Crisis Alert! Men are doomed!

Crisis Alert! Men are doomed! December 11, 2011

Note: Some people have spoken to me about being confused about my intent in this blog post. I would like to clarify that this is not an attack on the legitimate struggles that men face because of inequality. This is an expression of my frustration toward a culture that claims female advancement must be suppressed because it is contributing to the “downfall of men.” For more information, read my latest blog post. Thank you, and I’m sorry for any lack of clarity! 


That’s right. We’ve got a crisis on our hands–one which threatens to shake the very foundations of our society. Which could mean an end to life as we know it!:

Women are becoming less and less dependent on men.

As this cover of The Atlantic, July/August 2010 suggests, ambitious, liberated women don't turn men on

Women are earning more college degrees than men. Their making up the majority of the work force. They’re making more money than ever–they already make 79 cents per every dollar that the hard-working, all-American men make! If we don’t stop this madness, those numbers could rise! They might even eventually start making the same amount of money as men!

The consequences of this “rise of the women” have been severe.

For instance, women now make up 3% of all the top CEO positions in the United States. Women are no longer on the ground, holding the corporate ladders steady as their valiant men climb them. Now, women are climbing the ladders themselves, and kicking deserving men down a few rungs on their way up.

It’s women like these who are at fault for the high divorce rates in this country. They complain about women’s rights, but where are men’s rights? Men in this country can’t even have a good old fashioned affair anymore without their wives filing for divorce! And men in this country used to be able to exercise their role as disciplinarian and smack their women around when their women stepped out of line. Now, if men do that, society will tell their women that they should break the holy, sanctified marriage covenant! Next thing you know, they’ll be telling fathers that they can’t hit their kids because children have rights too!

Some women are using birth control so that they can pretend to be men! They think they can have sex without having to worry as much about pregnancy. Some of them are even starting to enjoy sex! What happened to the days when women were ladies–chaste, and naive, childish? Now women are starting to act like men, and by that, of course, I mean they are starting to act like adults.

Some of these women even go so far as to get abortions. How selfish! I mean, you make 79 cents for every male dollar–don’t tell me you can’t afford to take care of the child that you’re carrying because you were raped. Wearing a mini skirt has consequences, and now you need to own up to them. That fetus is a human and has rights, until, of course, it grows up to become a woman. Then she shouldn’t even have the right to get an abortion when carrying her pregnancy to term would kill her.

Perhaps we should take away these abortion rights and go back to the days of our good founding fathers, where women died early due to complications with child birth, since, now-a-days men, on average, die much earlier than women. Where’s the equality in that? This just proves that feminists don’t want equality! They want superiority!

Photo via

Even the media has been taken over by women. That’s why our sitcoms are filled with stupid men. This is obviously not a byproduct of a patriarchy that insists that men are the heads of the households, even if they are lazy and incompetent. Nor it is a byproduct of a rape culture that tries to alleviate men from responsibility for their actions. It’s obviously a sign that feminists control the media. Why else would the majority of leads in television shows and movies be males? Why else would these shows be followed by commercials featuring air-brushed, photo-shopped women whose sexuality is being used to sell products to men?

We need to put a stop to this. The women have gotten a taste of freedom and now they’re out of control. Pretty soon, they’ll be equals.

Yes, men are doomed (and by men, we mean, of course, patriarchy).

And feminists say women don’t have equal rights. Psh.

I tried my hand at satire (which I’ve never actually written before so sorry if it just sounds like sarcasm!). I hope it wasn’t too angry-sounding, but, you know, sometimes you just gotta get it all out there. I’m tired of hearing about the “end of men.” The rise of women does not equal the downfall of men. The rise of women helps men. It is something to be celebrated, not feared! And we women still have a long way to go. Anyways, read this great article on Forbes if you’d like to know more about why we should stop “bemoaning the end of men.” 

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  • *applause*

    Sarah, you’re one of my favorite bloggers. Hands-down. Rock on.

  • oolalang

    So much yes.

  • If men can’t cut it they should just stop whining, get in the kitchen and make me some brownies. Seriously, what a bunch of whiny wusses to be beaten by a segment of people who are told to be nice, supportive and not make a fuss bytheir parents when boys are encouraged to run around windly and be rambunctious and brave. Tarja Halonen is my president!

  • Oddly enough, I read a couple of Cracked articles that I think you’d find interesting. One concerned the myth that before modern times, all sexuality was horribly repressed (surprisingly, Victorians were ridiculously, filthily sexual to the point that even the dirtiest American pr0n director would blush madly), and another was concerning rising myths about women that aren’t true at all.

    Filthy Victorians, Pligrims, et al:

    6 Myths “Everyone Knows” About Women:

    • the vibrator was invented during the victorian times. love it. haha