Oops!… I Culted Again: A Snarky Guide to Identifying Cults

Oops!… I Culted Again: A Snarky Guide to Identifying Cults June 26, 2023

Image: Patriot Takes – Twitter

Welcome, dear reader, to the enthralling journey through the realm of cultish absurdity! Prepare yourself for an exploration of spiritual narcissists and their blindly devoted followers. From peculiar rituals like snake handling and branding to the laughable eccentricities that pervade their world, we shall unveil the unmistakable signs that you’ve unwittingly stumbled into the depths of a cultic rabbit hole. So grab your sense of irony, and let’s embark on this snark-filled adventure!

Within these pages, you will discover the top seven warning signs that indicate you’ve mindlessly succumbed to the allure of a cult:

1) The Messiah Complex

Prepare for the arrival of the self-proclaimed messiah, a grandiose figure of insufferable self-importance. With an ego larger than life itself, they shall bestow their supposed divine wisdom while demanding unwavering loyalty. Brace yourself for their radiant brilliance, as they believe mere mortals are but insignificant specks orbiting their majestic glow. All hail the ego, for their word is law!

2) What’s Yours Is Theirs

Within the cult’s realm, financial independence becomes a mere memory. Your hard-earned cash, once sensibly managed, becomes an offering for their insatiable desires. They’ll spin tales of divine obligation and spiritual investments, but rest assured, it is your bank account that shall suffer the consequences. Prepare to surrender your financial stability at the altar of their greed. All hail the cultiverse, where your money becomes their treasure!

3) Everyone Else Is Wrong

In the distorted reality of the cult, they alone possess the sacred monopoly on truth. The rest of the world, in their eyes, consists of misguided fools. Instead of engaging in healthy discourse, they vehemently dismiss opposing views, retreating into their echo chamber of conformity. Should you find yourself incessantly chanting, “We’re right, they’re wrong,” my friend, congratulations! You have become a proud member of the Cult of Eternal Ignorance.

4) Shackled by Conformity

Farewell to individuality and autonomy, whimsical notions that hold no value in the cult’s kingdom. Prepare to relinquish your uniqueness at the door and embrace the uniformity they demand. They shall dictate your thoughts, actions, and even the way you tie your shoelaces. After all, what better path to enlightenment than a strict dress code and a collective loss of personal identity? Welcome, seekers, to the Cult of Conformity, where you’ll find open arms ready to mold you into obedient sheep.

5) The Divine Pyramid Scheme

Have you encountered a zealous salesperson promising boundless prosperity through a relentless pyramid scheme? Well, cults have mastered this art form. Brace yourself for their relentless recruitment tactics, rivaling even the most persistent door-to-door salespeople. They’ll shamelessly peddle their twisted version of enlightenment, leaving no stone unturned in their pursuit of fresh recruits. Welcome to the cult’s pyramid scheme, where false promises abound.

6) Serpents, Searing Flesh, and Other “Enthralling” Rites

Bid farewell to mundane pastimes and embrace the captivating world of cult rituals. Dare to venture into adrenaline-fueled ceremonies, where encounters with venomous snakes and the allure of branding irons await. These unconventional practices will have you questioning your sanity while perched on the edge of your seat. Who needs ordinary when you can partake in the extraordinary?

7) Grand Promises, Sinister Secrets, and Fashion Faux Pas

Embrace the unholy trinity that cults offer. They entice you with promises of eternal bliss while leading you down a twisted path of perverse secrets. But that’s not all! Prepare to sacrifice your fashion sensibilities as you don ill-fitting ensembles that would make audacious trendsetters cringe. Welcome to the realm of divine delusions, sordid confidences, and an abomination against fashion.

And there you have it, fellow snarky adventurers! The seven pillars of cultish lunacy unveiled before your eyes. From snake handling and branding to authoritarian messiahs, financial exploitation, conformity, pyramid schemes, eccentric rituals, and the trifecta of grand promises, sinister secrets, and fashion faux pas, these are the red flags that shall guide you through the treacherous waters of cultish allure. Arm yourself with this snark-filled knowledge, wield your skepticism with pride, and remember: the only cult worth joining is the cult of independent thought and individuality. Stay snarky, my friends, and cult responsibly!

About Stuart Delony
My hope with Snarky Faith is to incite change no matter how big or small. I want to cultivate conversations that help people to look for new ways to live out their faith. I'm also one of the weird ones that think that God still moves today - we're just looking in the wrong places. I'm here for those that are fed up with the way things are and want change. Whether you're tired of church culture or deconstructing your faith, you've got a safe space here. If you're questioning, seeking, or aren't even sure why you're here; just know it's cool, and I'm glad you showed up. It's always good to meet fellow travelers along the way, and I've learned that it's never by chance. You can read more about the author here.

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