Free Sex and the Infantilized Female

I just came across this gem in Salon and it’s too good to pass over without a gentle cutting apart and snickering bemusement.

The link will lead you to a cry of woe about how awful it is that so many women feel pressured to have children, even though they don’t want to, neither now nor at any point in the future. The author gathers the testimonies of articles I have seen elsewhere–the woman who spent four years convincing her doctors to sterilize her before she’d had a child, the mother who berated herself for trying to cheer up her own pregnant daughter who didn’t want to be in that situation, and one or two others. It’s all there.

As far as I can tell, the center piece of this pushback against the whole world–the world that is always telling women they should have children and that they will only be truly fulfilled when they do–is that having arrived at the place where a woman’s body is her choice, and nobody can mess with her no way no how, motherhood might suit some women, but it’s a lot of work and a pain, and so back off all ya’ll, leave us alone.

But not so alone that we won’t still be having a lot of sex with whoever we want.

This is the part that always gets me. I understand, intellectually at least, that sexual self expression is the highest cultural good and nothing must ever inhibit it or the individual will perish in unhappiness forever, but I don’t know how to reconcile that highest good with the creepy crawly language that all sex is the victimization of someone. There are so many contradictory elements, it’s hard for me to balance them all properly.

And not just me. Everyone. The poor doctor who is trying to help a young woman who, he must know, is not the possessor of all wisdom and all knowledge, understand that her choices now will have lasting consequences for her whole life, is trying to do his job. He doesn’t want to permanently sterilize a young person, because he understands that people change, sometimes. But he is the villain here.

Part of me wants to say to any woman who announces her childless virtue publicly, “Thank You”. It is sensible not to have children if you don’t want them. It would be even more sensible then, not wanting children, not to engage in the single act that is meant to bring children into the world. Celibacy is a really good way not to bring children into the world. And, just think, if you don’t want children, and you are kind of a mess, you are sparing other adults from being tangled up in all the insanity. *

Having children is hard. Letting someone else’s life surpass your own, putting your own desires and plans on the back burner so that another, a baby perhaps, can go free and clear into the world, alive and unharmed, is hard. Children are difficult and time consuming and bring occasional heartbreak. But the only way to save your life, in this world, is to lose it, and one way an ordinary person can practically lose her life, day by day, is to always be putting someone first, and children are excellent for that.

The author’s parting gem is this, “It’s infantilizing—no pun intended—to promote the idea that women are “made” to be moms.”

Um, no. Actually. One reason that there is an involuntary, almost, expression of joy over the announcement of a baby is not because the woman is a dumb brick and that’s all she can do. We are hard wired to rejoice at the propagation of humankind. And there is only one half of the equation that is “made” to bear humanity forward. It’s not infantilizing. It’s the opposite of infantilizing. There’s an infant, and an adult is literally made to carry that infant into the world. The infant cannot carry himself. He needs the one who has been physically “made” to bear him along.

The nobility of childbirth, the grace of giving life to another, the picture of the gospel, all chucked away for free (and by free I mean emotionally complicated and full of heartbreak) sex, for a usury self fulfillment? Motherhood has already been thrown into the cultural ditch. I beg to differ with our gentle author. The mother isn’t held up in esteem by all. Try walking around with a lot of kids and hearing the hiss of ugly words like “breeder” and “don’t you know what causes that” and then come back and tell me where the true cultural pressure lies. I do know what causes it. And it’s not free. It’s not about me. It’s not about my fulfillment and doing whatever I want all the time and everybody bowing before every tiny whim of my hardened mind.

The modern day grown up infant is the one who cannot see clearly and accept responsibility, whose selfishness pushes everybody else back against the wall, whose over abiding love of the self means the death of others. As usual, may God have mercy on all our souls.

*Just as an inside, I happen to know both men and women who are living the celibate life, whose strength of character, selfless caring for others, and witness for the gospel is humbling. Their lives make the women described in this article look snivelingly weak by comparison.