It means that the whole house isn’t going to look the way you think it should– whether you paid for the house or not. It means that, if you had a man cave before, it just might be taken away because the family needs it– whether you own the house or not. It might end up becoming a mother-in-law’s apartment, or a nursery– whether you paid for the house or not. It means that when you’d like a little time to yourself, you might have to attend to a child or a spouse, or a child or a spouse’s friends, first. Maybe that will take a few minutes, or maybe it’ll take the rest of the night, or even the rest of your life.
You might end up on the sofa, after a hard day’s work not in the garage or basement, when you’d much rather sleep upstairs– because the baby is having nightmares and needs that space in bed with your wife. You might end up on the floor because the relatives have come to visit and there’s no room in the beds or the sofa. You might end up in a tent surrounded by strangers because your child needs you to take her camping for a girl scout badge. And it’s very likely that won’t be the worst place you’ll sleep, not by a long shot. You’ll end up spending certain nights in the emergency room, or in a hospital room with no comfortable sofa to catch a moment of rest– comforting your spouse or your child, because they need you, no matter how tired you are.
And there are worse places still, that people have found themselves, after they decided to start a family. Terrible places.
The feast of Saint Joseph the Worker was just a day ago. Saint Joseph is the model for Catholic masculinity and fatherhood, at least in the Latin church. Do you remember what happened to Saint Joseph, after he took the Blessed Virgin into his home?
He lost his home entirely. Not his “male space,” but his house and everything he had.
He ended up homeless in Bethlehem, helping his wife give birth in a cave– not a “man cave” but a reeking straw-lined cave full of animals. Then he had to go on the run and become a refugee in a foreign country. He had to learn the language there and depend on others for help getting started– and just when he was getting his footing there, he ended up having to leave it all and come back to Nazareth.
This didn’t happen to him because he wasn’t masculine enough to earn a “male space” in the house he owned and paid for. He was the exemplar of what it is to be the man of the house. And this still happened to him, because that’s the kind of thing that can happen to someone who decides to be part of a family.
This culture has plenty about it that’s shameful, but a “lack of male space” is the least of anyone’s worries.
The choice to start a family is the choice to give up space.
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