I have been through some devastating circumstances in life I can tell you. I had a bad first marriage. I was a single parent of small children. I had cancer. And I had to come to some decisions in life if I was going to survive. I had to come to a point where I did not care about what anyone thought. I know that sounds bad at first and it doesn’t mean I didn’t value and respect some people’s advice. But ultimately it is up to you and you have to make it on your own. You cannot count on anyone being there for you. There are no white knights on the horizon, there is no one coming to your rescue, get it in your head that if it is going to be it is up to me. Even if you have someone by your side you can depend on like a spouse, friend, or life partner you still are going to have to deal with what you are going through. No one can do it for you. You can’t be a drain on people or expect them to do it for you or give you the right advice. Anyone’s advice is their opinion and what they would do, but you have got to come to your own realization and decision of what is best for you. It may sound cold but you have to get to the point where you really don’t care what people think. Ask 50 million people for their advice and you will get 50 million different opinions. Yes, consider the advice of those whom you trust but if you go looking for advice it can get very confusing with all the different advice you will get. If you ever get to the point where you really don’t care what people think then what people think won’t affect you anymore and you can truly look out for yourself. You have to look out for yourself. You are number one. I’m not saying you don’t have to look out for others like small children, of course, you have to take care of them but you can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first. You can’t let people’s opinions affect you. Lord knows you have enough voices in your head and in your world that are screaming at you, voices from your childhood telling you things like you’re not pretty or you are pretty or you don’t deserve this. The fact of the matter is you have to get to the point where you like yourself. Yes, improve yourself, you looking at yourself in the mirror, not swayed by everyone else’s opinion. At least once a year I evaluate my life and take a good hard honest look at what in life is working for me and what is not working for me. I evaluate relationships I am involved in whether they are good or bad for me. I evaluate whether the job I am working and what I am spending my time on is good for me or bad for me. I evaluate where I’m making money and where I’m losing money. I evaluate what and who is being a drain on me and that includes family members. Maybe you have a family member who is being a drain on you mentally, physically, financially, even spiritually. Just because they are family doesn’t mean they get a free pass to be a drain on you. There are some people that you can’t help, let’s just be honest. They don’t listen to your advice. You give them money and they just want more. Be honest, are you helping that person or are you enabling them? To do this sometimes you have to get kind of cold-hearted. Listen to me objectively as I say this. I’m not telling you to be mean, disrespectful, or someone no one wants to be around. I’m saying for your survival‘s sake, when you are looking into the mirror when it comes down to it when you are making decisions that will affect your life, you have to be cold-hearted enough to say no to those people. You have got to stop listening to people who say you are this or that. Like someone said if you are going to fly you have to give up the things that are weighing you down. Even the Bible says if you’re going to run the race to lay aside every weight that so easily besets us and to run the race set before us (Hebrews 12:1). Get focused. Cut off, discard and lay aside what is holding you back and that includes people in your life. You need to be hard on yourself and evaluate what is holding me back, what or who is keeping me down. What about those things in life that you let get to you? You have got to get control and not let things get to you so bad. You have to deal with life and its circumstances and how you react to things. No matter how bad it is you have to figure out how you are going to deal with the situation. You have to get control of your mind and thoughts. You can’t let your imagination and thoughts run wild. You can’t ‘what if’ or ‘if only’. You can’t afford to get in that pity party mode. You can’t allow yourself to get into that victim mentality. There are very few true victims in life. Sure, there are true victims like a child being abused by their parents. A child has no control over that, they are powerless to do anything about it, but that is not the case with most people. You have grown-up people blaming their jobs, their race, and their level of education caught up in this victim mentality. ‘Ah, I just got screwed over, its not my fault’. It doesn’t matter what the reason was that got you to this point. If it is your fault be honest and do what you have to do to correct the situation. Pull up your big boy pants and deal with it. Stop blaming everyone else. You have to have a ‘if it is going to be it is up to me’ attitude. You have to say to yourself ‘I’m not going to let this situation or person destroy me’. Know who you are. If you don’t know who you are you need to figure out who you are and who you’re going to be. It is time to be transformed. The Bible emphasizes that You have to transform yourself by renewing your mind (Romans 12:2). YOU, yes you, not anyone else, no one can do it for you. Figure out what brought you to this point. Deal with those lying voices and ‘stinkin’ thinkin’ that is bringing you down and holding you back and do what it is you need to do whatever that is. With me, when my first wife left me I took my small children and moved and even changed the name I was called by to a name that inspired me and gave me purpose. I shook the dust of my past off of my feet. If that is what it takes that is what you need to do. I’m not telling anyone to leave their marriages or children, definitely don’t abandon your children but it is possible that the person you are married to is a big part of the problem especially if it is an abusive situation. Just make sure they are the problem and not you before you make such a drastic decision. I’m just saying do what you have to do. It might be changing jobs, it might be changing locations, going to a different school, or starting school for the first time. The point is, evaluate, what do I need to do and then do it, don’t stay another minute in a situation you can do something about. Don’t just willy-nilly make a life-changing decision though, come up with a well-thought-out plan. Determine that you are not going to let this thing get to me, I’m not going to let it destroy me.
Next column I go into more detail on this subject in ‘Don’t Give Your Power Away. I also have a video of me discussing this subject if you would like to listen.
Benjamin Raven Pressley is a prolific writer and ordained minister and has authored many books and blogs. He is an author, artist, Bible teacher and philosopher. His Cherokee heritage and his knowledge of living in harmony with the planet and God are evident throughout everything he writes. Raven welcomes your questions, input, and visits to his website at WalkingSpiritually.com.
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