What I Wish Someone had Told me About Chronic Illness

It may not scare you anymore, as a chronically ill person, because it’s your usual everyday reality. But it’s scary to people who haven’t seen it.

It violates all their expectations. It makes them face their own helplessness in the face of reality– and the reality is, everyone suffers and everyone is at risk of coming down with a chronic illness.

If the person is mature, then upon facing this helplessness they will realize that they are the ones who were being silly. They’ll realize they were in denial because they were scared. They will let go of their fear and calm down. They’ll ask if there’s anything they can do to help, and if there isn’t they will go on being a friend anyway, keeping you company if they can’t do anything else.

If they’re immature, they’ll keep deluding themselves. They’ll try as hard as they can to figure out why you’re sick. No, not the name of the diagnosis or a description of how it works, the real reason you’re sick. The secret one they’re just sure they can find out. They will google your symptoms and inform you that your doctor was wrong. They’ll tell you you need to go on a diet even though you’re on one already. They’ll chide you for not seeing the doctor even though you’re seeing three or four, each with a different specialization. They’ll tut-tut your ignorance, either in thinking supplements are good for anything or in thinking Big Pharma is good for anything or sometimes both of those in succession. They’ll say you need to eat nourishing fatty foods like bacon or rail against the dangers of bacon, or both. They’ll mock you for being fat, even after you’ve told them that weight gain is a symptom of your illness, and claim they were only being cruel because they were worried about your health. They’ll jump down your throat every time you seem too unconcerned about a symptom or make a perfectly understandable mistake.

And, even if you try to please them,  you will continue not fitting into their boxes, because you’re chronically ill and this isn’t your fault. You can’t make it your fault. You can’t make it go away by being more virtuous or disciplined. Neither can they, but they’ll try.

And the cognitive dissonance will make that person angry. And they’ll start yelling and calling you irresponsible.

I didn’t understand the cause of these cycles of advice, anger and lashing out when I was sick, at first. Now I do. I know that I scared them, through no fault of my own.

To anyone living with a chronic illness: I’m sorry. It sucks. But I want you to understand that this isn’t something you need to feel guilty for. Nor is it in any way your fault when the occasional person gets angry and jumps down your throat for it. You didn’t do anything to merit their anger. They’re just expressing fears that they weren’t mature enough to cope with in a healthy way. That’s not your problem. You’ve got enough problems already. No need to internalize this one.

It’s horrible that, on top of everything you’re going through, you’ll have to deal with people getting angry with you for no good reason. But you will.
And I hope that you will remember that it’s not your fault.

(image via Pixabay)