The new trend, I’m told, is to post ridiculous free stock photos of your job and say witty things about them.
I went to pixabay and typed in “blog,” and I don’t know what everyone’s complaining about. These stock photos aren’t silly; they provide a poignant and informative mirror into my day-to-day affairs. It’s a little slice of the fast-paced and glamorous life of an up-and-coming Catholic blogger.
Here, I’ll give you a tour.
I usually wake up at nine and lie there until eleven. Then I fix myself a latte and a couple of raw hamburgers and get to work.
It’s important to roll down the cuffs of your dress shirt while writing. I like to work at a totally clear table made of rough untreated planks. It serves as a memento mori and an incentive to stay awake, because it hurts awfully when I nod off and my head crashes into the table. You tend to get splinters in your nose when you do that. I don’t like distractions, so I only take the bare essentials with me: a potted cactus, a coffee cup with the handle turned the wrong way so it cannot be grabbed, and a paper journal tied shut with a pen balanced on top for feng shui. My hands become weirdly veiny at this point.
If the feng shui approach doesn’t work, I put on my ballet slippers and sit in the Horrifying Gray Void with my laptop at an uncomfortable angle. This is where I produce my best political commentary. I find that the eerie stillness and silence of the Horrifying Gray Void is a great complement to American politics.
After I’ve spent some time in the Horrifying Gray Void, I like to practice self-care with more coffee and a snack. Macaron cookies and fresh twigs are both naturally gluten-free.
Then it’s back to the rough wooden table, and on with the headphones for fewer distractions. Sometimes I slide the laptop well out of arm’s reach so that I can practice my telekinetic typing skills. I’ve been studying with the Mavis Beacon method for the past two years, and I’ve gotten rather good. Many of my funniest jokes have been written when I just let go of my need to be controlling, and ask the internet’s essence what it wants. In fact, that’s what I’m doing right now!
After I’ve completed a draft, I break for a light lunch.
Michael prefers to copyedit my work by the One-Hand Method in the Orange Room. I stand next to him holding a light bulb with a dollar sign on it, a poignant reminder to us both that the two main purposes of blogging are 1) ideas, and 2) money.
After a hard day’s work, I unwind with a cleansing cup of herbal tea and a hatpin. I enjoy the challenge of sipping big wide open cups of scalding hot liquid right next to the open laptop, but only after I’ve scattered dead flowers on the rough wooden table. This is symbolic of something, but I couldn’t tell you what.
Maybe the stock photo taker knows.
(All images via pixabay)
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