Hard-Hitting Snow Commentary In 7 Takes

Hard-Hitting Snow Commentary In 7 Takes January 18, 2019

Well, it’s Friday, and it’s snowing, and fortunately for you, I didn’t have any free articles left at Wapo and so was unable to read the one about how snow camping is the new greatest thing, because believe me, if I could have read it, you would have never stopped hearing about it from now until the return of our dear Lord. Instead, let’s do some takes.

One
It is snowing tho—and will go on snowing through the weekend. Apparently we will get lots and lots of snow and everyone is freaking out. Some local news person admonished with wonder in her voice, as if she had just thought of this new and special information, “Time to get out the snow pants and all the snow gear.” I reeled back in amazement. I mean, and I am loath to mention this because it makes a lot of people unhappy, we live in the Northeast where it does in fact snow for much of the winter.

Two
The little girls are constantly having to copy that poem (because every copy book ever invented thinks it is some clever way to learn the months of the year) “January brings the snow, makes our feet and fingers glow. February brings the rain, thaws the frozen lakes again…” The sound it painfully out and then look up in confusion. You have to nod sagely and then patiently explain, again, why it is that some people believe that ‘rain’ and ‘again’ rhyme and then you have to embark on a long and bitter explanation about how in other parts of the world, the snow stops for some reason at the end of January and doesn’t go on steadily until the end of May.

Three
The real reason the snow is traumatizing is because it will arrive on a Sunday. If it was a Monday, that would be fantastic because the city and school district would make decisions about what kinds of institutions should close, and also the plows would hit the road nice and early and keep at it all day, because some people do have to go to work. But on Sunday, all that gets chucked out of the window. It’s up to the poor rubes considering going to church to look out of the window and then discover that their little streets haven’t been plowed and never will be plowed, not until Monday anyway, and so that if they had even thought of going out, they really can’t. Meanwhile, the rector trudges off to church anyway, because there are people within walking distance, and there are the people who don’t check their email and don’t have email, and so cancelling is just not that easy of a thought. Inevitably, someone will wander in anyway, even though there are fifteen feet of snow on the ground…well, maybe not 15, but practically.

Four
But maybe the governor will declare a state of emergency, because we’ve all become confused and think we live in Florida.

Five
But even if he does, there is still one person who will try to bash his way into the church building, because Good Shepherd people are kind of obnoxious like that.

Six
And I will be out in my big coat, shoveling, because…I don’t know how to say this without ruining my brand…I kind of don’t hate shoveling snow…I know. Please don’t tell anyone.

Seven
Well, there you are. It’s going to snow. A nation pauses in alarm and tries to pull itself together. You can expect other hard-hitting snow commentary here, where the weather will be considered without any namby-pamby, dewy-eyed, cocoa-drinking nonsense. Also, go read some real takes. Happy Friday!

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