Reader is looking for real-world account of infertility

Reader is looking for real-world account of infertility February 15, 2014

From a reader:

question – do you know of a writer similar to yourself who writes from the perspective of infertility after having had kids.what i mean about a writer similar to yourself is that real world, humorous view of life & kids & God’s will. i need to read someone who writes from the perspective of someone who has had kids but is currently going through some kind of infertility but wants more kids but is struggling with God’s will in the matter. i don’t know if i’m making any sense. every writer i come across is all very holy & pious and “Imma offer everything up” and while I appreciate that view, it’s totally not me. I need someone who says, “Yes it sucks that I’m going through this and it sucks to try to live with God’s will in this.” haha. any suggestions? do you think your readers would have any suggestions?

Anyone?

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  • mparks12

    Well, every woman faces infertility at some point. And, believe me, it is no more easy when it is the final end of fertility than when it is an interruption. There is a season…..and it is a sacrifice of something profoundly inscribed in our nature. We have to realize that even fertility is not about what we want at all. It is about God’s will. God’s will may be for a temporary interruption for His purposes, in which case it is an interruption which you will explore and find the reasons for and rectify, which is a task that is also for your growth. Or it may be a cessation for His purposes. So keep investigating, doing what is prudently reasonable, but try to rest your will in God’s, and He will be able to act in you as He wishes.

    • Nope

      “God’s will may be for a temporary interruption for His purposes, in which case it is an interruption which you will explore and find the reasons for and rectify, which is a task that is also for your growth.”

      I hope you don’t mean that someone who is experiencing infertility is guilty of some secret sin that needs to be rectified, or that infertile couples have brought some kind of Old Testament judgement upon themselves. That’s nonsense.

      • Wow, I had to read mparks comment three times before I could figure out why you responded like this. Rest easy, I don’t think that is what she’s saying at all.

        On the other hand, I don’t agree with her either, but I’m going to split that into another comment since Disqus and my phone have conspired to delete my longer comment four times now.

        • Kart

          I agree, I don’t think that was what mparks was saying. At the same token, as well intentioned as I am certain it was, mparks’ post was really unhelpful in that it’s the polar opposite of what the reader was asking for.

          • Oh, I agree it’s unhelpful. But every time I get my longer comment meticulously tapped out on my phone, the big kid wakes the nursing baby who flails and screams and sends my phone flying, which rotates the screen, which causes Disqus to delete my comment. Not that I’m bitter.

      • Um, I think you may be misinterpreting (although, I’m not the original commenter, so I can’t say for sure of course).

        I read mparks to be saying that during the temporary interruption, the infertile couple will explore and find the MEDICAL reasons for the infertility, and rectify them if possible. There IS a lot of growth that can come from that unfortunate task, as I know from personal experience of primary infertility.

        • Rachel

          easier said than done. Seeking infertility treatment is very expensive and for a couple like my husband and myself, who have very little money, the cost is too great. Adoption is also very expensive for us.

    • mparks12

      Of course I did not mean that infertility is a punishment, nor that it is a riddle. I meant only that it can be a) an opportunity to grow in love of God and each other while b) pursuing whatever remedies there may be. And I do say that often menopause can be heart-wrenching for women, especially if the person is very much wanting more children. Which is why I say that it is ultimately not about our wants, though of course we want children, but about opening our hearts. As far as what the reader was asking for, you are right that it did not give a blog of someone experiencing the same condition at the same time. I was hoping to point out that, along with those who are traveling the same road as you at the same time, it is good to consult with those who have traveled the road before you. Every mother now in menopause, and especially those for whom menopause came soon or unwelcome, could also fit the description asked for.

      • Coraline

        It’s a *little* (ok, a LOT) different for women who are experiencing infertility before menopause. Menopause is the natural end for a woman’s fertility; infertility is NOT the way it’s “supposed” to happen. It makes us feel like failures in so many ways, among other things. I know women in menopause understand SOME aspects of the whole “infertility” issue, but not at all in the way a younger woman does. I understand you’re trying to be supportive, but I really don’t think your comments were helpful, or AT ALL what this reader is looking for.

  • Kel McClintock

    I’ve reached out to a couple of my friends who really seem to fit the bill! Prayers for all women who long for a child.

  • mcdu

    This blog: http://familyofheads.blogspot.com/ has a really nice list of Catholic bloggers who have experienced infertility, many of whom have kids now (biological, adopted, or both). It may be private, but I believe you can request access.

    I think it is EXTREMELY insensitive of MPARKS to assume that going through the infertility that menopause bringing (after having children) is “no more easy” to bear than primary infertility, whether overcome or not. Infertility is caused by a number of different physical ailments. Whether or not God chooses to intervene on our behalf or lovingly allow our suffering, we believe that He is with us in our trials and the He is not a cruel god who would use infertility to tell us we need to “rectify” something.

    Personally, I know God has used my infertility to bless my husband and me abundantly with His love and to teach us about abandoning ourselves to His love. This is because “God works ALL things for good for those who love him,” NOT because he’s setting up a fun little infertility riddle for us to solve. What a sad idea.

    • mparks12

      Rectify only means to make right whatever is causing the problem of infertility, if possible. Those who are infertile do pursue solutions, and naprotechnology physicians and practitioners are very good at helping them.

      • Jill

        I’ve blogged my own experience with secondary infertility here. http://youlooktired.wordpress.com I won’t dare to campare myself to Simcha though 😉

      • mcdu

        I think that the reader was looking for emotional support from someone who has been there. Those who have not experienced infertility often try to help by sharing information that we have sought out a million times over. Usually, this just makes us feel condescended to. I think this is one of those cases where offering a prayer and blessings is the best and most supportive thing someone without experience with such a devastating condition can do.

  • Cynthia Cunningham Chambers

    The author of Minnesota mom , found at http://patentsgirl.blogspot.com/ has addressed this. She had several children, a bout of infertility and loss and two more children. Posts on infertility may be archived. While her style is not exactly Simcha’s it is honest and at time funny or sarcastic.

  • Becky Deaver

    Amanda has some great thoughts on this: http://catholicmom.com/2014/01/21/the-cross-of-infertility-part-1-introducing-the-series-and-amanda/ It’s a four part series. Very real and beautiful!

    • Catherine Boucher

      Thanks for sharing our series, Becky!

  • anna lisa

    I had to work through a little bit of anger toward God, when I had my second miscarriage, which was a late loss at 22 weeks. She was a sweet little girl, perfect in every way. I was so sure that when we conceived our next baby –which had the exact same due date as our little Maria Angelina, who died, God was making up for our huge loss. So when I lost my next baby at eight weeks and almost bled out for the only time in my life, I was dumbfounded. I remember naively saying to God, “Wait–but you’re the God of LIFE, not DEATH”! (an irrational temper tantrum of sorts) I wondered if something was permanently wrong with me, and if I’d ever have another baby. My husband decided that it was all really too much to bear, and we bought one of those fertility monitor machines. Actually, it was more his idea, because it was like I had this big baby shaped hole in my heart that I thought only another baby could fill, but it was confusing and painful because we couldn’t see eye to eye. So a whole four years passed. I half heart-edly avoided to please my husband, and wondered if I was permanently “broken” because we were sloppy enough with the NFP, that I thought I should have been pregnant by then anyhow. I think that was the rockiest point of our lives. It was really, really hard. As I look back on it, I just plodded along, loved being the mother of the ones I had, and tried to keep giving my life over to God. I never felt abandoned by Him.
    The end of that struggle was a beautiful baby boy, then two and a half years later– another boy (so four boys in a row) and then two and a half years later a girl. (My husband is still euphoric over her.)
    After this we lost our little baby boy, Ambrose at 36 weeks, and then four more mostly early losses.
    I don’t have a big hole in my heart anymore, but I think this has more to do with how much my husband and I suffered and how this suffering transformed us individually and as a couple. I am in a strange unknown territory of fertility, with very little chance of bringing a baby to term. It’s a strange and bitter-sweet place to be in.
    Now my husband and I flirt and love on every single baby and toddler we see. I really didn’t “see” other babies that way before. I’ve grown! I’ve shed my cynicism! They *all* look like the most precious things on earth to us. I’m not asking for God to do anything at all about my fertility. It’s good to finally be at peace with all of it.
    *All good things come to those that wait*

    • anna lisa

      So, to clarify, I didn’t do 4 straight years of NFP, There were two “failed” pregnancies between my 14.5 y.o. and my ten year old. So it was off and on again, and at a moment in my life when I didn’t know if there was something wrong with me and *dearly* didn’t want to do any NFP at all.

  • http://rosetells.wordpress.com/about/

    This blog has a great voice on secondary infertility. I wish she posted more often.

    • Marie

      I second this blog!

  • ABST27
  • anna lisa

    A little “p.s” to your reader–I had to whip out dinner after I wrote my long winded answer (because when was fertility ever *not* complicated?? 🙂 It didn’t go smoothly for Our Lady either…) So my husband and I were late to 5:30 mass, and I smelled like spaghetti. Wouldn’t you know that despite slithering in 10 mins late, that the usher would tap us to bring up the gifts? That always embarrasses me! But I felt so happy to stare down at those hosts, and to place your reader upon that main host. It was such a blessing that I almost forgot to be embarrassed!

  • Catherine Boucher

    They’re not suffering from secondary infertility, but my friend Amanda and I did a 4-part Q&A interview on the topic of infertility on my blog. In the series, we discuss what NOT to say to a couple experiencing infertility, what TO say/do to be supportive, as well as resources and encouragement.

    Here’s a link to the Part 1: http://hallelujahismysong.blogspot.com/2013/12/the-cross-of-infertility-with-amanda_27.html.

    I’m a contributor at CatholicMom, and they ran the series as well: http://catholicmom.com/2014/01/21/the-cross-of-infertility-part-1-introducing-the-series-and-amanda/

    Prayers for your reader and all of the other couples suffering with this cross! I hope our infertility series is somehow a blessing.

  • mcdu

    Also: desertofmyheart.blogspot.com/

  • Karey

    Hope it’s ok to offer my own blog because I write about that very thing (mom to three after infertility, now with secondary infertility). Here’s a post about wanting more babies: http://allyouwhohope.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-moment-of-weakness.html?m=0

  • Simcha,

    I don’t think I’ve ever commented before, but reading this reader’s request really convicted me about the tone of my blog. I don’t apologize for the reflecting that I do there, but I also don’t want to give forth a sense of false-piety or holyness, or the impression that infertility doesn’t suck. Because it does. Whether primary or secondary, it sucks. Period. End of story.

    If only so this woman can know she is not alone: http://theroadhomewv.blogspot.com/2014/02/keeping-it-real.html

    • Bree Ebers

      Hi Rebecca, are you still blogging? I tried to go to your blog, but it said it requires an invite. I’m very interested in the Facebook group as well, if it’s still up and running. Thanks!

  • (From my friend Kim at “Made for Another World”(http://dwellinhope.blogspot.com/) who has had trouble commenting…

    There is wonderful Catholic community of infertility blogs! These women healed me mind, body and spirit by sharing their stories. Lots of talk about medical treatment, emotions surrounding pain and loss and the spiritual impact of not being able to conceive. These women find themselves in the ironic position of not being able to conceive while being open to life in a culture of death. The blogs tend to be more serious as they tackle these subjects. They are real women telling real stories with honesty, humility, love and authenticity. Check out the following blogs, their blogrolls and the commenter’s blogs- lots of support and prayers are out there! You will be met with open arms if you ask questions or email bloggers personally. There’s even a very active facebook group- contact Rebecca at The Road Home (listed below). She will get you hooked up.

    Here are some to start with:

    Archives are full of truth, beauty, honesty and love. The last two don’t post much, but would be worth digging in archives:

    http://allyouwhohope.blogspot.com/

    http://frustrationstation-jellybelly.blogspot.com/

    http://thiscrossiembrace.blogspot.com/

    Donna is now also blogging for the USCCB about marriage- a wonderful woman living a beautiful life with her husband:

    http://whatifgodsaysno.blogspot.com/

    A living saint (suffered multiple miscarriages, with one toddler and pregnant- Praise God!)- she has a great blogroll:

    http://joybeyondthecross.blogspot.com/

    Rebecca is the resident theologian who writes with clarity and honesty:

    http://theroadhomewv.blogspot.com/

    Raw and honest and probably the closest to Simcha in regards to brainpower and humor:

    http://justbeinginfertile.blogspot.com/

    Beautifully accepting God’s will as a single woman:

    http://catholicmutt.blogspot.com/

    Here is some comic relief: Infertility Memes

    http://tellhimyourplans.blogspot.com/2013/09/if-memes.html