Five Things Democrats Can Do with Their Hats Besides Throwing Them in the Ring for President

I do not know which is more crowded: Atlanta or the Democratic primary for the 2020 U.S. presidential election.

Recently, Deval Patrick decided in the midnight hour to “throw his hat in the ring” for the Democratic nomination. After spending $33 million in political television ads within one week, there is a high probability of former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg adding his hat in the umpteenth hour, too. They are showing up on a Saturday at 9 pm when office hours are Monday-Friday, 8 am to 5 pm.

Patrick and Bloomberg are out here taking the Bible literally about the first shall be last and the last shall be first. At this point, whoever is coming in this late in the game is too late. Thus, saith the Sam, “The last shall be last.”

The doors of the church are now closed.

No soup for you! (Seinfeld fans will get it.)

In the words of Gandalf, “You shall not pass.”

Take the Nike slogan, flip it, and reverse it like Missy Elliot’s “Work it” and Just Don’t Do it.

Let us explore other things Democratic presidential hopefuls can do with their hats besides throwing them in the ring.

In this post, I share five options.

Five Things Besides the Ring

1. Turn the Hat into a Planter

The Democratic hopefuls can use their hats as lovely planters. Politics can get ugly and downright dirty. I do not have a green thumb, yet I think the only dirt needed for a planter is potting soil. They can turn this questionable idea into thing of beauty—a a natural work of earthen art.

2. Auction the Hat for Charity

All of the donors who would line up to support these campaign can instead put those powerful dollars to the people.

2a. Fill the hat with donations for a charity.

3. Wear the Hat

One of the least radical and most practical ideas is to wear the hat. Use the hat for its designated purpose and keep it far from Democratic Primary.

4. Put a Cat in the Hat

The hat throwers can connect with their inner child and put a cat in the hat like Dr. Seuss to entertain the masses. This idea is a win-win, because they also reconnect with the simple child-like worldview that can get lost along the path to adulthood.  Arriving unfashionably late to a race with 93,061.47825 candidates who have already completed 78 gazillion debates and town halls could be a lose-lose.

5. Burn the Hat

My final idea is to burn the hat. Consider this act like a book burning, campfire or burning sage for a house cleansing. The late in the game Democrats could burn it  like when people  write down the trespasses of those who have wronged them on a piece of paper and set it aflame it to help them forgive. They can burn the hat to forgive themselves for entering the 2020 race. Burning the hat will guarantee that it will not be thrown into the ring.  As an additional benefit, the ashes can be added to the hats that were used as planters (See: Option 1 in this list).

Closing: Not a Good Time

The more is not always the merrier. What I see in the Democratic primary is a cacophony of political voices that turned a short-sighted snowball into an electoral avalanche void of understanding.

I am not contending that these distinguished individuals or any more late arrivals should not ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever run. I am suggesting that now does not seem like a good time.

You know, like “the unannounced house guest when your family is in the middle of a heated dispute” not a good time.

Like “rain pouring down on an outdoor wedding” not a good time.

Like “the Kool Aid Man bursting through the wall during your child’s first ballet recital, screaming, ‘Oh Yeah’” not a good time.

Like  “that time someone called me right at kickoff during the Super Bowl” not a good time. Who does that?

If one more person decides to toss a hat into this overcrowded race, I promise to God— Actually, I do not have any promises. I am not going to make a typical politician promise to get your vote and work on spinning reasons why I did not keep said promise post-election.

I miss the days when everybody and their grandmother did not think they could run for President.

As President Donald J. Trump would say, “Sad.”