What To Do About That Wayward Child

What do you do?

What do you do when the child you raised right chooses to live completely contrary to how you raised them? What do you do when you divorce your spouse, and one or more of your grown children don’t want anything to do with you? What do you do when your grown child chooses to follow the teachings of a so-called faith that you know is a cult and will possibly lead to destructive consequences? You were a good parent who raised them in a loving, supportive way. You modeled good behavior before them, and there was no alcohol or drug abuse in your home. You took them to a good Bible-based church and Sunday School. What happened and what can you do about it? And doesn’t the Bible say, in Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Yes, but that period between being a child and when they are old can be a little iffy.

I am going to attempt to share with you what I have learned from my own experiences and those of others, and I hope to help and encourage any parent who may be dealing with one or more of these experiences.

A little can be a lot

This isn’t going to be an article telling you how to get in their face and shake them up until they submit. And I hate to start this article this way, but I have got to be honest. So, what can you do? Very little. But a little is a lot in God’s hands. Sometimes we just need to get out of the way and let God work. He is the only one that can save them, not you. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is hope. Please read this whole article, for truly there is hope. I wish I could tell you that if you do this, then you will be guaranteed to get that, but honestly, there are no guarantees. I want to be as real as I can with you, especially to those who have already tried everything and still see no change in their situation. I want you to have some peace of mind and hope.

The first thing you need to realize is that sweet little baby you once held in your arms and that sweet little toddler that worshipped the ground you walked on is now an adult and can make their own choices…good or bad. You cannot force them to do anything they don’t want to do. No amount of coercing or manipulation is going to work. And certainly trying to force them to do anything isn’t going to accomplish anything. Yes, initially try to reason with them and offer them access to professional help but ultimately it is up to them and sometimes they will reject the help you are offering and very often do so in a very disrespectful way. However, don’t associate their bad behavior with who you know they really are. A person can become so bound in their ways that they don’t even see it. Very often they will defend their bad behavior loudly and say that you are the one that is wrong.

Know this though, just because they are family gives them no right to disrespect you.

This is important to accept because more times than not they insist you treat them like an adult but also want to hold on to being a child on some level for the purpose of getting their way. Every parent should raise their children when they are younger that there are consequences to their actions. Take the word ‘punishment’ out of your vocabulary and substitute it for ‘consequences’. Teach a child from the start that they have choices in life and there are rewards for making the right choices and consequences for wrong choices. This distinction is so important. They need to learn while the consequences may just be a pop on the behind for when they get older bad choices have more serious consequences like losing a job or spouse or going to jail. Give a child a clear choice to make. For example, if you continue this behavior this is what will happen and let them know that it is up to them to choose, then follow through with exactly what you described as a consequence to their actions then emphasize that it was them who made the choice and brought it on themselves. When they are toddlers, it may be as simple as a pop on the behind and a stern ‘No’. As the child gets older, give them consequences that are more appropriate for whatever age they are. Too often, parents make the mistake of threatening and then not following through and that includes counting as in ‘I’m counting to three and you better do what I tell you by then’. From early on, make it clear what their choices are and let them decide, then it is on them and not you. When they are older teenagers and young adults It is still the same. Make it clear to them that it is your house and it is your rules, just like you would a house guest, and let them know that when they have their own house, you will abide by their rules. If they do not wish to follow your rules, then they need to move out. This is just mutual respect. This may seem a little harsh and I’m not saying kick them out in the street but make it clear to them that they may not disrespect you with their bad behavior. The day may come it will have to be enforced, but hopefully they will take you seriously and either move out on their own or comply. If it comes down to it and you feel endangered by their threats and actions you may even have to call the law to get involved. Do what you have to do.

So, what about the grown child who is on their own and living a life contrary to what you taught them? First of all, if possible, keep the lines of communication open. Try to maintain a two-way conversation and some degree of mutual respect. Let them know you do not approve of the choices they have made, but you will respect their decision. Then give them over to receive the consequences of their actions. Don’t bail them out. Let them know that whatever happens to them, they brought on themselves. Take away the safety net. It can be hard to do but it is necessary. How else will they learn? They may say they hate you but one day they will respect you for your decision.

Pray and fast for God to open their eyes.

That is the best prayer you can pray for them for until their eyes are open and they see clearly, they will not be able to make a lasting change. I think this is verified in John 6:44, “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them, and I will raise them up at the last day.” And though this is talking specifically about salvation, I think it still applies. This often requires that you lift the hedge of protection from them you have been praying for. There is an interesting situation in 1 Corinthians 5:5 where Apostle Paul instructs a church regarding someone in the church who refuses to turn away from their sins to “hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord.” That seems rather harsh at first but apparently, this person had been approached and counseled and still would not turn from their wicked ways and Paul told them to withdraw the hedge of protection they had from the church they attended and let it run its course so they could experience the consequences of their actions. You might think that doesn’t sound very loving, but it is what used to be called ‘tough love’. It is about restoration, not rejection. Until a person gets it in their head that there are consequences to their actions, they will continue their destructive lifestyle. Sometimes that requires hitting rock bottom before that happens. I have heard many testimonies about people who changed after an encounter with Christ even while in prison.

Trust God, trust the Holy Spirit to do the work in their life that needs to be done.

Stop trying to do what only the Holy Spirit can do. Only the Holy Spirit can expose that shiny lure the enemy is flashing before their eyes. You just need to live the life before them that God is bigger than anything they are falling for. When your children are younger they are more or less forced to live ‘your’ story of God, they live ‘your’ faith but they need to find their own story and testimony that will carry them through the rest of their life. Trust God. Like Moses told the children of Israel standing before the Red Sea on one side and Pharoah’s army on the other, in Exodus 14:13-14, “And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you to day: for the Egyptians whom ye have seen to day, ye shall see them again no more forever. The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.” Think about Elijah challenging 450 prophets of Baal to a contest on Mount Carmel (1 Kings 18:16-40) to prove which god was the true God: the Lord or Baal, with the sign being fire from the heavens to consume a sacrifice. The Baal prophets failed to ignite their altar, despite shouting and self-harm, while Elijah drenched his altar with water, and God immediately sent fire to consume it, proving the Lord’s power. The story culminates in Elijah calling for the people to choose, and after

the demonstration, he has the prophets of Baal executed. He didn’t try to stop them. He even encouraged it. He knew God would win in the end. What about the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32? The Father in the story had to let him go. The boy had to lose everything and end up in a hog pen eating what the hogs ate before his eyes were opened. We have to do the same with our wayward children. Don’t scream and cajole just say ‘Go ahead and see where that gets you’ in full confidence that what happens needs to happen so that they can compare the two, not you. ‘But what if something bad happens to them?’ Trust God that whatever happens has to happen to bring about the desired outcome, yes, that might mean something undesirable may happen, yes they might even go to prison, but God is there. God will be right there waiting! Psalm 139:8 says ^“If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.” Lifeguards are taught that if the person they are trying to rescue is thrashing about to the detriment of both of you drowning that they should let the person wear themselves out and come close to drowning before they rescue them. Once they surrender then they can be saved. It is the same with that wayward child, they may have to have some bad things happen to them due to the bad choices they are making before their eyes are opened and they can be saved.

There is nothing too hard for God. Impossible is what he is best at. Be excited about what God is fixing to show you and them. Words are one thing but sometimes it takes a display of power. When the power of evil rises look deep in your own faith and let the ‘greater is He that is in you’ arise (1 John 4:4). Let Baal raise his ugly head. Let the devil roar. 1 Peter 5:8 “Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil walketh about as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” That verse says ‘Like a roaring lion’ it doesn’t say he ‘is’ a lion to be feared. He just likes to roar like one and confound and confuse. You keep standing in the God you trust and trust the process. It may look bad to you but believe that even if bad things happen that God is still in control. God has got this! Psalm 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God.”

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