800 Words

You know the old saw:  writing is easy–you just sit in front of the keyboard and open a vein.  But you don’t even know about pain until you try writing for women.

Now, normally, I like women fine.   I let them in my house; I let them eat at my table.  I’d even let my son marry one, if she’s clean.  Most of my women readers seem to be the robust and sensible type, who can take what they like and leave the rest.

But those … other ones.  Those fragile, wounded waifs who nudge open their laptops,  waft over to article entitled “Something That Will Definitely Hurt Your Feelings,” devour the whole thing, and then get offended.  And then, of course, they complain.  “Why didn’t you say this?  How about that important issue?  I experienced such-and-such–why no mention of it?  How dare you imply you’re better than me?”

Well, I’ll tell you.  Most articles I write are about 800 words.  Eight hundred words is nothing.  Nothing.  It takes me 800 words just to think about brushing my teeth.  And I don’t even floss!  When I am writing — ohhh, just to pick a random topic, let’s say I’m writing about raising a big family — then that is what I’m writing about, because that’s what I know about.

Did I say that all big families are good?  No.  Because I know they’re not.

Did I say that all small families are bad?  No.  Because I know they’re not.

Did I say that some big families are bad, and that some small families are good?  Probably!  Because I am a woman, too, and  I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  I want to appeal to everyone,  and make sure no one feels upset.  So I probably wrote at least four paragraphs carefully covering those very issues that someone is howling about me omitting.

But then I had to cut them out, because I am only writing eight hundred words.

And you know what?  They weren’t very good paragraphs anyway, and deserved to be cut.  Why?

(1) They distracted from the main point of the essay, and

(2) They didn’t come from my direct experience, so they didn’t have that personal bite that makes for good reading.

So I’ll tell you what.  Next time you read something and whimper, “There is too much of this kind of thing, and I can stand it no longer!  Why am I so woefully underrepresented?  Where, oh where is someone who will speak with my voice?” then here’s an idea:

and then you go like this:

Tappa, tappa, tappa.  That’s my best advice.  Are you frustrated?  Enraged?  Then write it down.  Tell your side.  Write down every last thing you can think of.  It’s okay if it’s a mess –in fact, it will be.  The beginning and the end will probably both be blabbery, off-topic junk.

But somewhere in the middle will be a nice, tasty nut of heartfelt information that the rest of us would like to hear.

Find someone who is a better writer than you, and ask him or her for reactions–and be ready to make big changes.  That’s why you asked their opinion.

Here are some other tips for editing:

• Read it out loud.  Does it sound like someone talking, or does it sound like a pretentious robot?  Make it sound like a person.
• Make an outline of what you’ve already written.  Often, the ideas are all there, but in the wrong order.  An outline will help you see what you have.  Also, is it easy to think of a descriptive title?  If not, you may have clarity or unity  problems.
• Death to adjectives. Death to dependent clauses.
• Turn paragraphs into mini-paragraphs.  This helps the reader a lot.
• If you want to reader to realize that something is a big deal, then ask a question, and then answer it in a startling way.

When you like what you’ve written, then check out websites that you read regularly.  Search for “writer’s guidelines” to see if they accept unsolicited manuscripts.  Find out what topics, styles, and lengths they want.

If there is something that matches what you wrote, then write a cover letter and zap it over. And if you can’t find a special place just for you, then make one:   WordPress is pretty easy, Blogger is easier.

The main thing is to write about (a) things that you feel strongly about and (b) things that you can imagine non-family members being interested in.  What your cat did is probably out; but what some jerk said on the street, and what it made you realize about the culture at large … you may be on to something there.

The only way to get better is to write a lot.  Don’t save your good ideas for your book deal — write it now!