A New And Special Twist On That Love Languages Thing

It seems like a pretty depressing day for news. Also my house is a horror, a horror. The sky has arrayed itself in one of its fifty gray hues. All the hashtag Wednesday motivations ring hollow. But all is not lost. I just discovered this and believe me, it’s a gem. It begins this way:

People receive love differently, so knowing your love language and communicating it can help you and your S.O. Get on the same page and also give your friendships a hearty dose of meaningfulness. And, guess what? It can also improve the most important relationship in your life—the one you have with yourself [emphasis mine, all the way].

This is so brilliant. I mean, you loving yourself must be the sure and certain path to happiness. There are clearly no problems with this and it’s going to be wonderful both for you and for all of humanity. So you should probably pause right now and remind yourself of what your love language is. You probably already know because you totally filled out that quiz in the 90s, or maybe the early 2000s. Mine is receiving very expensive presents, but if you can’t remember yours, take the quiz right there in the article and then come back.

Ok, what do we have. First up, Words of Affirmation. And just as an aside, I’m gonna need you to imagine me reading this whole article aloud, and then falling apart laughing.

Words of Affirmation were those nice things you could say to another person—instead of verbally cutting them to shreds—that would let them know how you really felt about them instead skulking around and making them guess. So, for example, instead of saying to your spouse, “You Always leave the toothpaste open like that and I hate you,” you could say, “Thank you so much for coming home from work today. You’re so great at what you do.” But that’s nothing compared with the important task of affirming yourself. That’s where true happiness lies. Of course, it doesn’t count unless you can use a word like ‘self-affirm’:

Practicing gratitude is also a way to self-affirm. For example, Marter acknowledges what she’s accomplished at the end of each day, whether that’s squeezing in a workout, cooking a nourishing meal, or taking the opportunity to say “no”—anything that reflects you taking good care of you. “It’s self-appreciation,” she says. “Honoring and paying respect to yourself for all the things that you do well.”

Stands to reason. Nobody else is going to honor you for the things you do really well. Especially if you actually do any of the things this little piece suggests, because you will be insufferable and oh my word, the end times are peaking through that morose gray sky.

Next up, Acts of Service…I think I’m going to choke, but lets keep at it.

For people with this love language, tasks like organizing your closet, making yourself a great meal, or cleaning out your junk drawer aren’t so much chores as they are ways you care for yourself.

No, I’m sorry, they’re still chores. Also it’s interesting to me that so many in the modern world have to stop and be reminded to do things like eat properly and do the basic things that life requires. It must be, as I’ve said before, the result of too many time saving technologies. We expect that food will just appear before us, or that the wash shouldn’t really need to be done. But it does. You have to eat food and sleep enough and get dressed etc. These shouldn’t be miseries that you rush through in order to get to the good stuff, they are just part of ordinary life, like every other kind of work. I guess if elevating them into some kind of Act O Love For My Precious Self makes them easier then whatever, but my gosh, civilization is crumbling to bits in the microwave.

Next up, Receiving Gifts. You better believe it.

And, a gift to yourself doesn’t have to be extravagant, Marter says. “I pick up heart shaped rocks when I noticed them on the beach. I have them in a garden in my yard or in places in my home,” she says. “That doesn’t cost anything but I’m gifting myself something that’s a reminder about self-love.”

‘Heart shaped rocks’ heh. Well, if you’re ‘gifting’ them that makes it perfectly alright. It’s important, in all of this, to absolutely keep yourself front and center and spend every moment checking your emotional temperature, inquiring of yourself if you are happy enough about everything. Don’t, for a second, let yourself off the hook and think about God or other people, that would be ridiculous and also very bad. You need to constantly remind yourself about ‘self-love’ because goodness, if you forget for a few seconds, and don’t even think about yourself at all, the whole fabric of the universe might fray and you’ll be sucked into that black hole that’s growing bigger all the time, faster than expected.

I know this is becoming tedious but we mustn’t give up now. That would be unloving and wrong. Next up we have Quality Time—with yourself of course.

“Quality time with yourself might be a period of solitude or self-reflection or time for your self-care practices,” Marter says, adding it’s also an A+ time to keep up with your hobbies. For instance, if you love going to dance-cardio classes, be sure fit that in your schedule.

Make sure not to pray during your quality time with yourself. Make sure to go to a horrible exercise class or just mediate longer on who you are and what you’re feeling. Don’t put yourself and all your mental insanity into the merciful care of Jesus and go on with your day, not worrying about it one way or another. Everything, and I mean Everything depends on you trundling down the broad smooth road of self-reflection and self-consideration. Until you know yourself, you won’t be happy. And all you need to know yourself is more time with yourself.

Ok, last one, Physical Touch:

“It’s about being gentle and kind with your body,” Marter says, meaning things like stretching, exercise, putting on an outfit you love, or getting comfy with a throw blanket while you watch Netflix also fit the bill.

Oh, well, if it’s just Netflix and Chill then that’s fine. Just keep me away from the cardio dance. And remember,

Applying your love language to yourself might make feeling the love easier, but it shouldn’t be your one-stop shop for boosting your happiness. It’s good to be well-rounded, and to practice self-love in many different ways—because you deserve it.

And by the end you’ll also be completely alone. Honestly, if you are looking for happiness, the best thing in the world is to stop thinking about yourself all the wretched time and spend a few minutes fixing your depressed and disappointed eyes on Jesus, who will help you turn out from yourself towards him and also Other People. I know, I say it every time, but there’s another one of these out there every morning. Remember that funny trite little Sunday school thing?
J esus
O theres
Y ou
Spells JOY, get it? Get it? Oh never mind.