Listen up, Zoloft…

Listen up, Zoloft… October 29, 2011

This past Thursday was the happiest I’ve been in months.

That’s a little weird to say because I didn’t have any big adventures or go to any cool concerts. I just got up at 9:00 am and walked to French class in the rain, and it was cold and my socks got wet. Then, I went to the doctor’s office and filled out papers and got needles shoved into my veins and stuff.

But, as I mentioned in my last blog post, after my appointment, my doctor gave me a prescription for hope.

…oh, and also Zoloft.

My doctor was clear that my starting dosage would not have much of an effect on me (I just have to get used to the medicine slowly), and that even the full dosage would take a week or two to make a difference.

But that first half of a pill that I took must have had some kind of crazy placebo effect. Or maybe  my excitement about the fact that someone had actually offered me a realistic solution to my depression sent me into a state of euphoria.

Whatever the cause, for the first time in months, I was truly happy.

Skipping-and-clicking-my-heels-together-instead-of-walking-like-a-normal-person happy.

Pretending-my-life-is-a-musical-and-dancing-on-my-coffee-table happy.

Being-able-to-talk-about-politics-without-getting-angry happy.

Needless to say, despite French class and the rain and having to tear off a band-aid, I enjoyed my Thursday.

But, my happiness had baggage: fear.

As the sun set on my fantastic Thursday, I cuddled on the sofa with Abe and we had this conversation:

*Me: I love how I feel today, but I keep thinking of that play…with the rat, and the big word.

*Abe: Flowers for Algernon? 

*Me: Yeah, that’s the one. This happiness isn’t going to last, and what if the medicine doesn’t work and I just go back to being just as depressed forever? Only, it will be worse because I’ll be able to remember how happy I was today and it will seem like hell in comparison.

*Abe: If this doesn’t work, you’ll try something else.

*Me: I guess my doctor did say there were plenty of options. She did say that if this didn’t work, there were other things I could try….yeah. Yeah. There are other things I can try. Yeah.

At this point, something clicked in my brain and I abruptly ended my conversation with Abe. I ran into the other room to grab my bottle of Zoloft. I swept it into my fingers, stared it right in the face that it didn’t have, and had a little chat with it:

Listen up, buddy...

“Listen, Zoloft, I don’t need you. I like you. Sure. And I hope we work out. But there are other fish in the sea. That’s right. You’re not my last chance. My hope for healing doesn’t have to begin and end with you. You had better damn well treat me right, or I will dump your ass and find someone new.”

I heard Abe chuckling behind me, and I realized that I was talking out-loud to an inanimate object. But I didn’t care. I had said what I needed to say.

I have high hopes for Zoloft.


But I don’t have to sit and worry about whether or not it will work. Zoloft is not my last chance, because I’m never going to give up. I’m not going to quit pursuing healing.

If it doesn’t work, I’ll be heart-broken and disappointed, sure. I may get knocked down…

…but I’ll get up again….

…You’re never gonna bring me down (I couldn’t resist).

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  • oolalang

    Hi, I’m a random person who happened on your blog and I just want to say hang in there! After years of denials that any pill could help me I finally gritted my teeth and went though med trials. I’m finally on something that works for my neurotransmitters and life is soooo much better. I wish I’d done this years ago. Don’t get scared off meds if this doesn’t work out–just try something new. It seems like that’s what you were planning to do anyway, but just offering some random reinforcement. Have a good weekend!

    • Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the encouragement! I’m glad meds worked for you and I hope I have the same luck!

      Have a great day!

  • Jenna S.

    Sooo how I felt when I first got my prescription for Paxil! 🙂
    Your boyfriend sounds great/supportive and aw inspiring entry!

    • Glad that worked for you! And yes, my boyfriend is fantastic. I’m pretty lucky.

  • Good for you! It took us a good long time to get everything figured out with my husband’s meds when he started (even getting the right diagnosis was tough), but things are pretty good these days. And I remember that really happy feeling the first time I took Lexapro. Not because it worked, but because I was DOING something. And after a long time of NOT doing something to treat my depression, it was really huge to finally admit it and treat it.

    Here’s to getting it right on the first try and remembering that it’s okay if it’s not!

    • I loved how my doing something didn’t play out at all like I thought it would. I was convincing myself not to do anything because I didn’t think the doctors would take me seriously or believe me. Turns out, doctors understand more about illnesses than regular people do. haha. who knew?

  • Melody Reid

    I tell people, “I didn’t know how bad I felt until I felt better!” Best wishes to you as you begin this journey!

    • yeah, that’s how I’m feeling lately! I hope the better feeling lasts.

  • My dearest friend started taking Zoloft several years ago. Her faith is deeper, her life is better. Hang in there! I take a different antidepressant and it works for me.

    • It’s good to know that so many things work for so many people! Gives me hope!

  • Depression and anxiety appear to be something I have to deal with in varying degrees throughout my life. I was on Zoloft in high school and it really helped balance me out until eventually, I was good without it. They tried Prozac first but it made me feel absolutely insane. I vaguely remember some odd side effects with the Zoloft, but it’s different person to person, and overall, it was a really good decision.

  • really glad it looks like the zoloft is working – but I’d also like to say that on the offchance it doesn’t, please don’t lose hope, and keep trying until you find one that does. I didn’t have anyone to tell me that when the first drug I tried just made my depression worse – and I wish I’d had someone pushing me, when I wasn’t capable of pushing myself. Have a fantastic day, Sarah!

  • Great Blog post!!! I take Paxil for depression and without it I would be lying in bed with the covers over my head: Everyday!

  • Heh. I got back on Paxil just a month ago after being off of it for a year and a half, so I know the feeling. 🙂

    I don’t think I’ll be getting off of it any time soon.