Thou Shalt Not Be a Dick

Thou Shalt Not Be a Dick April 25, 2024


The age-old question: how can one avoid being a total dick? Well, maybe it’s not an “age-old question ”but a relevant question, nonetheless. Regardless, it has been a question that I ponder on quite frequently. Especially in today’s social climate. The mass number of dicey exchanges throughout all social echo chambers has become pretty chaotic. Where do we go from here?

Fear not, for the solution may be closer than you think – in the wise words of none other than Jesus Christ himself. Yes, you heard that right. Forget self-help books and therapy sessions (or not up to you, right?); all you need is a good dose of Christ-wisdom to keep your inner asshole at bay. So, grab your holy water and strap in for a “divine revelation” on how the teachings of Jesus can save you from being a grade-A douchebag so in turn, things can get a little more harmonious around here.

The Man, The Myth, The Legend

Now, before you start rolling your eyes and muttering about religion, hear me out. I promise this won’t turn into a sermon (though I do accept donations). Instead, let’s delve into some of Jesus’ greatest hits and see how they can serve as a roadmap to becoming a better human being. After all, if a guy who walked on water and turned water into wine (metaphorically or literally, up to you) can’t teach us a thing or two about decency, then who can?

Yes, yes. I get it. The Great Deconstruction is here! Our current post-modern world is over religion and has moved forward and progressed to a beautiful society. From politics to education and so forth – we have become all enlightened with no issues whatsoever…RIGHTTTTTT (Dr. Evil voice)! Look, there are many beautiful things that have come from technological advancements (aka science). I am all for it. At the same time, ancient wisdom is always a much-needed source to nourish our bodies and minds. I mean, quantum physics is now proving there is a Source that connects us all, sooooo…

For me – call it a product of environment or nature vs nurture – I dig the timeless wisdom of Christ. Sue me! Here are a few highlights of his teachings that are still needed today, in my opinion (we can still have those, believe it or not). Yes, I understand that everyone takes there hermeneutical approaches to these texts differently (scholars, theologians, laypeople, etc.). This doesn’t mean it still can be forged into our daily lives (ears to hear and eyes to see anyone?).


First up, let’s talk about forgiveness. Jesus was all about that forgiveness game. Remember when he forgave those who crucified him? Yeah, talk about taking the “high road”. Can we really grasp this forgiveness? Doesn’t seem like it. As a social collective, this type of forgiveness is still a foreign concept. You’re telling me there is still something to gain from this view? Come on now!

Forgiveness can get complicated, for sure. We love our justice and want to see people that have been harmed defended. How do we forgive and also protect? Not sure, but sometimes we need to actually do the damn thing (I.e., forgive) to really see how it can play out in our day to day life.

So next time someone cuts you off in traffic or leaves you a negative comment on your FB post, take a deep breath and channel your inner Jesus. Instead of plotting revenge or unleashing a string of expletives, try offering forgiveness. It’s like hitting them with a spiritual mic drop.

Love Thy Neighbor

But wait, there’s more! Let’s not forget about love thy neighbor. Sure, it sounds simple enough, but how often do we actually practice it? Jesus wasn’t just spouting empty words here; he meant business. Whether your *actual* neighbor is a noisy sob or that guy who always borrows your lawnmower and never returns it, Jesus would want you to show them some love.

He went even further and pointed out the fact of the matter. EVERYONE IS YOUR NEIGHBOR. He didn’t even stop there. He even said YOUR ENEMY is someone you need to love too. Maybe not by baking them cookies (unless you’re into that sort of thing), but at least by not keying their car.

Root of all Evil

Now, onto everyone’s favorite topic: money. Jesus had some pretty strong opinions on the whole wealth thing. Remember that whole “it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” spiel? Yeah, he wasn’t exactly subtle.

How about all those billionaires out there? Corporations running amok while the little people get crushed. Maybe a little Christ-wisdom on monetary gain could steer them in the right direction, huh?

So next time you’re tempted to hoard all your riches or step on others to climb that corporate ladder, just remember what Jesus would do. Spoiler alert. It involves a lot less greed and a lot more giving.

Golden Rule

And let’s not overlook the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It’s like the original karma, but without the trendy Instagram quotes. Jesus was all about treating others the way you want to be treated, which is basically just a fancy way of saying “don’t be a dick.”

This teaching kind of connects all other wisdom teachings in a beautiful web. This helps me see that we can find common ground in anything if we really are embracing our awareness. If we can do it in religious circles, why not everything else? Check it out:

Bahá’í Faith
Lay not on any soul a load that you would not wish to be laid upon you, and desire
not for anyone the things you would not desire for yourself.
Bahá’u’lláh, Gleanings

Treat not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.
The Buddha, Udana-Varga 5.18

One word which sums up the basis of all good conduct….loving-kindness. Do not
do to others what you do not want done to yourself.
Confucius, Analects 15.23

This is the sum of duty: do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you.
Mahabharata 5:1517

Not one of you truly believes until you wish for others
what you wish for yourself.
The Prophet Muhammad, Hadith

One should treat all creatures in the world as one would like to be treated.
Mahavira, Sutrakritanga 1.11.33

What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbour. This is the whole Torah; all the
rest is commentary. Go and learn it.
Hillel, Talmud, Shabbath 31a

Native Spirituality
We are as much alive as we keep the earth alive.
Chief Dan George

I am a stranger to no one; and no one is a stranger to me.
Indeed, I am a friend to all.
Guru Granth Sahib, p.1299

Regard your neighbour’s gain as your own gain and your neighbour’s loss as your
own loss.
Lao Tzu, T’ai Shang Kan Ying P’ien, 213-218

We affirm and promote respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which
we are a part.
Unitarian principle

Do not do unto others whatever is injurious to yourself.
Shayast-na-Shayast 13.29

So the next time you’re about to unleash your inner Karen on a poor unsuspecting cashier, just ask yourself: would I want someone to treat me like this? If the answer is no, then maybe it’s time to dial it back a notch.

Flipping Tables

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But what about all those times Jesus flipped tables and called people hypocrites?” Ah, yes, the infamous table-flipping incident. While it may seem like Jesus was just having a bad day, there’s a lesson to be learned here too. Sometimes being a dick is justified – like when you’re standing up to injustice or fighting for what’s right.

But even there it’s still uncertain. Context is everything. To be more specific, this was a specific prophetic act against hypocritical religious systems. How you harmonize that is up to you. All I know is MERCY TRIUMPHS OVER JUDGEMENT/JUSTICE.  The rage of human beings does not bring the loving flow of the Divine. So, sure. Don’t be afraid to channel your inner righteous anger every now and then. Just make sure it’s for a good cause (exposing corrupt religious institutions, maybe) and not just because someone forgot to hold the door open for you.

Food for Thought

The teachings of Jesus offer an ageless guide to not being a dick. From forgiveness to love thy neighbor to avoiding the pitfalls of wealth, there’s a treasure trove of wisdom waiting to be discovered. So, the next time you feel the urge to be a tool, just ask yourself: what would Jesus do? And if all else fails, remember that whole turning water into wine thing. If Jesus can pull off a miracle (I.e., personal & communal healing) like that, surely you can resist the urge to being a hopeless jackass.



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