The Articles of Christmas

The Articles of Christmas December 10, 2012

This post provides official notification of my intention, on or immediately prior to the 25th of December 2012, to wish readers of my blog a Merry Christmas. If you are likely to find such expression of Christmas greetings/wishes offensive, you are hereby asked to refrain from reading any and all posts on this blog which may have Christmas, Noel, or other synonymous terminology in the title which may be posted between midnight of December 24th and midnight of December 26th Eastern Standard Time. No responsibility is taken for computers whose clock settings cause them to view a post in this category outside the specified time frame.

The Christmas wishes to be offered will be in accordance with the official articles of Christmas stipulated below (renewed here for this year, 2012, having previously been published in 200820092010 and 2011):


The Articles of Christmas

Article I: The use of the expression “Merry Christmas” and its synonyms on this blog (henceforth referred to in this document simply as “Merry Christmas”) is not to be construed as a declaration of war, whether real or metaphorical.

Article II: “Merry Christmas” is not to be construed as a form of persecution.

Article III: “Merry Christmas” is not understood to void, invalidate, denigrate, supplant, or replace wishes for a happy Kwaanza, festivus for the rest of us, Hanukkah, scary solstice, Newtonmas, or any other celebration currently existing or to be invented in the future, which readers of this blog may celebrate.

Article IV: The Christmas wishes offered on this blog are void where prohibited by law.

Article V: Readers in the UK and multiple various former colonial territories of the British Empire are offered as an alternative “Happy Christmas”. This alternative greeting is not to be construed as implying the superiority or inferiority of any specific version of the English language, whether spoken as a living language or extinct.

Article VI: The use of “Merry Christmas” on or around December 25th is not to be understood to imply that the birth of Jesus occurred on or around that date.

Article VII: The use of “Merry Christmas” on or around December 25th is not to be understood as excluding a desire on my part that the Christmases of Eastern Orthodox Christians be merry when celebrated on other dates.

Article VIII: “Merry Christmas” is not to be construed as an attempt to place an obligation upon readers to be merry on December 25th or any alternative date which they may understand as Christmas.

Article IX: “Merry Christmas” is not to be construed as a contractual guarantee (or otherwise creating a binding legal agreement between the author of this blog and its readers) that Christmas (on whatever date it is celebrated) will in fact be merry.

Article X: All wishes of “Merry Christmas” offered upon this blog in comments by individuals other than the blog’s author, whether addressed to its author or to other readers, are understood to subscribe to these articles unless otherwise specified.

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  • Christopher John Sissons

    Re Article V: As a reader in the UK, what on earth are you going on about? The words of the song are correct and apply worldwide “We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year”. You would no more wish someone a Happy Christmas in the UK as you would wish them a Merry New Year. We should all be merry at Christmas and happy at new year, not confusing the two!

    • That’s odd – when I lived in the U.K. people always said “Happy Christmas.” Are you saying that you’ve all gone over to the American expression?

      • BrokenBell

        I’ve been a lifelong UK resident, and “Merry Christmas” has been the usual thing for as long as I can remember. That’s only about 20 years, but still. Sometimes people say “Happy Christmas”, sure, but only because the words are so interchangeable, and “happy” is much more familiar word to pick up when you’re speaking casually. The only phrase that’s ever been noted as particularly American is “Happy Holidays”, which we have not adopted on any real scale.

      • Glenn Kennedy

        I’m British and lived there for 20-something years. The two were always interchangeable where I lived, and very much so.

  • the_Siliconopolitan

    Bill O’Reilly could do with reading this. At least I and II.

  • Gary

    Don we now our gay apparel