Sick Pilgrim
Matthew 27: 45-46
From noon onward, darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon. And about three o’clock Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?”–which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?””
Growing up in Southern Indiana, I was a lonely kid. It’s not that my parents abandoned me. They were blue collar workers from a small Indiana town who married very young. Every second was spent on trying to survive and feed me and my sister. Left to my own devices, I developed a very vivid imagination that often shot off in weird directions aided by my intense Catholic faith.
One day, when I was about seven, I wanted to know what it was like for Jesus up on the cross. My dad had bought a bunch of railroad ties to guard the flower beds surrounding our old farm house. He didn’t use all of them and the spares rotted in the sun by our old barn.
So, I laid myself on the wood and stretched out my arms. I imagined nails pounding in my wrists and the crowd mocking me. Then, I thought about Jesus’s words, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”
My skin crawled and my stomach churned. I started to shake and the lonely feelings that were my constant companion swept over me. I got up and ran into the house.
There is no way my seven year old brain could understand what happened. But now, as a 42 year old divorced dad, I understand perfectly. I was feeling the loneliness of Christ on the Cross and his feelings of abandonment: by his friends, by some of his family, by the crowds who loved him on Palm Sunday. And, the most terrible of all, The Father abandoned the Son.
Think about that last one for a moment. The Father abandoned the Son. God abandoned God. Jesus experienced Hell through the departure of the Father’s love.
Oddly, this has been such a comfort to me in the past three years. I live in South Bend, far from my three kids. Because I travel a lot to see them, I haven’t been able to establish any deep friendships. Every person I love lives somewhere else. It’s a prime situation for self pity, anger and lashing out at God. And, I would be lying if I claimed that I’ve not done any of those things.
But, every time I do, I come back to Jesus’s words on the cross. At that moment, God felt abandoned. He took to himself our feelings of being separated from God and all beauty. It is the darkest moment in the history of the Universe and introduces us to a mystery that provides a profound comfort. He was lifted up to be the God of the lonely and the abandoned.
In this, God shows us the only way to the light is through the darkness. We have to come to the cross and embraced being abandoned, defeated and feel the desolation. When we do, we become pilgrims destined for Redemption and Resurrection. Too many times, I hear Christian writers say we should strive to be happy and bypass the cross. That is impossible. Any happiness that doesn’t embrace death, darkness and sorrow first is false and a lie. Indeed, it’s often were the devil works his angel of light deception. He uses our desire for happiness (a good one) as a way to shove us into following false idols.
Because, lets face it, who wants to face that loneliness and darkness in our own hearts? Who really wants to walk through it (rather than around) and lay down on the cross with Jesus? And, who wants to really embrace feeling abandoned by God?
So, I think about the seven year old kid who got his first lesson on what it means to follow Christ that he couldn’t possibly understand. In truth, I’m not sure that I understand it any better now. And possibly, I fear it more. But, on this Good Friday, as I travel with my hooligans across the lonely landscape of the West, my mind will be on the Cross and the day God abandoned God.
And, I will feel love, because I know I follow Our Lord’s dark path into the light.
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