That’s Not Very Nice: A Word in Defense of Kindness

[Jesus thinking that wasn’t very nice.]

Since the day after the election I’ve been circling around the word ‘Kind’. It has stuck itself in my head like an annoying child’s song that I don’t want to be singing but every time I turn around, there it is. And because it’s been there, poking at me, I’ve found it coming out of my mouth when I yell at the children. “That is Unkind,” I shouted at Alouicious two days ago. “If someone tells you to stop with the nerf bullets, you stop, no matter how funny you think it is.”

Kindness, in other words, is something that we might find to be lacking in our day to day lives. Either we might have a difficult time being kind to others, or we might find that we wish people would be kinder to us. If you read the Internet, for instance, you might find that kindness is not there at all.

And I think it’s not there because I think as a culture we have confused Kindness with Niceness.

Is there any kind of difference? Cough. I think so.

Kindness is actually a biblical concept. God is described in the bible as Kind. In Hosea we find God describing himself, “I led them with cords of kindness, with the bands of love, and I became to them as one who eases the yoke on their jaws, and I bent down to them and fed them.” Hosea 11:4 If you were trying to get through the book of Hosea you might be confused by the word “kindness” tucked in there in such a broken and terrible situation. Israel being sent into exile because of her sin, what God likens to prostitution, is not, wait for it…very nice.

And that’s where I think we are everywhere being confused. Niceness is something that should happen to me whereby I am not made uncomfortable by anything. And certainly, it can be good to be nice to each other. We shouldn’t go around trying to make other people unhappy on purpose.

But sometimes being Nice is the least Kind thing you can do. When you’re busying being nice to everyone, including yourself, you might find you are soothed into thinking there aren’t any problems anywhere, and that you’re just fine. Whereas if someone is kind to you, you might find yourself in an uncomfortable space for a while.

Recently some people have been very kind to me about my writing. By which I mean that when I was bashing away in all directions, “truth telling” or some such nonsense, a very kind friend said, “That’s not very nice. Maybe that thing needed to be said but you did not say it very well or very kindly.” Strangely, this kind of rebuke actually buoyed me up and ultimately encouraged me. It made me see that I have actual readers. I’m not just talking to myself. And that was wonderful to realize. And that helped me to think of myself as part of some kind of invisible and grappling community. I’m not by myself saying whatever I want. I am related to other people and I owe them kindness, even if I think they are gravely wrong. Kindness mitigates against the fractured, broken human tendency towards narcissistic isolation and pride.

Indeed, that is point of kindness. If you think someone is gravely wrong, tragically wrong, and you don’t say anything, isn’t that terribly unkind? Wasn’t it awful for Mrs. Clinton to go into election night thinking she had the country with her only to be devastated in that single hour? I watched the night’s proceedings and felt I was watching one of the unkindest moments in Modern Electoral History. Which is saying a lot, because unkindness is the name of the game in politics.

Niceness is, “why can’t we all just get along.” Kindness is, “we don’t seem to be getting along, what seems to be the trouble?” Niceness is a crinkly smile. Kindness is taking the trouble to say something upsetting that is weighing on your mind. But! Not saying Everything. Not just letting all your thoughts and feelings flatten everyone around you as if they were the truth.

I really think that in part the Safe Space phenomenon has arisen because as a culture we have been superficially Nice, but we haven’t been Kind. We haven’t said the things that needed saying because it wasn’t correct to say them, because it was scary, or because it seemed like no one was listening. But one unkindness leads to another. When once you have avoided a difficult moment for the sake of being nice, you might find yourself surrounded by the unkindness of anger, the wrathful rejection of the person with whom you were unable to–or decided not to–engage.

God is kind to us. So kind that he switches on the light when we prefer the dark. So kind that finally he absorbs our very darkness in himself and gets rid of it. So we might consider being kind to one another, because of the Lord’s kindness to us.

Have a lovely day.