Where Are You, God? When Suffering Clouds Our View

Was I losing my mind? I went to my bank to open a new account only to realize I had forgotten important papers. So, I ran back home and retrieved said paperwork. I went back into the bank for a second time. She asked for my driver’s license. Wait, where did I put my wallet? I returned to the car, and there it was on the passenger’s seat. Now,  for my third try. It really shouldn’t be so difficult to open a bank account! Finally, I sat back down and began to fill out the paperwork. Only, I didn’t get far before tears blinded me. I was doing my best to function, but it was all just too much. Only weeks earlier, my worst nightmare became my reality. Our firstborn, Justin, was killed in a car accident. 

After the initial shock wore off (Honestly, it’s been six years, and some days I am still shocked that he’s gone),  a dark cloud of grief surrounded me and spilled over into every area of my life. No matter what I tried, I could not escape the overwhelming ache. One day, I wandered our house aimlessly and thought of Justin everywhere I looked. I paused in front of a bookcase, and as I  read all of the different signs and plaques with inspirational quotes, I wanted to scream. A pretty platitude was no match for my grieving heart.

There were so many things that I didn’t understand. Like, why did Justin only get to live 20 years? Why was it suddenly so hard to read my Bible? The words just bounced right off of me. But maybe the most confusing and scary thing was that I couldn’t feel the nearness of God. Finally, one evening, it all came to a fever pitch. Sitting alone in our bedroom, I cried to God, “You said you would sustain me, and I don’t feel sustained! God, where are you?” 

Somewhere in the night, I realized that my idea of God’s sustaining power was wrong. I thought that if  He was with me, surely I would not be feeling such tremendous pain. My view was clouded. I equated His presence with the absence of sorrow. But God never promised that, did He? 

Psalm 54:4 says, “Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the sustainer of my soul.”

According to Strong’s Concordance, the word sustains means “to lean, lay, rest, to support.” So, as we walk through the valley of the shadow of death and experience the anguish of grief, we learn how to lean on Him as our support, rest, and trust in Him. And He sustains us, moment by moment.

I suspect I will always walk with a limp in my soul in the shape of my son. Today, when I am having a heavy grief day, I pull out my Bible and ask the Lord to comfort me. I often put my hand on my heart and pray, “Lord, please heal me right here.” And He, the Master Surgeon, binds up my wounds with His healing balm and sustains me another day. 

I am so sorry if you, dear reader, are in the deep throes of suffering and sorrow. At times, it can feel nearly unbearable. Grief is messy, and the journey is not linear. But there is much grace to be had. Although you may not sense God’s presence right now, His Word stands true. “He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” ( Psalm 34:18). God does not lie; He means it when  He says, “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6b). He is close, even when you can’t feel Him.

May the One who comforts us in all our grief be ever so near to you today. 

Because of Him, my Sola Comfort, 

Missy