the arm, rub the hand in it, and then rub the eyes…you’re definitely going to need shoes that just slip on.)
The Sun Hat (yeah, this isn’t stupid, this is a good idea. But the ‘hot pants bikini’ that you can buy in the sun hat section for a mere 294$ defies all reason and decency)
The Sun Screen (also not stupid, unless you are actually buying it from goop because you can get it cheaper literally everywhere else)
Pom-Pom Adorned Anything (I’ll just quote the website: ‘This season, it’s all about the pom-pom. We’ve spotted wearable takes on the trend on just about everything from bikinis, sandals, straw bags, and sun hats. A tip: Keep the rest of your outfit’s palette simple (black, white) to avoid things getting too costume-y.’ I mean, I think it speaks for itself. Pom-poms are fun, the beach is fun, children are fun, you are fun, life is fun, the circle Bag and Towel are fun, the ruffles are fun, everything is fun. There is no way that you could possibly look stupid with Pom-pom Everything. You should go for it. It’s a sign. It’s your destiny.)
Off Duty Uniform (I’m sorry, I don’t understand. What do you mean by ‘off duty?’ Is someone else going to be cooking, cleaning up the elegant beach bungalow, running the circular towel through the laundry at night so that it can be used again in the morning, waking up at 3am to see why one child is singing and another child is crying, trying to keep sand out of everything because everyone is crying all the time about the sand, running back out for milk because someone left it out when everyone trooped down to the beach and now there is no milk and that means that everyone starts crying again…what exactly do you mean by ‘off duty’)
Light Sunnies (this appears to be a cutesy name for what we used to call ‘sun glasses.’ The cutesy name gets you over the sticker price shock of spending Four Hundred and Twenty Dollars for a pair of non prescription sunglasses that ‘look good on a variety of faces.’ They sure as Sheol better.)
The Straw Tote (WAIT, what happened to the circle bag? Why do you need A Second Bag? Does everything not fit in the circle bag? I don’t understand! It had a vintage feel! It was Perfect! What gives goop? Do you think I can afford to buy Two bags? Do you expect me to lumber down to the beach in my perfect one piece lugging along a whole bevy of bags like a bag lady or even a normal person?)
The Perfect Read (if you are at the beach having spent your entire month’s budget on all this stuff you’re going to need a nice book, so you should buy mine because you are going to be a. Angry and b. Worn Out and c. Desperately needing Jesus)
Ok, here’s a real packing list for your beach trip: Take everything you own and shove it in your car, drive to the beach, take it all out of the car, exhaust yourself having a fun time, shove it all back in the car, go home, look back in a year and remember what a restful fun time you had and how perfect you looked in your perfect one piece. You’re welcome.