A Christmas Quiz

Yesterday someone commented on my post accusing me of falling into the pit of gnostic heresy for mildly pointing out that humanity is Evil. To which I reposted, read the Bible.

But I do love, at this time of year, to consider the vast depth of human wickedness as I sling about holly and wassail and good cheer. Actually, I’m not really big on good cheer but I do try to make an effort. The thing is, this time of year is bad enough, expectations running so high, and if you go around thinking you’re a good person and everyone else is a good person you’re going to end up either having a miserable time yourself, or ruining it for your entire family and probably all your friends too.

So, here is a quiz to help you see how the doctrine of Total Complete Wretched Individual and Societal Depravity can make your Christmas sparkly and bright.
One
So there you are, trying to mash all the presents under the tree, realizing that you got all the children thirty-five things each, which means that the whole room will have a pile of presents reaching to the very ceiling, but as you’re arranging and counting, you discover that one of the children has thirty-seven things. Everyone already thinks this is your favorite child but if you remove two of the items that child will discover that he is unloved by both God and you. What are you going to do? Ruin his Christmas? Or ruin everyone else’s? While you’re sitting there exhausted and starving, you are able to see that getting thirty-five things each violates your principled minimalistic life style and that it turns out, after all, that you are a hypocrite.
What do you do? What are your options?
A. Double down on your awesomeness and suppress the true knowledge that you’re going to ruin Christmas?
B. Leave town and never come back.
C. Blame everyone else for being awful.
D. Say, oh wow, I’m a sinner! This rots! Dear Sweet Baby God please forgive me for both failing And being bad! And then go to bed with an extra helping of eggnog and the sweet knowledge that your sins are as far from you as the east is from the west.

Two
You’ve laid a gorgeous table, the candles are sparkling, the wine is flowing, everyone’s having a lovely time, and then Ethel Rutherford, who unaccountably made it to your Christmas dinner, takes up her discourse and says, “I miss the old days when we could round up all the Jews and Japanese and Blacks and…” The whole table leaps into the fray to shut Ms. Rutherford down but the damage has been done. Not only is it just awful, but your family is ethnically and religiously diverse and you can tell that they’re thinking of never speaking to you again. Do you
A. Throw Ms. Rutherford under the bus and explain to the whole room that you’ve never seen her before (this is actually true, why is she there? But still).
B. Try to pretend what she said wasn’t so bad and bring out a whole oak barrel of wine to try to make everyone really forget even their own names.
C. Take Ms. Rutherford in the kitchen to explain why what she said is very ugly and mean and then tell her about the gospel and then pray with her.
D. Cover yourself in saccharine apologies.
E. Admit to God and yourself that There Is No Way Out Because People Are Hella Evil and fling yourself down on your bed begging God to offer the sweet merciful relief of sudden death.

Three
You’ve eaten too much and the house is trashed. Do you
A. Berate yourself for the week after Christmas for your gluttony, your not having every portion of your life in order, your failures to properly honor and connect with each member of your family, your selfishness for screaming at your children to Just Get In Bed Already at 6pm on Christmas Day even though they aren’t tired at all but you know you are definitely going to die.
B. Look at reality in the face and thank God that even though you aren’t perfect, he is.
C. Recriminate against your husband for failing to pick up the slack.
D. Decide that because you already ate a whole pie, it’s too late to be good and you might as well eat a second one.

The correct answers are One: D, Two: there literally is no right answer which totally proves my point, Three: B.
So, there you have it. A guaranteed Merry Christmas. A holly jolly Christmas. And why wouldn’t you want that? Don’t answer that.