11 Indispensable Relationships You Can’t Be Without : A Book Review

“No man is an island entire of itself.”—John Donne

One of the key reasons leaders fail is isolation and insulation, shutting out the others who can assist and enhance your leadership. When pride tells a person that he or she is self-sufficient, trouble is looming. To that end, Leonard Sweet takes aim at the concept of “Lone Ranger” leadership in his book 11 Indispensable Relationships You Can’t Be Without.

Combing through biblical stories, Sweet discovers 11 models of relationships that a leader should prioritize and celebrate. Even though the author admits there are other types of relationships that could also come into play, the eleven “Withnesses” he chooses are the ones he considers to be most essential and well-rounded.

“The real meaning of life is not a journey question or an arrival question. It’s a relationship question. Who do you have with you?” Sweet asks.

After Sweet introduces the concept of the 11 “Withnesses,” he then introduces the stories and types of relationships in each subsequent chapter, adding in his own observations and experiences.

Sweet’s examples include Nathan (Editor), Jonathan (True Friend), Jethro (Butt-Kicker), Timothy (Heir), Barnabus (Encourager), Peter/Paul (Yoda), Deborah (Back-Coverer), Zaccheus (Reject), Rhoda (“Little One”), VIPS (Rich and Poor, Lydia and Lazarus), Jerusalem (Place) and even the Invisible 12^th (“Paraclete”).

Nathan (Editor)

Sweet introduces the relationship between David and Nathan to represent the Editor, someone to keep you in check. He draws a contrast between editing and accountability, saying that editing is actually the process of bringing out your best and discarding your worst, such as a book editor might do to a manuscript.

“Do you mind your manuscripts being overhauled by other thumbs?” he asks.

He points out that Nathan will…

Get under your skin. A Nathan helps us keep our egos in check.
Ask questions.
Tells the truth. He may tell you the truth in a way that hurts, but will tell the truth. And you should be thankful for it.

Sweet also points out that David named his son Nathan, he believes as a “way of tying a gift to the saddle, fulfilling the obligation of obligation.”

As a journalist for two decades, I’ve worked for bona-fide editors who’ve made my articles bleed, sometimes salvaging only morsels to expand into better versions. I’ve also had friends who’ve encouraged me to delete portions of my responses to focus on the true and best courses of action.

Jonathan (True Friend)

Another relationship with David is the one with Jonathan, his well-known best friend. Sweet says a “Jonathan is a person who is like “your second self.” He is fiercely loyal, sacrificing his own comfort for your benefit, “even knowing, as the original Jonathan knew, that the more your song rises, the more his or her own song fades into the background.” The song “Wind Beneath My Wings” comes to my mind.

Sweet also says Jonathan is not your “best” but a “true” friend, discouraging the idea of playing favorites with your relationships.

Why it is so difficult for many to have a Jonathan in their lives? Sweet mentions three syndromes or “sin-dromes.”

Egostystem syndrome – friendships to advance our agenda or status
“No Down Elevator” syndrome – experiencing emotional vulnerability
“What, Me Sacrifice?” syndrome – sacrifice of time and effort

I have been privileged to have several Jonathans in my life and I would hope that others would be able to say that of me. They’re not only the best in crisis moments but the best in everyday, being-there living.

Jethro (Butt-Kicker)

Sweet uses the character of Jethro to illustrate the idea of someone who will get you in the right road. He differentiates the idea of saying “Go in peace” to “Go to peace,” basically contrasting the idea of dismissal with provocation to a better work.

A Jethro is a person who blesses you forward, who says “You’re history, Hamby,” not only in the sense of humility but in the perspective of making your mark. Jethros give us a “mind to work”

Timothy (Protégé)

The relationship between Paul and Timothy is explored in one chapter, where Sweet calls on the importance of a protégé. This chapter spoke volumes to me as a young leader who’s not as young as I sometimes think I am.

For so long, as a young leader, you are taught to listen and learn, but then there’s a time of paying it forward, of stepping into your moment as a mentor. I don’t think we always make those transitions well and I’d like to do better.

We think about heritage and in my life, my goal is to write a book or leave some type of legacy in print. But this question reverberated with me, “Have you considered your Sistine Chapel might not be a project or place but a person?”

Another point of interest is Sweet’s proposal for open, studio-style workspaces in churches rather than offices, a move that would foster community and brainstorming, reducing the convenience of isolation. He said most churches he suggests it to don’t take him up on it, but it’s an idea I’d like to keep in my mind. Is it possible for me to model it?

Sweet also distinguishes between clones and heirs. Heirs won’t do everything the same. They’ll have their own tune, but they’ll have the same mission.

Barnabus (Encourager)

If there’s one relationship that most people wish they had more of, it’s probably a Barnabus, the encourager. Some of us do have them and we keep them close. We keep files with notes of support for times we need to look and find if we ever do anything right. A Barnabus helps give us hope.

Sweet says the Academy Awards’ Oscar statue is a symbol of encouragement from peers, since it’s based on votes by members of the Academy.

Barnabus is an encourager, not an embalmer. “Some people will embalm you in flattery,” Sweet says. “That’s not a Barnabus, that’s a sycophant.” I think the Holy Spirit helps us at times beware of people who use flattery to get close in order to destroy you from within.

“Who works like steroids to your spirit? To whom are you an encourager?” The latter question also resounds with me. Am I being as encouraging as I like for others to be toward me?

Sweet talks about two kinds of handlers – fists and palms. Barnabus is a palm (high-fives, pats on the back).

Peter/Paul (Yoda)

Who can you turn to for wisdom? Who’s been there, bought the t-shirt, wrote the book? It’s the Peter/Paul type of “Withness” or, as Sweet illustrates, “you need a Yoda.” As in the green muppet in the Star Wars movies.

A Yoda is a wise person, not necessarily old, but most likely, who helps you navigate the path they’ve already walked. As a new supervisor, I turn to the old supervisor with employee questions, from the major items to the minor details. Leaders should not be threatened with someone who’s been there. You take all the wisdom they have and implement what’s necessary.

Sweet offers a few tips for choosing a mentor:

Humility – One who knows but knows they don’t know it it all. It is not the one who has all the right answers but the right spirit
Honesty –They are known to be truthful and virtuous.
Honor – These are people who are honored and honorable.

Deborah (Back-coverer)

Sweet serves a wake-up call to anyone who still thinks leadership is an easy road with his proclamation that we’re all going to eventually be betrayed and stabbed in the back. It happened to Christ; it will happen to us. Therefore, we need a Deborah, someone who covers your back. In this chapter, he offers the following points:

You’re going to get it in the back.
Sometimes a back-coverer fights with you in front lines but most times pray from a distance.
You can Deborah people you don’t know. You don’t have to be a good friend to someone to watch their back and take up for them.
We can Deborah generations that come before and after us. Sweet opens up the model of relationship across the decades with this concept of standing in the gap for our predecessors and descendants in the faith.

Zaccheus (Reject)

When I read the chapter about Zaccheus, the “Reject” “Withness” relationship, I definitely thought of the old Mike Adkins story of “A Man Called Norman,” featured on Focus on the Family in the 80s. Norman was Adkins’ neighbor, someone who didn’t fit into the mold of Adkins’ other relationships, but nonetheless had lessons to teach through his friendship.

Sweet uses Zaccheus, “someone up a tree,” to drive home this concept. Not every relationship is going to be cozy and tidy. Not every relationship is going to be comfortable. The reject relationship will likely not be, because while the others give you something, this relationship requires something from you.

Remember Zaccheus is someone “up in a tree.” This is someone who needs your help. They can’t help themselves.
Zaccheus is one of a kind, an iconoclast. He breaks the mold. There isn’t a place for them in our world of boxes. He is characterized by the word “eccentric.”
Be mindful that a Zaccheus is “out there.” You may have to go hunting. They’re not necessarily in your church. They’re not behind you in the pew.
Zaccheus is Trouble. This is someone whose relationship with you may have to be defended. Sweet uses his own friendship with Willie Nelson and some controversy that ensued to illustrate this.
Don’t overlook the reality that Zaccheus is inefficient. Your life runs more smoothly without a Zaccheus. But you need a person mocked by others but to whom you extend a healing, helping hand.

Most of us will not have a “Hosea-Gomer” relationship but this is certainly one that would fit into Sweet’s distinctions.

Rhoda (Little One)

Sweet mentions Rhoda in a chapter on “You need a little one.” Mostly, he focuses on the idea of childlike faith and innocence, barely distinguishing it from the idea of a protégé except that age here is more important.

“Rhodas will keep you snug, scared, small, light and alive,” he says.

Lydia and Lazarus (VIPS)

Sweet offers a balanced perspective on VIPS when focusing on Lydia and Lazarus. He doesn’t poormouth the rich or dismiss those in poverty, but says we need both to keep our perspective fresh.

Lydia is the kind who will help with resources with your ministry. He discourages the reader from ignoring what God might be trying to do through their charity in your life. He even admits a time when he turned his back on millions because of a reluctance of the attention it would bring.

Lazarus represents the poor that Christ spent time with. We should stay connected with them, not by throwing money at them or working off our guilt somehow, but by being active solutions to their problems. He suggests a diagram to do away with poverty in the chapter’s interactive follow-up.

I think in my years in church, I have seen far fewer people uncomfortable with the rich than the poor.

Jerusalem (Place)

Sweet introduces one of the final two relationships with one that isn’t a person, but a place. Jerusalem represents the place of rest, the home, where you find shelter. He speaks about places that bring you to “holiness” and remind you of past victories.

“Who we are is shaped by where we are,” he writes.

This chapter also affords Sweet the opportunity to make mentions of creation care and not despising where you come from.

Some people struggle with their heritage, but hopefully it can be put in its proper place; not defining what we do now, but serving as checkpoints of our lives.

The Invisible 12^th

In the final chapter, Sweet discusses a 12^threlationship, the Paraclete. As Christians, we are afforded the opportunity to use our relationship with the Holy Spirit to guard us against attacks and be our ultimate relationship. Just as Jesus had no one to pray with Him an hour in the garden, our 11 other relationships may not always be there.

The Paraclete, which refers to the Holy Spirit and sometimes the spirit of Christ, offers a “Trifecta of Truth: Confidence, Humility, Courage” to all those who enter into relationship with Him.

I found 11 to be an extremely insightful narrative on relationships. As with many books of this nature, none of the subject matter is particularly revelatory. Sweet’s treasure here is the presentation, dividing these relationships and even self-editing out peripheral information to keep the meat of the book intact.

Sweet manages to keep his points interesting, relating to the readers more casually than scholarly. He is confessional and approachable, although still being able to speak as a voice of experience.

As I read, I was struck with how many of the relationships I do have, without making an effort to fill any guidelines this book might have offered. This is what I mean by not revelatory, per se. Still it’s helpful for those who may see a need for improvement in areas, such as mine in the area of protégés and being an encourager. In fact, Sweet might have emphasized even more than he did the idea of turning these 11 relationships into personal missions for the readers, rather than objects to seek.