If Only I Could Have Been A Life Coach

Apparently I have missed miles of relevant Twitter threads about the Oscars over the last few days. Will Smith hit Chris Rock, some people stood on stage and said “gay” over and over as a way of sticking it to the governor of Florida, only half the people who watched last year bothered to tune in this year, and Amy Schumer said something mean about Kirstin Dunst. All this, of course, is very consequential and I do want to offer my formal apology for not dropping everything to cobble together my important analysis. I’ve been distracted by the bright S. Carolina weather and thinking about other things. But I’m going home now to the snowy north, so I might as well do my duty and devise some lukewarm take–or takes. I will number my Important Opinions TM.

1. Jada Pinkett-Smith is extremely beautiful and I’m very sorry about her condition. That must be rough. I have been filled with angst and frustration as my own hair has gone from being dark and straight to being curled, frizzy, and gray and have had a steep learning curve to deal with it. My heart goes out to Jada in this difficult time.
2. Still, though, I’m against “open” marriage as a thing. Many people have suggested that Pinkett-Smith unnecessarily humiliated Will Smith (who is technically still married to her) by telling him all about her affairs live on Red Table Talk or whatever it’s called. Why does that matter? Because people can pretend that there are no consequences for throwing over the proper order of relationships (monogamy in marriage for example) but when they do that, they really are only pretending, or lying if you will, and a lot of drama and sorrow is required to keep up the story. The emotion is all there, but it is misplaced. Dishonor abounds, but no one can remember what they are supposed to be upset about. So that is depressing.
3. Truly, I do love all the “silence is violence” jokes going on. I guess violence is violence now? But also words are violence. And silence is still violence. It’s a miracle any of us are still alive with all this violence.
4. And finally, I am weighing in, particularly because I noticed a lot of people online saying that anyone who did not share the ethnicity or skin color of the people involved ought to sit the fight out, and that, frankly, is the most racist take ever. Either Will and Jada are part of the human family who have put themselves in the limelight and held themselves out as celebrities for all people in the world to watch their movies and their shows and read their quotes on Twitter or they haven’t. If they have, then all people everywhere and of every color can talk about it. Stop being so racist you Twitter Scolds.

Well, that’s it. I’ve said all I have to say. Except that I would dealy love to be a life coach to the rich and famous. The first thing I would do is take all their phones away and give them something to read. I must give the reading list some thought. It should be both doable, but also a little challenging. Then I would take away all the people who speak into their lives (besides me) and teach them the catechism and the Ten Commandments and the Lord’s Prayer. And I would make them all go to church on Sunday and sit around in the afternoon plying them with small cups of wine and asking them questions about themselves. And then on Monday morning, I would make them take some exercise and then do some useful work. Have to think about that as well. Basically, I would take away all the things that make them celebrities in the attempt to save their immortal souls. Maybe they could have heat and indoor plumbing, but that’s it. Clearly, they can’t cope with any higher level of technology. And none of them would be allowed to even date without first going through a long course on what it means to be human and who God is. And now, it seems, I have turned totalitarian, so I will stop. I guess they can go on with their lives as they see fit. But I don’t have to watch them do it. And now I have a flight to catch. Have a nice day!