It’s So Crazy It Just Might Work

Is it only Wednesday? But fear not. Twitter was kind to me during the night and so I have quite a lot important news to consider this morning. To begin with there’s the righteously furious outrage over a Harvard professor suggesting that, if you have to eat French fries, it would be better for you to only eat six in one serving. This thoughtful advice provoked a lot of brilliant tweets. The best are always the simplest: I Don’t Need That Kind of Negativity In My Life Right Now.

Next there’s the scolding tweet of PETA wanting to change stupid and useless expressions, the provenance of which I am sure they are ignorant, like, ‘kill two birds with one stone’ into ‘feed two birds with one scone,’ because of brutality to animals. Never minding that English is full of interesting expressions that come from customs and beliefs that we have long forgotten, I’d like to know what that Harvard professor thinks about feeding scones to birds. I’m pretty sure it would be counted as cruel. Can birds eat carbs? Especially carbs lathered in sugar?

Look, I don’t care how we talk about it, as long as we can still eat it—a little bacon wrapped pigeon, for Christmas probably, with perhaps an accompanying plate of duck-fat fried potatoes…that sounds delicious, especially with a cup of tea and a scone a little bit later in the afternoon.

No, let us not tempt ourselves. Let us turn to more pressing matters. Looks like the whole world is going adopt the Billy Graham…I mean Pence…oh never mind…rule. To refresh your memory, that would mean, for you men, not being with women for any reason for fear of being accused of sexual misconduct. It’s the only way. It’s so dangerous out there, you’re bound to be accused of something, so let us return to the ancient way of total separation. Women can work in finance and stuff, but they will work over there, so that I cannot be accused of anything, so sayeth many a panicking masculine high financier.

Or, hem, you know, there is another way which the culture, though I did mention it a year ago to a resounding and deafening silence, could still consider. It is so strange and outrageous a proposition that it will never take off, but I just want to put it out there, just in case there’s anyone willing to try “anything.”

Ready? The way to restore rational good natured relationships between the sexes goes as follows:

First, stop watching porn.
I know, I mean, I get that this is never going to happen, but wouldn’t it be fantastic if it did?

Second, get married to one person and don’t have sex with that person before you marry her, and then after, don’t have sex with anyone else. What with how you won’t be watching porn, having sex with her will be pretty great. You’ll end up with a nice married time with each other.

Well, there you are. I know it’s crazy and so it will definitely not even be attempted, but that would be one way at least to restore sanity in the new #metoo world. If you get married and treat your wife like the human person that she is, and then don’t molest and proposition women who are not your wife, and don’t mistreat women who are not your wife by looking at them on a screen doing things you ought not be thinking about, women will probably not accuse you of stuff because they will be comfortably at home with their own husbands, who are not watching porn. It’ll take a while, because everyone is in such a roiling mess right now, but it just might work.

And now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to go rustle up some fried potato and eat it next to some kind of delicious dead animal.