If I Were President…

If I were the president, or a dictator or something, and we had a National Prayer Breakfast, I would require everyone to gather at five o’clock in the morning after Lauds. We’d eat standing and barefoot in the dark, silent, while the Prioress read the Good Friday Reproaches.

If I were the president, I would move the bust of Martin Luther King, Junior, out of the oval office, along with all the other busts and every other piece of flotsam regardless of its subject matter. I would cover the walls with icons and hanging lamps on chains, tapestries portraying unicorn hunts, glamour photos of Benedict Cumberbatch and posters for Stanley Kubrick films.

If I were president, I would never take time off to play golf. I despise golf. I would take time off to dance in the Rose Garden, barefoot and brandishing a tambourine. I would take time off to disguise myself with wigs and masks and pretend to be a protester for the other side, just for the day. I would cover myself in wax drippings to look like a leper, dress in sackcloth, and sit on the front steps of the Capitol with my begging bowl, listening for gossip. I would ride through Washington, DC on my charger, wearing my diadem and pointing at people with my scepter.

I would serve pizza and Big K soda at state dinners.

I would wear a single gold contact lens, and pretend to have visions out of that eye during press conferences.

I would refuse to kiss babies.

I would fill the White House with cats. Dozens of cats, all former alley cats of bad parentage with notched ears and spoiled dispositions. I would never sit at my desk without a cat curling up in my lap. I would never open my door for a press conference on the lawn without six or seven cats escaping and having to be rounded up by the Secret Service. I would keep an obese tortiseshell cat for the express purpose of jumping on the table during state dinners and stealing pizza.

I would be a great patron of the arts. I would change the National Anthem to The Ring Cycle, and require the whole thing to be performed before every major-league baseball game. Instead of “Hail to the Chief,” I would have a band play the Imperial March from Star Wars at my appearances. Dollar bills would be printed with full color Georgia O’Keefe paintings instead of giant hovering eyeball pyramids on the back.

I would pass an executive order to require people to differentiate between Tolkein and Jackson when mentioning their favorite scenes from The Lord of the Rings. 

I would bring back the pillory.

My entire cabinet would be nerdy children who scored the highest on their social studies tests.

I would refer to visiting diplomats as “Sweetie” and “Varlet.” Instead of a firm handshake, I would insist that they kiss my ring, which would be a mood ring from Claire’s.

I would sign bills with an X.

I would squeeze toothpaste in the middle.

I would require cosplay for anyone attending the State of the Union address in person.

I would have a great deal of fun, if I were president. And I would do it all secure in the knowledge that I would not go down in history as the craziest and most inept president ever. Not after the past two weeks. Thank you, President Trump. Have a nice vacation and don’t hurry back.

(image via Pixabay)