How To Curse Biblically: A Step-by-Step Guide

Ever find yourself scrolling through Twitter (let’s be honest no one calls it X) and enraged by the latest heretic-of-the-week? Does the thought of “blessing those who curse you” make you grind your teeth? Well, good news, folks—there’s a biblical way to let out that righteous anger. Forget what you’ve been told about turning the other cheek. It’s time to dig into the ancient art of cursing, straight from the pages of the Good Book.

The Old Testament: Where Cursing Was a Family Tradition

Let’s kick things off in the Old Testament. It was a time when men were men, God was vengeful, and cursing was a legit way to handle your problems. Take Noah, for instance. Once he’s fresh off the ark, the guy plants a vineyard and gets drunk. Then the next thing, he’s cursing his grandson Canaan to be a slave (Genesis 9:25). Harsh, right? But in Noah’s world, that was just how you dealt with family drama.

Then there’s your all-you-can-eat buffet of curses in Deuteronomy 28. Don’t remember it from Sunday school? Well, here’s the gist: follow God’s laws and you’re blessed. Break them, and you’re cursed with everything from disease to crop failure – heck, there’s even the curse of baldness (2 Kings 2:23-24), parental cannibalism (Deuteronomy 28:53-57), and the delightful combo of eating dung while drinking urine (2 Kings 18:27). Much like a divine Yelp review – it’s five stars if you’re good, but a plague of locusts if you’re one star.

How to Curse Like an Ancient Hebrew:

Step One: Make sure you’ve got the spiritual authority. No patriarchal clout? No prophet status? Sorry, your curse might just fizzle out like a poorly worded-Facebook rant.
Step Two: Don’t hold back. Be specific. Do you want famine? Pestilence? Infertility? Go ahead—name that curse and claim it!

Jesus Said Bless, But Paul Said Curse… So What’s a Christian to Do?

Fast forward to the New Testament, and things get a bit complicated. Jesus shows up and suddenly it’s all about blessing your enemies (Matthew 5:44). Bless those who curse you. Where’s the fun in that? Jesus, it seems, was more about healing the sick and feeding the poor than cursing people into oblivion. Go figure.

But before you toss your cursing aspirations aside, remember that Paul—good ol’ Paul—wasn’t always so soft. In Galatians 1:9, Paul practically curses anyone preaching a gospel different from his. “Let them be accursed!” he says, which is pretty much the biblical equivalent of telling someone to go to hell.

Cursing for Christ: A New Testament How-To:

Step One: Follow Jesus’ advice—unless you’re really, really sure you’re in the right, like Paul. If so, feel free to let that curse fly, just as long as you’re not violating any commandments.
Step Two: Make sure your curse has a doctrinally sound foundation. No random cursing allowed—stick to the issues that matter, like false teaching or heresy. That way, you can curse with a clean conscience.

Curses in the Age of Social Media

Now, let’s bring this ancient tradition into the 21st century. If you’re looking to curse biblically, social media is your new best friend. Why settle for whispering curses in your prayer closet when you can broadcast them to all your followers?

Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok—these platforms are ripe for spreading curses with a sprinkle of scripture. Imagine it now: “@TheoBroz777 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your bed. #Deuteronomy28 #CurseYou”

How to Curse on Social Media Without Getting Banned:

Step One: Keep it vague enough to avoid the ban hammer. Go with something like “May you experience the full weight of your actions” or “May your days be as dark as Saul’s.” It’s cryptic, and biblical, and won’t land you in Facebook jail.
Step Two: Use scripture to back it up. Drop a verse, add a hashtag, and let your followers know you’re not just any troll—you’re a biblical troll.

Wrapping Up with a Bow (or a Curse)

So, the next time you’re tempted to curse someone out, remember—you can do it biblically. But maybe, just maybe, consider whether that’s really the best use of your spiritual energy. Jesus did say something about loving your enemies. But if that’s too much, there’s always the Paul route. Just make sure your curse is doctrinally approved and delivered with just the right amount of righteous indignation.

And hey, if all else fails, stick to passive-aggressive prayer requests. Those work just as well.