Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk Or Be Racist

“Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk.” Never underestimate the influence a good slogan. I shall not go into detail, but this message made a significant impact on me. I think one of the powerful principles inherent in this U.S. national campaign to deter accidents and fatalities related to driving under the influence was its focus on relational responsibility within our highly individualistic society. It prompted us to face our definitions of care, love, and friendship when tested in these situations. If we care about our friends, then we would not let possible anger over taking their keys and finding alternative transportation home prevent us from doing what is right.  Love would move us beyond ourselves for good. In this case, for the safety of our friend and others. When it comes to White people dealing with racism, I think we can adopt a similar philosophy:

“White Friends Don’t Let White Friends Be Racists.”

If you are White and care about your White friend and this world, you will not let possible reactions deter you when challenging their racist words and deeds.

In this post, I point out how White people’s “good” White friends are capable of saying and doing things that support racism. I share a story to indicate how it is possible.  Afterward, I discuss how typical White responses impede progress and give suggestions to help when responding to a Person of Color who accuses a “good” White person you know.

Get Ya Friend

We are long overdue for more White people to intervene, so their White friends can stop actin’ a racist fool in deez here screets refrain from racist or racially problematic behavior. Along with the plethora of White people claiming to have “good” friends, who are White, we have a considerable number of good White people being racist, acting racist, talking racist, and singing in the rain racist.

Undoubtedly, many White people intellectually agree that racism exists. In reality, when a situation arises where a White person’s good White ol’ buddy ol’ pal is accused of doing something racist, more often than not, if the accuser is a Person of Color, it is as if it is beyond the threshold of the universe for a White person to actually have race issues.

The person who babysits for you, brings homemade soup when you are sick, or gives your child a recommendation to a private school can turn around, when you are unaware, and say/do something racist. Contrary to popular beliefs, White people do not have to actively participate in hate groups or allow the n-word to roll off their tongues like honey to engage in racially problematic behavior.

Here is a message for White people and all people to understand:

Your good White friends can do racist stuff.

They are humans.

They live in a world with saturated with both useful and harmful racial messages.

Meet The “I See Negro” Couple

My husband and I were on holiday at a resort, where I was the only Black guest. The staff at the resort, employed from the local context, were People of Color, too. My husband and I noticed the looks of particular White people when they tried to veil their emotional cocktail of both surprise and disappointment to see a Black woman who would not be serving them.

Sadly, in this world, we have a substantial sector of White people with an internal need for work, home, and play to be exclusively White for them to substantiate feelings of superiority and successful.

Before one particular couple arrived to join another couple on vacation, the wife raved about them: “They are so much fun. They are wonderful people!” She promoted them as if she was trying to dethrone Don King.

I expected terrific exploits and merriment from this couple. As we dined outside for breakfast, the fun couple made their entrance.

When the husband saw me and made eye contact, he had a look on his face.

Have you ever heard of or watched the movie, The Sixth Sense? Do you recall the famous line, “I see dead people?”

Well, the way this guy looked at me was as if he said, “I see Negro.” On the other hand, his wife’s reaction was more subdued.  I noticed the complete obliviousness of their friends delighted to see them, and the rest of the White people at the table.

My husband noticed.

The funny/unfunny thing is that the “I see Negro” expression never left whenever he saw me (From this point, we shall refer to this couple as Mrs. and Mr. I See Negro). Mr. I See Negro goes away to this posh resort, allowing People of Color to wait on him, hand and feet, and my presence as a guest disrupts his sense of racial superiority and feeling of being a good White person for his kindness toward the staff. I could sense and discern it. I laughed inside whenever I encountered him.

Finally, Mr. I See Negro could not take it anymore.

He had to say something.

On one evening, as my husband and I awaited an event. Mr. I See Negro seized his moment before the rest of  the guests arrived. He sat next to us and began to unleash a lengthy complaint about People of Color from Aboriginals to African immigrants in his homeland of Australia.

It was Gawd-awful, Mate.

Think of the worse things you can say about different racial and ethnic groups and turn it into a monologue worthy of a Hitler biopic musical and there you have it.

When he began, feeling mischievous, I commented, “Because your ancestors came over on the best behavior.” Afterward, I held my tongue, and whispered in my husband’s ear, “You know, I am trying not to say something, right?” As a confession, I wanted to make sport of him for his ignorant audacity to gift us with his uninvited Aussiefied racist commentary to us. I had a slew of hat would knowingly agitate him like, “You poor White man,” “How could they do that to you, Colonizers,” or “It must be tough being an oppressor.”

It was like the two of us knew the strategy we would take in the situation. We decided to sit and say nothing. Mr. I See Negro couldn’t take it anymore and had to get us alone to tell us how horrible People of Color are and how White people are victims. Then, Mrs. I See Negro came over and joined in to share her complaints about Aboriginal people.  When they talked, I could feel the venom coming out. I felt a plaque swirling in their souls, energizing each word.  When they finished, it was silence. My husband and I continued sitting, remaining calm, and listening to the music, refusing to engage their racist toddler tantrum. The disingenuous couple did not seek understanding or have a fruitful discussion, so they got up and left, along with their depressing cloud of unexamined Aussie White privilege.

We looked at each other and finally put words to our silent agreement that the scenario was not worth our time or energy to engage.

Breaking the silence, I said, “I can’t make this stuff up.”

My husband kept shaking his head, as he discussed the couple’s audacity and disrespect. “He sees I have a Black wife, who is sitting right next to me…”

After our brief unpacking of “Racist White Folks Gone Wild: Resort Edition,” we continued enjoying our night. We had loads of fun without the “fun” couple!

On the following next night, when the guests mingled for cocktail hour, I walked over to Mrs. and Mr. I See Negro and their friends, greeted them, asking out their day. Their friends next to them unaware about last night’s racist shenanigans where happily chatting away with me. The I See Negro couple, initially looked as if their eyes were going to pop out of their heads in disbelief that I was not only friendly but also conversing with them.

What they did not realize is that my joy in life or my happiness on holiday did not involve a need to have a particular racial group inferior to me.  Their racial hang-ups are not mine.

Now, these good White friends of the other couple did not witness their racist actions and words.  These “wonderful” and “fun” White friends waited until my husband and I were away from the rest of the White guests to spew out their hatred.

I wonder if the I See Negro couple’s friends would believe that their good friends would dare say something racist to other guests.  Would their friends back home believe me if I shared about their good friends’ behavior on vacation? Alternatively, would they respond, “Are you sure? There are two sides to every story.”

White Innocence is Guilty of Racism

Similar scenarios have happened to numbers of People of Color, from work to worship. They stem from a racist practice of assuming White innocence at all costs whenever a White person says or does something that falls under the category, directly or indirectly, of encouraging racism. When the Person of Color shares her/his experience with another White person, a mutual friend, colleague, or pastor, the response assumes White innocence, calling the Person of Color into question.

The responses range from “Maybe, you misunderstood,” to “I’m sure she did not mean it that way.”

If these White individuals consider themselves liberal or progressive, they might even refuse to see even their response as a cuddly teddy bear stuffed with racism. What they fail to understand is that their supposed fairness is White defensiveness of maintaining racism. When White people feel victimized, and the alleged perpetrator is a Person of Color, the White person is often immediately believed. There isn’t the “Maybe, it is all in your head” treatment.

Furthermore, some White people become such defenders of White innocence that they choose “stay positive,” because they would rather be accepted by their White friends than ruffle their feathers by challenging their racism. For those who are Christian, they surpass worshipping the fake blonde-haired blue-eyed Jesus. Their god is Whiteness in and of itself.

Recognizing Humanity

When you overly invest in a fairytale image of your good White friend, you support racism. Instead of a Pollyanna approach to race-relations, I suggest we recognize White people, friends and all, for who they are: human.

Some of our best racists out here are considered good friends, spouses, employers, pastors, co-workers, with many White people, and select People of Color, who would attest to their character. No matter how long we have known them, our good White friends might say or do something unknowingly, and for some knowingly, that comes across as racist.

If you are a White person whose first response draws from a perfunctory and distorted idea of White innocence, then you, too, have room to examine your inclination to avoid acknowledging your friend’s humanity to the extent of racially wounding others.

I think it is possible for White people to suspend their unexamined racial perspectives when a Person of Color shares a race-based issue involving their good White friend. For example, here is a brief practice for a White person to slow down and be mindful in their response to the initial encounter.

• Breathe because these situations feel weighty.
• Imagine what it took for this person to come to you. Imagine what this person might be feeling.
• The first response needs to be a response of love and validation.
• Recognize how your resistance might show up. Do you feel compelled to defend your friend?
• After recognizing them, let them be. Do not judge. Oh, and remember to keep breathing.
• Then, suspend judgment of your White friend. After this post, recognize they are humans capable of doing intentional and unintentional screwed up stuff to other people. Let it be. Also, keep breathing.
• Last, ask yourself, “Am I willing to do what is right, even if my White friend gets upset, cries, and denies it?” “What does ‘right’ look like in this situation?”

I share this intentional practice as an example of how White people can stop haphazardly responding with the typical promotion of White innocence in those precious initial moments. It is a way of recognizing the humanity of all involved without judgment, including yourself.

As for actions, it depends on the situation.

Take the Keys

What if we, in the spirit of freedom and equity, validated People of Color and White people who come forward as victims?

As aforementioned, Black people, as People of Color, whether the victim or the accused, commonly, are often framed as guilty.

Please consider your willingness to possibly risk social status and friendships with White people over a Person of Color.

There is nothing revolutionary about a White person taking the word of another White person over a Black person. There is no risk.

Any White person can feel great about voting for Obama and taking missions trips to Congo, all the while keeping in-tact their White circle of friends and professionals who applaud their works. It is revolutionary to stand for what is right at a social cost.

It is revolutionary for a “good” White person to challenge another White person, especially a friend, about racism.  Remember, love moves us to do things that are beyond ourselves for good.

It is revolutionary to not give into crying, anger, and other tantrums when you confront another “good” White person.

It is revolutionary to take the keys from their hands and refuse to let them drive.