Just Call Me “The Author”

Just Call Me “The Author” February 11, 2017

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(Note: These are all real comments I’ve received, here in the Disqus or on Facebook or sometimes in person, in response to my blog posts; some of them are paraphrased, but they all happened.)

 

Q: This post seems judgy.

A: I’m an internet blogger.

Q: I am surprised that Patheos allowed an article so poorly written to be published.

A: I’m an internet blogger. I could write “I want sprinkles!” a dozen times and click “publish,” and by the time Patheos found out I’d be long gone.

Q: Seriously, is the author Catholic?

A: Yes. And I like it when you call me “The Author” instead of using my name. Makes me feel like Aristotle.

Q: I detect a hint of pride in your voice!

A: Internet. Blogger.

Q: I honestly thought I was reading an op ed for the New York Times!
A: *blush*

Q: How can you say that defying the local bishop is always a bad sign? Didn’t the foundress of EWTN defy her bishop many times?
A: Quod erat demonstrandum, Dude. You may refer to me as “The Author.”

Q: Well, I suppose if you had a television station, it would just be you denouncing people as fake Catholics all day long!
A: Actually no. If I had a television station it would show Stanley Kubrick movies followed by panels of art experts analyzing the hidden themes of the Stanley Kubrick movies. We would also show Mystery Science Theater 3000 re-runs, followed by panels of art experts analyzing the hidden themes in Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes. There would be episodes of that Ramona series from Canada from the 80s. There would be ballroom dance demonstrations. There would be talented actors reading unabridged classic books while that guy who used to be on PBS illustrated them in real time with colored pencils. Instead of being donation-operated and commercial-free, there would be whole blocks of commercials, sometimes an hour at a time. At two o’clock in the morning, the screen would switch to one of those beeping color test patterns from my childhood, because I miss those.

Q: This blog post isn’t Catholic, it’s political. Try writing the word “Catholic” more often.

A: I know, it’s almost as if being Catholic led me to have opinions about how people should live together in society or something. Catholic Catholic Catholic Catholic. Satisfied?

Q: After reading this post, I am convinced that Patheos is a Communist organization.

A: добрый вечер. Я не говорю по-русски. хорошего дня.

Q: I think this is clickbait.

A: Welcome to the internet, sir. Enjoy your stay.

And I reiterate: I want sprinkles I want sprinkles I want sprinkles I want sprinkles I want sprinkles I want sprinkles I want sprinkles I want sprinkles I want sprinkles I want sprinkles I want sprinkles для Матери России I want sprinkles.  Catholic.

(image via Pixabay)


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