I explained last week that Ben-Hur can best be understood as a faith-based, non-Italian Peplum, and as such it was a good Peplum. A Peplum is an over-the-top, bizarre film retelling of a Biblical or Pagan story, usually involving gross historical inaccuracies; well-oiled men in sandals; shapely, suspiciously Caucasian women in historically inaccurate jewelry and foundation garments; and plenty of good old fashioned sword violence. Peplums, as I explained, were made by the truckload in Italy in the 1950s, and have fallen into disfavor since. They are extremely cheesy and many of them are trash, but a good Peplum is a ridiculous fun romp. The new take on Ben-Hur easily falls into that category.
Watch Ben-Hur, if you dare. Look at the jewelry that Tisrah and Naomi are sporting. Nobody in the ancient Roman empire wore jewels like that. The technique of cutting jewels like that didn’t exist until sometime after the Middle Ages. And that’s not getting into the issue of their eyebrow waxing, their lip gloss and their flat-ironed or permed coifs. It’s ridiculous, but so interesting to watch.
And then there’s the men. Pontius Pilate spends the whole movie sulking and mincing while dressed in a great big fur stole. I’ve studied art history quite a bit, and off the top of my head I can’t think of another representation of Pilate as effeminate and dressed in furs. Watch that scene where he rides into Jerusalem looking fabulous in fur. Watch it. Listen to the chants. I have no idea if those are authentic Roman soldier chants; I couldn’t even tell if they were Latin. But doesn’t it sound fine? Doesn’t it sound masculine and vaguely ancient? Now we’ve got a hand with a bow and arrow appearing over Judah Ben-Hur’s rooftop, and the Romans are storming the building to look for the would-be assassin. It’s all perfect, in a perfectly cheesy way.
Move ahead to the great sea battle sequence. We’ve got the handsome galley slaves, all with great tans and clean long hair, shirtless with their ankles chained to the bottom of the boat. We’ve got Mr. Drummer, drumming. WHUMP whump whump whump WHUMP whump whump whump WHUMP whump whump whump. We’ve got some random person shouting to remind the slaves that they will die if the boat sinks, being chained to the boat and all. Then the battle commences, all to the ever-increasing rhythm of that stupid drum, WHUMP whump whump whump WHUMP whump whump whump. Suddenly, the ship is rammed from the side and everybody flies sideways, dangling on their ankle chains like hams in a cellar. The drum rolls to the side as well, but it’s not over yet. Mr. Drummer can only find one drumstick, but that doesn’t stop him. WHUMP. WHUMP. WHUMP. WHUMP whump whump whump, and on it goes, faster and faster. Next thing you know, the ship is on fire. Never mind how that happened; it’s none of the audience’s business. Now Mr. Drummer is on fire. There is bright orange CGI fire going all the way down his arm, engulfing every single finger of his drumming hand. But he doesn’t stop drumming. WHUMP whump whump whump until he’s barbecued and the whole ship is toothpicks.
I have no idea if any of the aesthetics for these two scenes are historically all that authentic. They’re probably not. The ship interior looks suspiciously like an 1800s pirate ship to me, and the Roman longbow-looking thing is being held sideways like a crossbow. As I mentioned, I’m not even sure the soldiers are chanting in Latin. I have a feeling that if I went back in time to the actual Ancient Rome, told several random people on the street that I come from a world where wall paintings move and tell stories, and brought them here to the present day to watch Ben-Hur with me, they would ask “Who are those people?” Yet I’m fairly sure that they would ask “Who are those people?” with great admiration for the values displayed. They feel like Ancient Romans, or like something an Ancient Roman would appreciate. And either way, they’re exciting to watch.
I’ll bet even Ancient Romans would like a nice cheesy Peplum.
It would be a great shame, and terrible for mental and cultural health, if all movies were cheese. but a nice cheese now and then is a wonderful thing. Don’t deprive yourself of cheese. Give cheese a chance.
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